mature female opinion please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by make_me_bad, Oct 20, 2006.

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  1. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    This topic might belong somewhere else, I don't know. I am feeling suicidal, but that's a given right now, and everyone here knows how it is. There's no way to explain it better than somebody else has before, it's all the same. I'm just trying to get right to the point and ask for comfort.

    For the past hour I've been crumpled up on the couch I use as a bed, worrying about my relationship with my girlfriend again, crying over it. A brief moment of motivation made me decide to get up and ask someone about it here.

    She recently messed up her birth control. It was her decision that nothing we do be changed, that a month was too long to wait. So that's fine, I honestly couldn't care less either way at this point.

    Last night, after about two weeks of nothing being changed, she started talking about what if she got pregnant. She said she'd have to get an abortion, that she'd be really depressed, and that she wouldn't know if she'd want to be with me anymore. She says she wouldn't be able to look at me the same anymore.

    This is the longest relationship I've been in. She's told me she wants to be with me throughout college and beyond that, that she loves me. And she's not some ditz, I respect her enough to know that that has meaning coming from her.

    I just can't understand why she'd rather go through that alone than with me by her side. It's not that I'm worried it's going to happen, the stance she takes on the subject is just so disturbing to me. It's like rather than work through any serious problem with me, she'd rather it become the end of us, which makes me feel like she considers me very temporary, and it hurts.

    The opinion I was looking for: I want to know if this is a common sentiment among women, if something like that is a natural destroyer of relationships. It seems to me like most people would want their partner there with them to go through that, but I don't know. I sure would. Any thoughts would be great, but please don't say something just to comfort me, I'm looking for the truth.

    I'm only 18 and she's 17 by the way, if that makes any difference. We're both very mature people though, we've been through more than most people go through in a lifetime.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok, women often talk in riddles (I can say that cos one I'm female and two been guilty of it myself).

    Firstly, why is she willing to have sex without birth control?
    I'm wondering if she secretly hopes she will get pregnant.
    The 'if I was I'd have an abortion' remark sounds like she was trying to find out how you'd feel about it. When she didn't get the response she wanted she threw in the 'I might not want you anymore' remark.

    This whole conversation smacks of wanting a response and not getting the one she wanted.

    Actually she might well not want you anymore if she had an abortion. Losing a baby (even an unwanted one) does something to womens' brains. Most experience depression and then an angry resentment sets in against their partner for putting them in this position in the first place.
    I'm not saying it's fair, I'm just saying how it is.

    I think you need to consider exactly what is going on here (and can I suggest either stop having sex or use a condom until situation is sorted).
    Ask her outright if she secretly hopes she will get pregnant and go from there.

    Hope this helps. Please feel free to pm me if you want more advice.
     
  3. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    We use condoms. We both feel more comfortable (or at least, I do, if she's lying) with both a condom and her birth control. I'm obsessive-compulsive and paranoid about certain random things and safe sex is one of them, even though I am a literal sex addict, it's become therapeutic to me.

    When she mentioned an abortion, my response was, "But, it's your child..", with a hint of sarcasm.

    I guess that was bad. She brought it up in a subtle laughing manner, I thought it was okay to tease her. In retrospect she probably takes it very seriously and was laughing out of nervousness.

    Thanks for replying by the way, I think I heard what I was hoping to hear. So that's true, about the natural depression and resentment? It's not just me? I have this feeling that if it were some other guy and not me she'd be able to make it through it with him.

    Maybe she was just being very honest with me when she told me that. Most girls would have said "no, we'd make it through together sweetie.", but most girls my/her age are liars. In my experience.
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It's not so much lying as being female. We sometimes find it very hard to ask for what we really need.

    Any male will tell you sometimes women are like a mine-field, we are, we know it, but sometimes we can't help ourselves. Put it down to hormones or just an inability to ask straight out for what we want.

    I don't think she's sending you a subtle message that she wants to break up with you, I really think she was after a 'I'll standby you' no matter what statement.

    And yes women do feel resentful when faced with an abortion.
     
  5. immure

    immure Account Closed

    devastated is so on it. i would also think the thought of baby and body and then so on is quite mind shatterin. on many levels. a little inside secret if u let us talk long enough we will solve it cause we love doin this just do NOT interupt no matter. no joke. ;wink
     
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I agree 100%!!! listen to devistated! :hug:






    ~Carolyn
     
  7. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    She just broke up with me.

    It's funny how she can do that a few hours after talking about our sex life and our future. She pointed out that next Saturday is three months for us. I asked her a few days ago if she wanted to break up, on the advice of NoMotiv, a friend I made here. She insisted that everything was okay, assured me that I shouldn't worry.

    Why?

    I want to feel like killing myself, but I can't. Those feelings are passive since my attempt. Faced with that failure, the entire idea of self-termination seems romantic and abstract to me.

    I've cried every single day of this relationship, after the first couple of weeks, after everything stopped being shiny and new. My "happyness" depended on her. She treated me like shit.

    But, I'm not crying now.

    Everything doesn't seem so hopeless anymore. Colors seem brighter, people seem less evil, the music I'm listening to sounds better. I can still smell her on my clothes, and it's not the smell of hopelessness and fear of losing my guidance anymore, it just smells like a girl.

    The world doesn't seem dead anymore. It seems like everything reminded me of her, and thinking of her caused me pain.. and that's why I hated everying I saw. The world seems almost okay now, but it feels like it's not for me, like I don't deserve it. It's me who feels dead now.

    I feel like I'm all out of emotion. This could very well be a bit of denial. I really hope it doesn't hit me later and drop me to my knees in tears. I hope she really was the source of my pain, I hope she didn't hurt me as bad as I thought she would, I hope.. that this feeling of hope.. is real.

