I don't know where to begin really. I've wanted to kill myself for a long time now and I guess I can't really understand why I haven't done it, other than some strange desire to suffer through isolation in my life at the comfort of my friends and family. I thought myself selfish for wanting to give in, but I think it's them who are selfish for wanting me to stay so their happiness isn't ruined. I'd rather be one with the universe than self aware and constantly trying to find a difference between me and the world that was here before me. I wake up everyday wishing I'd died in my sleep. I try to find people to socialize myself with but in the end they don't seem genuine and I feel like I'm just wasting both of our time. I try to cut to release pressure surrounding me trying to go back to school, keep my part time job, and submerge myself into a new relationship or try to love myself and it seems like I can't budge anything. I always feel empty, always alone, and disappointed. I had fallen for a sadist on the internet, who made me do terrible things to myself on webcam for his amusement...but I liked it. I was his slave...and he was my master. And for the first time in life I felt right. Then he disappeared one day and I found myself waiting for him to return to me but he never did. Now when I try to reach out to people I find myself not wanting to corrupt their life, so I push away.... I had someone once that loved me very much, but because I was still trying to figure out who I was I lost him...and he'll never love me again. Which is fine I guess, he deserves the best, and I knew it wasn't me. I just wish that I didn't love him as much as he says I didn't. I wish that I felt grounded and safe, but I always feel like I'm floating around in space now...waiting to just evaporate into the midst. I don't feel attached to my job, school, friends, or family, much less my own body. I feel like the days are just one long time period that I sleep through sometimes. And eventually I'm not going to stop myself from looking for trouble, or causing it, just so something different can happen. Hell..someone might even do the deed for me. It feels as if I've been waiting to die for so long that I'm absolutely irritated at the thought that our hyper violent society hasn't made it happen yet. I don't know how much longer I can hold out when its starting to seem so much easier to just let go and forget everything.