Max Confusion

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Andy73, Sep 28, 2009.

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  1. Andy73

    Andy73 Active Member

    On the 28th of September I started self harming in the hope that by cutting myself will draw attention away for awhile from what was really happening and what I’m thinking about and from what I was feeling as I was feeling depressed and hopeless and that I was out of options as talking about what’s happening is not helping much but I found out self harming causes a more intense chaotic effect and a more stressful situation for me and even though I know alternatives to self harming I still think of that option even other types of self harming behaviors that are less dramatic which may prevent me from going to hospital and seeing mental health as I was reluctant to see them after the last time but this time the conversation was more positive and more supportive for me as we touched on about the last time I saw mental health and the case worker I saw then was only mentioning about when I was in that sexuality confusion as a possible course why I was still self harming and this time I was able to feel comfortable and contented in stating what my sexuality really is like now as I don’t feel any sexuality confusion anymore and I am comfortable and attracted to females only as that part of my life is over since I always got the feeling that my sexual confusion came about when I was sexually abused at the age of 14 by a person who was a near stranger to me and who I was supposed to be working for as the main objective was to save up money then and at that stage of my life I really had no idea about sex or sexual attractiveness or what this older adult was doing to me and the confusion of why and how I got an erection like as if my penis betrayed me and why did I go back for about 6 months and put up with that sexual abuse by this older adult male but I never thought of that experience as my first time of having sex or that I lost my virginity since it was with another male and I just wanted to forget it ever happened and started dating only females as that felt more comfortable to me but the confusion and wondering who I really was sexually would play on my mind now and then since I felt that any homosexual tendencies would of or could have been activated from when I was sexually abused at 14 even though I felt being gay would be unnatural and unusual for me I was still curious and confused about what if I am gay but I dreaded the thought of being with another male and became homophobic and then the real sexuality confusion started when I was 23 as I was drawn into a sexual relationship with a man who was also allot older than me as he’d supply me with money and smokes whenever I needed them and he’d always supply the alcohol which came with a price as I felt I had no control of my body or who I could choose as a sexual partner and I felt I never owned my own body or that I had no other opinions other than sex with this man as he was Manipulative and aggressive and at times forceful as he thought he could have his way and do anything he liked to me and he pretended to other he was more of a father towards me but behind closed doors he wanted a sexual relationship from me and all I wanted and needed was him to just be a good friend to me with any sexual activity but since I had borrowed of him the pay back was sex and as alcohol was involved I’d weaken and be even more vulnerable as I got intoxicated and regret what happened and I would be jumpy and get embarrassed if he’d touch me as he’d tell me he hasn’t broken me in yet and I didn’t need or want sex from him as I had a girlfriend who became my wife but she was also controlling and manipulative toward me and I felt very torn and confused with the situation and predicament I was in and who to turn to as this man wouldn’t leave me alone to let me choose my sexuality for myself as I felt I created the mess and through them 13 years that I was going through this I would have attempted suicide in a despite bid to end it all by taking overdoses at first and then poisons but it wasn’t until 2003 when I started self harming and became a compulsion as I wanted to make myself look ugly and unattractive to anyone especially this friend of mine and I even went on some medications to reduce my sex drive and to stop me from getting an erection as an attempt to stop him from getting to me as I felt I was re-experiencing the sexual abuse from when I was 14 but as a young adult this time as the age gap between these two men and me were similar and I kept cutting myself constantly until me and my wife separated and that’s when I did a major suicide attempt where I was missing and had done a large overdose in my car for 3 days until somebody found me and the attempt wasn’t because me and my wife had separated it had more to do with going to live at the man’s place who was sexually abusing me but out of that suicide attempt came the realization I had PTSD as I couldn’t stand anyone touching me or any loud noises or sudden movements and living with the person who was sexually abusing me never help as I was always on alert with him and eventually I got up the nerve to tell he to never touch me again and that I meant it and he ended up kicking me out at the end of December 2007 but he kept harassing me and threaten me but I was determined to finish it up with him and never see him or be around him again than he died on the 22nd of January 2009 from cirrhosis of the liver and even though I was a good friend to him I never went to the funeral as it was kind of a closer for me and for me to rebuild and move on with my life from that bad experience as I felt it was kind of like sexual torture and a living nightmare but I think I learnt allot and have a more of a open mind from experiencing sexuality from both a heterosexual and a homosexual prospective and that I know what my sexuality is now and proud of being myself and even though I still self harm I the intervals are get further apart.
  2. Montage

    Montage Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you had to go through such terrible things... Im glad your self harming is getting better and I hope things continue to look up for you :)
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

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