Well, new here, posted a hi in the welcome, and now I'm here, like most people on the forum I would imagine, this place isn't something I just happened to stumble on, so may as well post the background and get it off my chest. By the way, not sure how this will turn out, apologies if it becomes a wall of text. Compared to some of the people I see here, this is all new to me, and I apologise for being so quick to this point and needing to find some comfort somewhere, a couple of months, I can pinpoint the start, I work in the emergency services, and we were involved in a road accident at work when hit by a drink driver one night, our vehicle got mashed fairly badly, one person died a few weeks later, and I was trapped in the vehicle at the time, thinking we were goners. That started a routine of flashbacks and images pretty soon afterwards. I'm lucky with work, and they have sorted out counselling, but that hasn't stopped everything getting gradually worse, I'm still off work, can't drive at night without a huge anxiety issue taking over, and not sure I can ever face driving back at work. This, naturally, has added pressure to home life as my wife struggles to cope with an angry, temperamental and constantly exhausted husband, and working extra shifts to make the money up and cover our bills. I sleep via medication or not at all, and have done since the accident. I'm currently on medication to help with the anxiety attacks, and suffered a really bad reaction to anti depressants which my doctor then withdrew. The depression side of things has slowly got worse, the doc knows that thoughts of suicide were there, but not how much, and I have managed to convince my doctor I wouldn't act on those thoughts. Until tonight, when the bag of tablets by my side just grew more and more appealing, I'm scared now, I don't think I can honestly lay claim to being in control of whether I follow through on these thoughts anymore. I cant bring myself to talk to someone on a helpline, so online seemed the next best thing, and here I am. Good to see you all, and sorry to start out on such a crappy note.