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Massive meltdown

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by betteroffunknown, Jun 13, 2016.

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  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Sorry to trouble you all, but I'm seriously feeling on the verge of a massive meltdown. Too many things going on and thru my mind already then when I got home I got more horrible news - as if I could handle anymore atm (cuz I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!). I told my therapist today that I just want to disappear although at the time I wasn't sure what I meant by that. Now I'm drawing closer to an idea, and it's not the ideal option especially with my daughters bday in a few days. Not sure how I'm gonna keep it together, and honestly not sure I can.

    I can't reach out anymore to professionals here (IRL) due to recent circumstances, and due to the news I received today. My chest (left side) began hurting while in my therapy appt, and it seemed to ease up some while the nurse was taking my BP (at my therapists request). My BP while in the appt was 174/94, and while that's not good for anyone it's especially dangerous for me due to other health issues. I'll call my cardiologists office to see about taking more of my BP meds, but I can't keep going down this road, either!!!!!

    I'm sick of anything and everything atm!!!!
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    wow, that is a high blood pressure reading. I am really sorry that you have so many things stressing you out at the moment. I really hope things calm down for you, I know you are having such a rough time and we are here to listen and support you. Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself right now? Sorry you are feeling so low. Is there anything you can do to calm down, maybe a long bath or reading a book, can you think of anthing yourself that could potentially calm you?
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I just can't seem to do all this anymore. I wish it would ease up anytime in the near future, but I'm afraid this is just getting started. I have seriously considered hurting myself, but then I think of my daughter and her bday coming up on Thurs so can't go thru with it.

    My therapist asked me today if I've cried about any of this that I've been going thru recently, and I had to tell her I haven't. I've been too angry to cry. Never thought I'd see that day cuz if I had to choose I'd take tears over anger (especially mine) any day.

    My chest has been aching for the past 1.5hrs now. If there were other symptoms associated with it I 'might' consider going in, but that's all I'm experiencing right now. It's bothering me that it's aching, though. I was able to take extra BP meds, so hopefully that'll help.

    I was just thinking and wondering if my thyroid might be playing a roll in all this (again). I get it tested a week from Wed. The last time my numbers were too high I was much more sensitive than I might be otherwise. Even if that is or isn't the case I'm sick of managing all this!!!!!
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* Hugs for you because you need them.
    Crying is good, also good not to cry, its a strange one. Did you explain your anger to the therapist? I had a pain in my chest a few weeks back, went to the hospital, turned out to be muscle fricture. Do you think your pains could be down to all this stress or anxiety/mental related? Can you get your thyroid checked before next week? I know obviously that you have medical issues but what are your diagnosis(es) I am so sorry you are going through all this added on stress, you have a lot on your plate, bless you x You do not have to go through this alone.
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  5. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much, Lynn!!!!

    I have an artificial mitral valve. It was replaced two years ago, May 30th, 2014. During that surgery my aorta dissected in the descending part. It's called a Type B aortic dissection. (This is the main reason it's so critical to keep my BP in check cuz when it's too high it can actually make the dissection worse.) I also have an irregular heart beat. Those are the heart issues. I'm on Warfarin (anti-coagulant), and two BP meds for this stuff since the surgery.

    In Feb this year I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. That's when I started on Synthroid, and it did help but then my numbers went too low. I was hoping my doc would just lower the dose by the smallest amount possible, but she chose to double that. As of 3wks ago (2wks after changing the dose) it was already back up to a 2, so it climbed quickly. So basically we're still working on getting this into a healthy range.

    Then in Dec I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression, but in April the severe depression was changed to BPII. Then 3wks ago I was diagnosed with GAD and Panic disorder (the panic one I strongly disagree with).

    On a more minor note I've also been diagnosed with a unique kind of migraine, eye strain headaches, and arthritis in my lower neck on top of the other things. I went from being on zero meds 2yrs ago to now being on 10 daily meds, and 4 PRN's.

    ALL of these things are what have come just in the last two years!!!!!!
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Btw, the health issues, though many, almost seem the most trivial compared to everything else I've been dealing with. I've been thru 4 major traumas since the heart surgery which is why the PTSD, BPII, etc diagnosis'. Plus having 'family' issues amongst many other things, as well.
  7. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Took the BP med, and my BP went down to a healthier range, and yet the left side of my chest still aches. I just took one of my anxiety meds to see if that'll help. I'm not feeling any better emotionally, either!!
  8. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I forgot to let you know that I told my therapist about the anger. In fact she commented saying she's never seen me so angry. I told her maybe that's cuz I haven't been this angry in 30+yrs. She knows all the reasons I'm angry, too.

    I can't get in to see my doc for thyroid testing any sooner unless I go sit in the waiting area while she's there, and would have to hope for a cancellation. She's only in two half days a week, half day Wed and Fri. She's also the VP of the clinic which is why she's not there as a doc full time. Because of her limited availability cancellations are extremely rare although they do happen.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    oh my gosh. No wonder you are losing it, you have had so many different things and disgnosis(es) happen in such a very short space of time. I can now understand why you are so angry and pisssed off with the world. I assume you are getting professional help still for the psychiatric illnesses? Are you on medications for bipolar, is the bipolar under contol with meds? Why do you disagree with the panic disorder? I have no clue about the heart problem but I am really genuinely sorry that you are going through all of this. You deserve so much better, has the anger eased off any bit, if so what helped it to ease off. For what it's worth I think you are an amazing person and do not deserve any of this suffering and pain. Life is not fair :( but hey we must do our best with the hands we were given. Oh and also so sorry to hear you have PTSD, I have it too so maybe sometime we can have a chat about it & I hope you can get a cancellation for your thyroid carers. Take good care of yourself *hugs*
    betteroffunknown likes this.
  10. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Lynn.

    Ya, I am getting help with the psychiatric stuff. Have drs for everything required. The bipolar isn't managed yet. Still working on it, but just started meds for it about 7wks ago. The dose just got increased last Wed, and if I still don't find it helpful enough by next Wed (the 22nd) I'm to increase it again. I also have a therapist. It was a rocky start with her, but ever since the hospital trauma a few weeks ago it's done wonders for our working together.

    I disagree with the panic disorder cuz I don't have the typical symptoms of panic attacks. I've never felt like I'm having a heart attack or can't breath. You know, those kinds of things. I would definitely say I get the most severe anxiety attacks, though.

    The anger has subsided for the most part 'for now'. It's more like intense frustration atm, and I'm still feeling extremely down, discouraged and overwhelmed. Distractions have helped the most this time, and it helped to talk here. So thank you for taking the time to do that, Lynn!!!
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again :)

    I am really glad you are getting help, I hope the medication increase will help and that you will benefit from being on the medication. You're a smart lady you know medication compliance is very important too, that is something I used to struggle with, hope you aren't :) im sure you aren't struggling with it but thought i'd mention it just in case.

    You know your own body the best, if you don't think you have panic disorder then chances are that you don't The doctors are not always on the ball .Breathing issues, hyperventilation, numbness, chest pain are all a sign of panic disorder if you feel you don't have it then let them know hun.

    I wish I knew more about bipolar so that i could help you more but unfortunately my knowledge with bipolar is very limited.

    You are very welcome, you can talk to me anytime you want to :) I'm always around, try and keep the anger monster at bay and look forward to your treatment and recovery. You are worthy of respect, kindness and care as you are a lovely person :) I am glad talking and distractions helped you through the night :)
    betteroffunknown likes this.
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