I do not know what to say really. I am having a hard time coming up with a clear thought process. Recently I have been having lots of suicidal flashes. Where I Am just sitting in the room and <edit moderator total eclipse methods> Just out of the blue. Then the thoughts stay with me. Like right now I am thinking about using the <edit moderator total eclipse method>while packing. I want to pin point the cause. However, I am having a hard time. I know that one cause is the fact that I feel like I am falling behind. I should be nearing the end of my fitness goals... yet here I am still fat. Not as fat as when I started a year ago.. but still fat... I wanted to be done by now. I know that I cannot afford my trainer for much longer. Yet the amount I want to lose seems like too much. I am falling behind. My goal was to start trying to socialize now. However, with my gut it makes things harder. Then there is the move. I have had no motivation to pack. I need to pack I start moving next Thursday. So I try to start packing then I get distracted or come up with an excuse to stop. Time is running out... I still have to deep clean the apartment as well. That is a chore in and of itself... however, I need to be packed first. I do not know, maybe I am running out of motivation. I am feeling like a hypocrite. I run around telling people feeling happy is something you can do willingly. Yet here I am miserable and unable to feel happy. I feel bad because I do not give out advice or support here as often as I should. Yet I come begging for advice and support. I just feel an emptiness growing and growing. I want my jaded self to return... the self I was in high school. Yet at the same time I do not want that self to return yet. I do not know... thanks for reading... I just want the suicide flashes to stop... stop long enough for me to get into my new apartment where I will be alone. Really I want them to stop long enough for me to be able to move far away from everything I know, and truly be alone and forgotten.... again thanks.