Im sorry if this post triggers any bad feelings for anyone. Im also sorry if this is the wrong place for this topic. I just wanted to get all my thoughts out and hopefully find some support/advice for others who have been where I am. I was raped and sexually abused as a little girl. My mind has blocked out much of it so very little memory of the abuse is left. My mom never believed her friend would abuse me and my cousin. I finally told her about it when I was 7 (I do remember some of the attack that finally forced me to tell her). I remember she didnt speak to me the rest of that day and finally the next day she told me I was a lier. Still to this day she says I made the whole thing up. I never really suffered any sexual side effects from it until recently. I was always freaked out by giving oral sex and wouldnt unless I was made to but that was the only problem I had. Now Im having nightmares about being violated. Im jumpy when my husband tries to touch me in that way. Lastnight I even pushed him away from me and yelled at him for trying to pull that with me. I have lost my comfort level with all sexual activity. I cant give oral sex at all anymore (I started to feel comfortable for a while), I cant do anal anymore, I wont try new things anymore. I feel uncomfortable and dont know why. Is this related to the past abuse? If so why am I just now having these feelings? How do I deal with them? If this isnt abuse related..Could it be that I just lost interest because of the pain I experiences with sex after my son was born? Maybe its been so long I dont know what to expect if I were to engage in sex regularly... For the longest time this problem drove me crazy. I felt like half a woman... I felt like I wasnt loved and I couldnt feel connected to my husband.. I still feel like that but its not as devastating as it was.. I guess Im just looking to hear Im not alone in these kind of problems. It would be nice to know how other people cope.. I feel the past abuse is hurting the relationship in more ways then sexually. I dont really understand it. The nightmares have made my mind go crazy with thoughts. I even had two nightmares about my husband murdering me. I actually once accused him of trying to drug me with a glass of water. My imagination is running wild.. I feel safe with my husband, comfortable, I know hed never hurt me..But I cant stop the nightmares.. Im even having all kinds of strange sex themed dreams...Am I going out of my mind here? Sorry this post is so long..