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May as well Post here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deadly, Nov 30, 2014.

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  1. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    I started my journey here in the welcome forum yesterday. Decided to move my posts to here. Like many that come to this place I suffer with the constant battle of not wanting to die but not wanting to live the life I do now. A big part of my issues I know are related to my past and my inability to overcome past loss. I keep playing old scenes over and over in my head. It is 3 years ago this month my marriage ended and even now I can still feel what it was like back then. It was a horrific break up. Toxic full of deceit full of betrayal. I have tried to move forward in my life again but find it impossible. 90pcent of my waking hours I feel low and depressed to the point where I could actually vomit. I am so damn tired of feeling like this :(
  2. Invisible Child

    Invisible Child Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the community. You will find a lot of caring members here. Do you have a therapist that you can talk with? I recently found a therapist that is wonderful but I am finding myself pushing her away. I have missed several appointments just because of work, I can't use work as an excuse anymore though. I am so sorry that your marriage ended, I know how hard that can be. Keep posting and chatting, it believe it or not does help most. :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    In a way a toxic relationship is not living either right so what happened needed to happen and for you to move forward you need some help Talk to you doctor ok about grief councelling
    become you have lost a dream a life you had wished for. Youcan move forward with help you can find a better relationship one that will bring more light to you not pain hugs
  4. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Have woken up this morning feeling sick and drained. Last year was so different in many ways. Another part of my own personal story. I was living in a village a short way from here. Had moved there in Jan 2013. Yet another fresh start. Over 2013 I began to make some friends. The isolation started to lift somewhat. Then around October I had an idea to buy the lease on one of the village pubs. By this time last year I had somehow managed this. Was due to take over Jan 2014. The Christmas i spent lots of time working the bar to get to know the business. People knew me as the "new landlord" I felt my pride and self esteem begin to grow. I sailed through Xmas eve. Worked the bar. Xmas day was to be the last with my beautiful mother. Little did I know we would watch her die the following September. The xmas day was a lovely being with her. I even managed to fly over to see my Son who lives abroad just before the New year.

    Finally after so long I had managed to begin again. I hit the new year running. Signed the paper work to the premises and was ready. Within 7 months the dream was shattered. I threw everything at it. Nothing worked. By July 2014 I faced eviction. I was in even more debt than ever before. One by one the people around me stepped back. The old feelings of failure and isolation began to resurface. I found myself suddenly living in the middle of nowhere. I mean nowhere. I was again crushed. I owed money everywhere (I still do) . Then I found the place I live in now. Shortly after my mum died. Bit by painful bit my life again fell apart. People whom I thought were friends stopped contact. And it all went very quiet. I have been sinking again since then. I sit here this morning kind of dazed by it all still.

    My self esteem is at zero. I feel less than worthless. I feel like I did over 3 years ago when my life really began to fall apart. I take responsibility for my failings. What else can I do. In bed last night I could not sleep. They are other issues going on with family members. Everything seems to be exploding in my head and I cant make sense of any of it. Its December the 1st. The world starts to celebrate the holidays. I dread it. Dread it!!! I will sit here alone in my filthy flat and do nothing. I want this to pass. I have to somehow pull myself together as my father is coming for an hour or so. Cant have him see me like this. I really feel like though I do not want to be here and am not sure how to cope with the pain. thank you for those who have replied to my posts. I have read your responses. But dont know what I can write in return.

    So many regrets from the past. So much loss. So many people gone from my life. I actually feel like I could vomit right now.
  5. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    I know people will think it is all self pity. I okay with that. But for me it has been a 4 year period of pretty much every part of my life collapsing around me. I had a life. I had a home. My children. A wife. A business. Its gone everything. I am reviled by many of my family members. Right now I feel utterly alone. Utterly dejected. Worth nothing. Im drinking coffee and it tastes awful. Not sure I can keep it down. The landlady of my flat is waiting for payment. I have not found the courage to face her yet. But need to. No rents paid this week. This though is the least of it. I am actually not caring less and less what happens. I thought about ending it again last night when in bed. Kept going over and over in my head. I was desperate for sleep. It did not come until late. I woke up with a start. The sick feeling and the nausia hit me again with speed. Crawl out of my bed. Make a coffee and sit here. Trying to make sense of it all.
  6. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Hang on in there Deadly. You've suffered a lot of losses this year. It can only get better from now on.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Just know people do care deadly. I'm curious about the vomiting, is it from anxiety? 'cos when I used to be very anxious I could sometimes vomit, there is medications made for that :)

    We do care, so hold on tight, it may be a battle but you will not be battling alone. I have read quite a few of your posts recently you seem like a lovely person and you do not deserve to suffer like this. Hang in there keep fighting the fight.

    Kind regards, petal x
  8. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Hi Petal it is like nausia I have it daily now. I think it is linked to my depression. I was supposed to sign up at the Drs today but had some other stuff to do. I did not throw up but feel like it. As if my nerves are shot . constant tense feeling. It is so tiring!!! No one that has not been through it will understand. You seem to alas.
    Thanks for your kind words i am though not sure about being a lovely person. I have done so much wrong in my life! ruined everything i go near.
    But thanks again for taking the time to write.
  9. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    HI Bart I hope I really hope. The free falling into the abyss has to come to a stop some how. I just dont know how or when :(
  10. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Deadly, I know how you feel but you are important. Life might not be good but you are. I know you have the urge but please do not do anything. Yes, the Xmas period will be tough but you can through on a day by day basis.
  11. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Hi Incrisis . I am not today going to end it. That I know. Its the tomorrow that is the problem and the day after. I am tired of feeling this way. The psychological and psychical effects of deep depression and a sense of zero hope are so draining. At some point this week I will visit the docter. See what kind of meds they can put me on ... anything to stop the sick feeling. Need to focus but can not at the moment. ty for your reply.
  12. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Met up with my father for a few hours. He is in hospital this Thursday for tests. I hope he is okay!!! Worried about him. He looked frail since mum died. frailer than ever. He was always so active when younger. Working 50 hour weeks at least in the restaurant trade. We spoke about mum. He misses her. It got emotional. Hid my tears as best I could from him. Was I crying for her for him or myself. I do not know. Then he had to go. The flat becomes empty again. I contemplated taking a drink. i could do with a drink. But the money does not allow it and I know that wont help. Even though it does dull the pain for a short while. Day has blended into the night and the world has gone on pretty much without me. Cars still pass by below my window. It will fall silent in the next few hours. I get some kind of momentary peace when the world sleeps. I cant cope with seeing people go about there day to day lives at the moment. The normality of it when what I am feeling I am sure is not normal!