    I would love to have someone to talk to. I've added/thought about adding a few of you to my msn, but I have this fear of rejection. My MSN is kllown@gmail.com. I love to listen, too.
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Did she say why she was breaking up with you?

    This whole thing seems to be a complete muddle.

    By what you've posted I get the feeling you had very ambiguous feelings about your gf, was this what she was picking up on?

    I have to say if everything seems brighter to you then the break was a good thing. No need to feel bad about it, just go with the flow.

    A good day or feeling is a thing to be treasured.

    And for the bad days you've always got us.
     
  9. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    She's bi.

    Last night, she "couldn't" see me because she was going to a movie with her friend, who happens to be a lesbian.

    Being paranoid and jealous, I gave her lots of shit for it. It wasn't unwarranted though, that girl kissed her a half hour after she broke up with me.

    We fought every day. She's a private person and I wear my emotions on my sleeves. She never showed affection, I didn't feel loved. I showed too much affection, she felt smothered. I'd be paranoid when I couldn't get in touch with her, I'd have anxiety attacks and freak out and think of all the horrible things that she might be doing. I guess I was being irrational, but she really should have been there more often.

    She says she's depressed. I believe that she believes she's depressed, but shes' not. She has fun, she looks forward to things, she gets excited about a new CD coming out.

    Here's what happened:
     
  10. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    So last night, she was with that girl. I called and she didn't pick up, I freaked out and kept calling. I eventually gave up and drowned myself in alcohol and passed out, woke up a few hours later to her calling me back. She said she's coming over because we need to talk, ha.

    She pulled up to my apartment with her lover still in the car, and said she can only stay because she has to take her home. We just stood there looking at each other for a while. She was shaking her leg, looking at the floor, all nervous. I eventually just told her to go ahead and do it, I promised I wouldn't freak out or do anything stupid to myself. So she did. She said she'd come back and we'd talk about it after she takes her new woman home, so okay, I went back upstairs and waited for her, anxious behind belief, pacing around and cutting myself.

    She got back an hour later and told me that they kissed. She said it was more innocent than it sounds, that straight girls would have done the same thing. Whatever. I begged her not to do this to me, said things would get better, asked her to give me more time. This went on for fifteen minutes, I just couldn't accept it. She meant business this time, she wouldn't be manipulated.

    She said she didn't really want to break up. She said she needed to be alone and figure herself out. She said we're going on a "break". This "break" implies that we won't date/do things with other people, and that we'll probably end up back together. She described a "break" as normally lasting 3-4 weeks.

    Ugh..

    So after insulting me with that bullshit, she said she still wants to be friends. She said she still loves me, that she really cares about me. She still wants to talk and she still wants to hang out. She's coming over tonight.

    So basically, nothing will change at all, I'll have the same anxiety wondering if I'll hear from her, I'll still worry that she's involved with someone else.

    The only thing that's changed is we will no longer be touching/having sex, and I'm not allowed to touch/have sex with anyone else. Lovely!

    I don't know why I went along with it, I'm just so desperate not to lose her.. thinking about her right now makes me want to throw up.

    And I'm not a stupid person, she just made a big elaborate show out of telling me that she wants nothing to change except us being physical. Which means she doesn't like me anymore, but still wants to know me. Which means she wants to use me for something.

    I just have to find out what.
     
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Have to say, I can't see what you're getting out of this relationship.
    Seems as if she has all the power and is playing on your fragility.
    A break from her could actually be for the best, even if it doesn't feel like it is.

    I dunno about you but her kissing someone else (even someone of the same sex) well that would do my head in if it was me.

    I really think you need to take time out and think about what you want rather than letting her lay down all the rules.
     
  12. make_me_bad

    make_me_bad Well-Known Member

    I really appreciate that you seem to care and keep replying, I know I haven't really said that and my posts have probably seemed really negative, I'm sorry.

    Yeah, that really hit me hard that she kissed that girl. She made me feel so guilty for worrying about them being alone together.

    When I posted last night I was feeling almost good, feeling like I was better off without her. But then she had to come over and twist it all around.. make it so I'm not with her but I still belong to her.

    I CAN'T be alone, I'm just not strong enough.

    I could go out, and be Mr. Confidence, and get someone else in a flash, sure. I could stop being so nice, I could inflict fear and pain and finally demand her respect, I've done it to people before.

    But I really care about her. If I didn't I wouldn't have let her get away with the break-up exactly how she wanted it.. she made it sound like she really does need to be alone right now, and like she really does care about me and will still be there for me.

    It all seems impossible, nobody has truly cared about me like that before. I just can't figure out why she'd make it up.. I don't have a car, I don't have money, she's not into drugs and I don't have access to that anymore anyway. All I have to offer is me and she still insists on holding on to that.

    Why would she do all that if she was just going to go mess around with other guys/girls? I don't think she's a sociopath. I can't find any motive for her to lie and I really want to believe her.

    I can't stop thinking about how good it was before she saw how ugly I am inside, before I clung to her and she pushed me away. For two weeks, I was truly happy. Everything I see started reminding me of her again, of the good parts, and it tears me up inside.

    How can I take advantage of being alone to take time to figure things out when my mind is hyperactive and keeps going back to her?
     
  13. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I do understand that feeling, when your mind keeps going back to them, have been having much the same problem myself.

    I recently split from my husband (his decision), and although I keep running round in circles in my head, I think it's actually going somewhere. Little things keep coming together in my head and thats helping me sort stuff out.
    That's why i said take the time to think about what you want. I know it can seem like your not getting anywhere but every now and then something just clicks into place.

    Meanwhile, she may come back. It sounds like she has invested herself in this relationship. Perhaps she really does just need some breathing space.

    ps. your more than welcome on the answering front.
     
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