(May Trigger) How to overcome abuse & have a healthy relationship?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jul 9, 2009.

  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Im sorry if this post triggers any bad feelings for anyone. Im also sorry if this is the wrong place for this topic. I just wanted to get all my thoughts out and hopefully find some support/advice for others who have been where I am.

    I was raped and sexually abused as a little girl. My mind has blocked out much of it so very little memory of the abuse is left. My mom never believed her friend would abuse me and my cousin. I finally told her about it when I was 7 (I do remember some of the attack that finally forced me to tell her). I remember she didnt speak to me the rest of that day and finally the next day she told me I was a lier. Still to this day she says I made the whole thing up.

    I never really suffered any sexual side effects from it until recently. I was always freaked out by giving oral sex and wouldnt unless I was made to but that was the only problem I had. Now Im having nightmares about being violated. Im jumpy when my husband tries to touch me in that way. Lastnight I even pushed him away from me and yelled at him for trying to pull that with me. I have lost my comfort level with all sexual activity. I cant give oral sex at all anymore (I started to feel comfortable for a while), I cant do anal anymore, I wont try new things anymore. I feel uncomfortable and dont know why.

    Is this related to the past abuse? If so why am I just now having these feelings? How do I deal with them?

    If this isnt abuse related..Could it be that I just lost interest because of the pain I experiences with sex after my son was born? Maybe its been so long I dont know what to expect if I were to engage in sex regularly...

    For the longest time this problem drove me crazy. I felt like half a woman... I felt like I wasnt loved and I couldnt feel connected to my husband.. I still feel like that but its not as devastating as it was..

    I guess Im just looking to hear Im not alone in these kind of problems. It would be nice to know how other people cope..

    I feel the past abuse is hurting the relationship in more ways then sexually. I dont really understand it. The nightmares have made my mind go crazy with thoughts. I even had two nightmares about my husband murdering me. I actually once accused him of trying to drug me with a glass of water. My imagination is running wild.. I feel safe with my husband, comfortable, I know hed never hurt me..But I cant stop the nightmares..

    Im even having all kinds of strange sex themed dreams...Am I going out of my mind here?

    Sorry this post is so long..
     
  2. kyle123

    kyle123 Member

    im sorry hun...yeea rape is never easy..but your not half a women...its the sickos that dothis kinda stuff that are half a people...try to remember its in the past and look towards the future
     
  3. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    It only happened to me once and it really messed me up, I can only imagine what months / years of it will do to your mind. :sad: Does your husband know? Have you sat down and talked to him about how you're feeling? Hopefully he will be able to support you with this.
     
  4. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replys.. I just wanted to come back to say Im now unsure if its a abuse issue. I finally gave in and had sex with my husband. I had to turn all the lights out and still had to close my eyes. I even had to lie to him and tell him I enjoyed it. I think he could tell I was lieing but if he could he didnt say anything. I smiled, managed a fake giggle, paused to make him think I was joking, said nooo I hated it, then another fake giggle, and finally smiled and said yes I enjoyed it.. Im starting to think its more a issue with myself or with our relationship - maybe both..
     
  5. kyle123

    kyle123 Member

    has he ever hurt you in the past? maybe you have troubble forgiving him?
     
  6. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    He cheated on me once..About two weeks later we find out Im pregnant. That started a whole downward spiral (see my recent post in the crisis section for a little more info on that). After I had our son sex was just outright painful. I gave in once in a while because I was worried he would cheat again..I think that just made me hate him even more.. I have some ideas on this whole love/hate situation.. On one hand Im fat and ugly as home made sin. No one else would have me and I wont be alone. Hes the only person who would put up with me. Hes been nice enough to look thru the house at 3 am when Im freaking out from a hallucination. Hes been a good sport and hid our christmas tree one year because I swore it had eyes and was looking at me. Hes been a good guy at sitting at the table waiting patiently while I cower under it ranting something about demons and red eyes outside our windows..So on one hand I couldnt find a better guy then he is. On the other hand..Hes short tempered, over reacts to the smallest things, and can be insensative in his comments...
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you had any couple marriage councilling because this could help greatly. It is hard not being able to trust your partner but it seems he is trying to be supportive. Maybe he could take some anger management courses as well.