    How long will this go on for ? Where is the End ? where is the solution ?
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are very welcome. I'd advise you see the doctor asap, I'm no pro but the symptoms you are describing all have some medication for them. I know it's hard. I know it's tough. But if there's something I can do to help please let me know. Anxiety is awful, it's horrible, a constant tense feeling is surely a sign of high anxiey. Please see the doctor. Just FYI I am on multiple meds, lots for nausea too. I do get how you are feeling, if I could take your pain away, I would :(
    We have ALL made mistakes, that does not make you a bad person.
  14. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    The nausea does sound like it's caused by worrying, but only a doc can be sure of that. As Petal says, try and get to a doc as soon as possible so that you can get some relief from all you're going through.

    We're here to help you. Keep posting!!
  15. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Hi yes I will go to the doctor tomorrow to register at least. As been feeling sick ALL Day. Some of it I thought was from the alcohol at the weekend. But I counted up it was only 7 or 8 pints spread over 4 or 5 hours. But the booze just makes it worse but it kills the pain as I said almost instantly. I love a glass of wine so would hate not to be able to partake in that. Moderation here is all I can hope for.

    But the nausea persists. I was supposed to make a few important calls today. Rent / other people who are screaming for money or my blood. I bottled it. Dived for cover. Could not face it. Tomorrow I will have no choice. My job is totally screwed up given my situation. I cant say more. But It can pay well but is about as isolating as it gets. At least tonight I managed to fight the dead feeling and did earn some money as I sit here broke. Another 2 hours to go then I will be able to down tools.

    I have been reading quite a bit here and some of what is shared is utterly heart breaking. The despair and pain so many are facing. Surely they has to be a way through this they has to be!
  16. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Important take care of yourself first, money issues always will be there for most folks. You're not alone in the money department just saying.
  17. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Yes that makes sense ... the money issues are though caused by my issues and those issues are many atm. But I can see fully what you are saying. Makes sense.
  18. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    In Feb 2015 it will be 3 years since I made the first attempt to end everything. I wont go into details on the hows. But I was there. The choice had been made. Fueled with alcohol I was disconnected and ready. I sent some messages at what I thought was the right moment. I had timed it well. Or so I thought. It seemed to take forever. Then I heard shouting .... downstairs and then the most horrendous sounds of the front door been smashed down. Glass been broken, wood splitting, iron being twisted. The room was then full of Police. Soon after I remember 2 paramedics. One to my side one stood over. I heard other voices. Some were of one of my family asking if I was alive. The rest is a blur. I woke up in A&E . Feeling hellish. Angry, totally smashed. Angry I had failed. Angry at the medics. I was not a nice person. I shouted raged and acted in a terrible way. They seemed to remain calm.

    The days after I was prescribed different medications. Small doses. They did not trust me. The support network was okay. Could have been better. But at least there was one. I remember those days like it was now here in front of my face. I don't want to go back there deep down but having been to the edge of the abyss some of the fear has left. I do not fear dying and nothingness. I do fear pain. I am a coward in that way. Somehow I got through that pit of emotions along with the shame you feel when others look at you as damaged goods. They avert there eyes from you or give advise such as "get a goods night rest" or "remember to eat fresh fruit" I was like wtf! But it was that feeling of being damaged goods which has always stayed with me. That somehow even those who have gone to that point are somehow less human. None of us here are damaged. We are just in pain. Just hurting. Just trying to make sense. This is probably the one website none of us would want to be a member off. But here we are.

    Your all worthy. Your all human. You all deserved to be loved. And yep each in our own way are unique and special. That time I was forceably pulled back from the brink. Many times I have been angry and disappointed that it happened so. But this time I need to be able to pull myself back from that brink. In my own way. If I can do that ... maybe just maybe I can heal. Can you ?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 1, 2014
  19. Bart

    Bart Banned Member


    Although you say that you now fear death less than you did before, I think that the experience you had serves as a reminder as to how awful your decision was at that time.

    As regards others, it's often that they are angry and/or scared but do not realise it. Therefore they turn their back rather than tackle their feelings. As DrownedFishOnfire said, you need to look after yourself now, firstly and most importantly. Only when you are better can you think about tackling other people's feelings, but remember that by definition, you will be taking on their feelings which can be both hard and sometimes hurtful to both parties.

    Take care...... Onwards and upwards!!!!
  20. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Did some work but not much. Did not make it to the GP as I know I need to. Could not face going outside. Nightfall proper can not come soon enough. Needing sleep but each time I try the brain starts going into overdrive. Tried to sleep for an hour this afternoon but only managed to drift. Feeling it all right now. I look at the mirror and see a mess staring back. Have not showered - nor shaved. The highlight of the day could be to bathe. This is what I think is termed as depression. People I have spoken to since 3.00pm yesterday ? 0.00.
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