Maybe hope.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Seerbrum, Jan 26, 2009.

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  1. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    Maybe I shouldn't comment because I myself not entirely out woods.

    But I understand your pain, if only I could feel it. I wish it was enough, but we all know it isn't.

    And it takes a shit load more courage to live when you feel like you don't have anything to live for, I find that to be true.

    See you're angry, you're angry because you wish you could live, just like everyone else. But you can't, why? Because you aren't blind, you aren't stupid, and you are not just another drone. Most people are drones.

    Shit sucks and you know it, its smells bad, it tastes bitter, and you wish you could swallow it whole like everyone else, but you can't.

    And that makes you better, thats makes you STRONG. You're not dead yet. Why?
    Because for some god damn reason, much like me, you gotta live. You gotta just bite bullets.
    Cope with the pain
    And wake up tomorrow just to do it again.

    Most people when depressed, just escape, but for the folks like us. Even the escape smells bad as well, smells worse then what you're running from.

    Today I went from happy, to sad, to angry, to dissappointed, back to stable. In the span of 6 hours. Quiet a day if you ask me.

    I once tried to end my life, but as I progess every day further and further from that june afternoon on friday 2007, I find that just being angry is enough to keep me moving, to keep me motivated.

    If you must know, my dream died when I was 17, I wanted to be a soldier so bad I could taste it... so bad I forced my own mother to sign my enlist papers so I could join early. I ended up screwing it up for the rest of my life. I can never be a soldier, I can never serve my country in a time of war.

    If my dream's dead, then I'll just let that part of me remain dead. As for every drop of blood, for every shed tear, for every bead of sweat, I'll make it mean something, even if currently it means nothing to me.

    I wanna thank those on the forum who supported me, and I want to give hope to those who need support. We are all truly brothers and sisters.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the planet...there is nothing assured, we are all imperfect and none of us came with an operating manual...we are all just trying to make it in a very confused and messy state...we are finite and temporary and we have to deal with feeling so small and inadequate most of the time...that is just the cost of being human...good luck and hard work on your quest, J
  3. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    why can't you be a soldier?
  4. Born_A_LoseR

    Born_A_LoseR Active Member

    there is hope for me too i'm seeing a doctor and she signed a paper saying that I cant work because of severe depression so im gonna get disability checks then i'll be able to at least get my own place to live and stuff
  5. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    LIED on my enlistment, when I got caught I tried to fling myself out my Barracks window.

    Not exactly living up to the army Values. They won't let me rejoin. I'm useless honestly, just useless fucking carbon.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Seerbrum,

    I'm sorry you lost your dream. Surely you must have other goals in life? What else do you want to achieve? :hug:
  7. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    Goals? Dreams? Idea's?

    Honestly I've spent a bizarre amount of time trying to destroy myself, even joining the army was an attempt to put myself in harms way (In hindsight, again I wasn't living up to the Oath I took and the Values I wished to embodied, by purposely joinning during a time of war).

    But thats just baggage. Yes there are other things I'd like to do, but could it compare to serving my country? To being a Soldier?

    I have my doubts, sorry about the random out burst, I just managed to shove some vodka down my throat so I'm feeling better. Better, being realtive to the fact that I was just a mess about an hour ago with out it.

    But thats just one thing on of list of "shit I shouldn't of screwed up". My shame, my gulit, and honestly it should be my problem.

    I always as a child, wanted to be the picture of heroism. That strong bravado of a soldier, with pericing eyes, and a sensitive soul of a poet.

    But so much for pipe dreams.

    I think a lot about it, despite it happening years ago. (I signed my life over to my country at 17, so I'm 21 now... do math because the alcohol has made me particularly lazy at the moment).

    Mistakes, I hate them (who doesn't?). But for other Goals? Dreams? They're blurred to me. They seem either unreal, unattainable, or simply illrelevant. (I never wanted to be a college student, I thought myself simply more motivated and less self-involved, but I've delt with absoluting loathing myself since I was 12)*.

    *No offense to college students, but doing something solely for myself, seems rather a waste, considering I don't much like myself or my life anyways. Self-sacrifice seemed to be my ideal pursuit in life, but these days I only concern myself, with myself. Keeping myself drunk, keeping myself high, keeping myself just stable enough so I manage not to do something stupid.
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