AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH want them want them want them want them want them want them want them want them want them want them want them want them want them want them oh my god, im so close to taking these, even just now when i noticed she was in the bath i was considering taking them. i actually think i have enough to do it this time, i think it could work. if only i took them. is this what i want? it feels like it. i would give anything not to hurt her, and i want to be with her forever. infact, shes the only damn reason i am still here to this day. i dont want to be having this msn conversation. why treat me as a go-between? especially between you two. and more importantly, why the hell does it bother me? why the hell does it still hurt? im not interested, not in the slightest. its the fact its her i think. it still bothers me, upsets me. i think its the fact that he once put her above me, chose her instead of me. maybe its still that pain i can feel. i'm dreading saturday, how can you celebrate someone's birthday when they are dead? how do you get through an anniversary like that not much over a month since they died? when that day is still so damn clear in your head? how are we going to go two weeks? these last two weeks we have hardly been away from each other, literally hardly in different rooms. two weeks is a LONG time. what if she finds someone else?? what if she (or me) feels bad and cant reach me? what if its enough to push her? what if the space is enough for her (or me, which wont happen) to decide this isnt what she wants? the idea of going back to work is scaring the shit out of me. it cant be much longer. im waiting for this letter to arrive. every single morning i get up and feel sick, cant breathe until i check the post. breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that i can go one more day without having to think about going back. living with philip will be hell. hes telling me the house is going to be mine as much as it is his, but then in the next breath hes telling me not to leave the tv on all day etc and snapping at me. i want to, because i dont want to leave MY HOME like i thought i was going to have to, but i can see how difficult he is going to be. and now the stuff with my neighbour. looks like i might be getting a new one soon. that baby. the baby i was dreading. it could so easily have been me. except i was a stupid selfish bitch. i could be becoming a mum right now. instead im just a fucked up mess. i cant believe how much weight i have put on, how disgusting i look. why the hell she likes me i will never know. fat everywhere. its horrible. disgusting. im just a fat peice of weak sh*t. they are pushing me. pushing me. always pushing me. shes on the phone right now going on about going back to work. ive told them all before that im scared sh*tless that im going to go back to work (in a CHEMIST) feel suicidal and the fact that i will have so many pills in front of me will be too much temptation for me to handle. ive tried telling them. i dont know if they dont know, or if they dont care. its all building up, i just feel sick. sick of it all. sick of life. sick of people. sick of everything. i cant shake this feeling of needing to do it. i need to do something, anything. think i might go cut, i need to get this out. maybe it will stop me taking the pills? i dont want to do this to her on her last night here, especially when she is feeling so bad herself. pills, they keep talking to me. i know i could do it. i know how easy it would be. but i also know how much pain and hurt it would cause. im doing anything i can not to do this. please help me. someone. anyone. to stop me doing this. oh god, im going to shut up. i not even making any sense anymore, and im so close to crying. dont want to cry in front of her. not again. none of this is fair on her. she didnt ask for any of this. i give up. no strength tonight. just going to go wallow. sorry to have posted again.