.may trigger.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by lost_child, Nov 18, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    2 years ago today, the time now I was laughing, talking little did I know that in a few hours time something would happen that would stay with me forever, that put the last nail in my coffin, that opened up wounds ~ he's cousin just released from prison for ABH and armed offences, he's brother firing he's air rifle, saying how he wasn't afraid to use it and then him coming home. The last song I heard was Ghetto Gospal. My friend disappeard, went home. He hit me, pushed me on to he's bed, I had jeans and a top on, I don't remember everything. He then forced himself in me and had se* with me, he made me bl**d. I feel so dirty. He said I was asking for it, I wanted it, I was a prick teaser. Maybe he's right, I am. I am dirty, I am filthy. The next 8 weeks I crumbled end of January I broke. I hate this time of year, every smell is off him, every shiver is cause of him. I keep remembering him on top of me, feeling suffocated, unable to breath, unable to move. I'm trying to remain in the here and now. I'm trying but struggling.

    how can I move on. I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust myself. I have DID, and I can understand that ppl don't understand I don't either. One of them becomes very angry and as others have told me she becomes possessed, her face changes, her body language changes. I never remember anything when she's here. I've tried to knife people, I've thrown glassses, I've hit people, I get very very very angry, she's also the one who will kill herself. When I'm feeling suicidal I have bit more control and will try and reach out but when she's her, I have none. I don't know what to do. I'm scared that she will take over, I don't know what triggers it, I don't know how to control her. I'm sorry. I keep having more eposides with her and yes I'm scared. sorry.

    Lifes a mess, I'm a mess. I don't know which direction to go in. :cry:
  2. Huntress

    Huntress Guest

    Lost Child,
    I am sorry the hear what you have been through. I have learned one thing in trying to help my friend through her rough time right now and that is, you are not to blame. The guy who did this more than likely wanted to feel powerful. At least that is what my dad told me about the guy that did something. I am sorry that you have to go through this.

  3. googonz

    googonz Active Member

    I know how you feel. I was raped when I was a junior in hischool by my football coach. You have to keep on going one day at a time. it took me two eyars to recover from one night with my coach. And even after he did it he still threw hits of sexual abuse at me.
  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I can't move on from the past. I can't let go. memories. memories. memories. seeing their face, hearing those words, knowing I don't remember everything, being triggered more and more. I can't move on. I can't forget. I want to, but i can't.
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