. . . . . . . . . . *may trigger*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by LostandConfused, Sep 15, 2007.

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  1. LostandConfused

    LostandConfused Well-Known Member

    i dont care who replies, i dont even care who reads this i just need to get it out n open.

    i hate what my life is becoming. i go to uni in less than two weeks but the longer i wait the more and more my life at home is falling to pieces and i dont think i can do this anymore. i cant even seem to cry about it. i want to but when i feel like im about to the tears just dont seem to come. i wanna cut so fucking badly. im bored and fucked off and it all and i just want something to do that i know will fill this void that i feel which everyday is getting increasingly more empty. i need to bleed. i need to feel that cool blade push up against my arm. the sharp hint of pain as the blood runs down my arm. i havent cut on my arm for 3 years and its killing me. i havent cut for nearly 4months but god i want to. everyone says it wont achieve anything but we all no it does. with that stream of red comes an instant release whether its only for a couple of minutes or even seconds i no i would achieve it. my arm itches. iv been scratcing so badly the skins raw. part of me cant help thinking it would be a massive achievement to bleed that way. i cnt stop shaking. i cnt stop thinking about stupid fucking things that iv done over the last month that have thrown my life into what it is now. and i cnt reverse it. and no one is here to listen to me.

    i just wanna do something whether i cut or burn or drink or overdose. i need to bleed to stop my body aching otherwise its gna consume me. i just wanna feel like me again but until im drenched in blood and oblivious to the world that wont become a reality. even my face is aching. i cnt stop scratching my cheeks i want them to bleed tears since i cant cry. i want to cover my whole body in burns and cuts and bruises. i dnt care about the scars. i believe they accurately depict who i am. i care aboutfeeling complete.

    i care about remembering who i am... being me... and i cnt think of a better way to save myself
     
  2. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    understood.. any self harmer knows what you are saying.. and we have all been there... i wonder when thinking about "what you have done this past month" can you get past the act and figure how to make it right.. try to shift your thoughts to fixing what has happened ........ if it cant be fixed than do something that makes you feel farther away from the "thing" you did ........ sure to cut will make you feel better for the minute .. but figuring out how to right the wrong will feel good for a long time... and not cutting will eventually feel good too.... i hope you can manage with out the cut... but if you cant please dont beat yourself up about it... all coping skills even those not so healthy are needed some times.......... hugs and support...
     
  3. kris-neptune

    kris-neptune Member

    'sup.. yea, we understand how you feel, and indeed, that one minute of pain feels so satisfying, but when you look back at that minute, it dosent feel so good.
    i can't take a blade out of your hand from here. and sure you can look back and be ashamed of things youve done, but don't dwell in that. instead, try not to look foward, but look at the now, whats happening now, try to think instead how you now can make up for things like that
     
  4. Yeah, a lot of us know the feeling. I know it right now. But you just gotta hang in there. We're all here for you. Uni. sounds nice. Where you going?
     
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