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Maybe I am Exhausted?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Apr 19, 2011.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I do not know what to say really. I am having a hard time coming up with a clear thought process.

    Recently I have been having lots of suicidal flashes. Where I Am just sitting in the room and <edit moderator total eclipse methods> Just out of the blue. Then the thoughts stay with me. Like right now I am thinking about using the <edit moderator total eclipse method>while packing. I want to pin point the cause. However, I am having a hard time.

    I know that one cause is the fact that I feel like I am falling behind. I should be nearing the end of my fitness goals... yet here I am still fat. Not as fat as when I started a year ago.. but still fat... I wanted to be done by now. I know that I cannot afford my trainer for much longer. Yet the amount I want to lose seems like too much. I am falling behind. My goal was to start trying to socialize now. However, with my gut it makes things harder.

    Then there is the move. I have had no motivation to pack. I need to pack I start moving next Thursday. So I try to start packing then I get distracted or come up with an excuse to stop. Time is running out... I still have to deep clean the apartment as well. That is a chore in and of itself... however, I need to be packed first.

    I do not know, maybe I am running out of motivation. I am feeling like a hypocrite. I run around telling people feeling happy is something you can do willingly. Yet here I am miserable and unable to feel happy. I feel bad because I do not give out advice or support here as often as I should. Yet I come begging for advice and support. I just feel an emptiness growing and growing. I want my jaded self to return... the self I was in high school. Yet at the same time I do not want that self to return yet.

    I do not know... thanks for reading... I just want the suicide flashes to stop... stop long enough for me to get into my new apartment where I will be alone. Really I want them to stop long enough for me to be able to move far away from everything I know, and truly be alone and forgotten.... again thanks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2011
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm guessing that the suicidal flashes that you can't pin point are your reaction to trauma in your past that hasn't healed. I don't know if you've tried therapy or not

    You don't have to be such-and-such a weight in order to be happy and to socialize. There are plenty of happy, social, overweight people, and there are plenty of slim unhappy disconnected people.

    On a practical note, I've found that eating fresh, cooked, whole foods served warm has been helpful for weight control and general health. You might want to try avoiding foods like wheat, dairy, sugar, and foods served cold.

    you might be able to postpone your move, or even tell your landlord how you are feeling and that you are having trouble moving. you could hire help for your move

    I don't think that you truly want to be alone and forgotten. I hope that you can get better soon!

  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, Forgotten Man.

    Wow, a fitness plan/weight loss and moving are two major life changes - don't underestimate how much energy they take, or how overwhelming they can feel. Anyone would feel kind of dragged out, methinks.

    Sounds like with the fitness you have reached one of those common but de-motivating plateau stages. Perhaps your trainer could recommend a way to bump things up just a bit so that you shift off the plateau.

    Packing up for a move is a huge thing to face, imo. Seems like a whole lifetime is just sitting there, and we have to decide what to keep and what to let go of, and then how to pack what we're keeping. Have you tried sorting items into different groups: Keeping, Giving to Charity/Salvation Army, Throwing Out? It might help. Also, try sorting and packing for only an hour or two at a time if it is feeling overwhelming.

    I know you can manage all of this...Just take it slowly and keep on pushing along.

    Thinking of you,

  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @may71: No I have not tried therapy. I barely have enough time to myself as it stands.

    I know I do not have to be a certian weight to do my socializing. However, I would feel much better about myself if I was there. A lot of my self-esteem issues are held up in my weight. <_< I blame being raised by lots of females.

    Sadly my land lords are not very compassionate. I am sure they have already rented out my current apartment. I also cannot afford any help with my move. Most of my money is just going to deposits and fees for my new apartment. Not to mention boxes and stuff for moving out of this one. It is just stressful esepcially since my roommate has not moved out of his room yet and won't be around to move until the last day we are in the apartment.

    I am hoping to fix my alone issue in the next year or two... then again... right now it is hard to say if I can even put forth the energy to make the changes needed.... I do not know... maybe I am just too tired.

    @Acy: Yeah, the sad thing is that my weight loss has not really stopped. While it does suck that I am not constantly losing weight. I am not just sitting in one position either. I am definitly trying to get more out of my personal training sessions. The few that I have left... or will have left.

    I am running into another problem with my move. Since I can walk to my new place I am only trying to pack up what I have to pack up. Really I do not have that much to pack... it is just spread out all over the place.

    I wish I could slow down. Sadly I have to be out of my apartment on the 30th...I have been taking things slowly already.. I don't know.. just goes to show how unmotivated I really am.
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I've moved a few times and helped others move. All you really need is some cardboard boxes, some thick bin bags, and some labels. Some duct tape also comes in handy.

    You need to phone up a transit van and driver if you've not got a lot of stuff - making two runs in a transit van is not unusual. If you have more stuff you hire a box van. If you know someone who can drive, you can hire the box van - last time I paid £80 for 6 hours or so, plus cash deposit also for any damage or wear and tear. Just be careful and you get back the deposit.

    Also get some old newspaper as this will be good for packing stuff - you may have to wrap ornaments in paper and so on on and you pack the boxes out with paper to stop anything being chipped or dented. You can get some at a newspaper dump bin as there's always loads lying in bags.

    You can pack the boxes in two or three days with ease. Label them so you know you can at least cook a meal when you get to the new place, plus have a bath or shower and all your clothes ready. Put clothes in the thick bin bags. You don't want to move in and find you've no pans, soap, toothbrush and so on.

    Lastly, your treasures will need to be packed carefully. Photos memorabilia, computers, anything worth anything.

    You have 11 days which is tons of time! I'm a kind of wait till the last minute type of guy always looking at the watch and saying "sh**, were did the time go?' - so I'd be getting woke up by whoever hired the box van and getting them to 'hang on a minute'.

    PS - if you can walk to the new place, don't bother hauling stuff by hand! You'll need a van to move any heavy furniture, sofa, fridge freezer, oven and washing machine.

    I just keep accumulating more stuff myself - can't resist a new musical instrument and I'd buy pretty much anything musical at a second hand store so my place resembles a studio.

    As for weight loss - I'd not bother with a personal trainer and would go to one of the fairly cheap diet clubs. We have something called Slimming World in my area which is basically a course that weighs all the people each week and has a reward system. They have the course once a week for an hour, usually at 6.00pm or 7.00pm for anyone working to attend. I know a few men who went on it - the thing about it is that you meet other people and pass on tips about diet, nutrition and exercise. The weekly weigh in gives everyone a chance to have something to aim for. I've seen some drastic weight losses from this and the cost in the UK is £3 or £4 per week for the one session. For this you get a collection of diet sheets in a nice folder and a diary in which you get your weekly weight recorded.

    A lot of people on diets give up because they keep the diet to themselves. In the Slimming World and other similar courses, you meet with the same people each week so maybe thirty or so will be there to witness you lose 3 pound. Everyone applauds any loss of weight - helps create a kind of buzz about it and makes it fun.

    You could combine that with attending a gym/swimming pool a couple of times a week which would do your self confidence the world of good. Bear in mind, we all see these charts of the ideal weight at a certain height and age. Truth is, there is no average in how people are - some are naturally inclined to be bigger than others even if all the fat was turned to muscle. Some people think they are overweight when they are actually underweight. you got to be careful about weight loss and that's why the likes of slimming world is a help.

    PS - Moving home in the same area is not too bad stress wise. Sure its still a drag and sometimes leaving is painful but a new home represents a new start right away. You should look on the positive about that and I hope your new home is a happy home which will reverberate with sounds of laughter soon enough and yet be a sanctuary of peace for you to unwind, be creative in and so on.

    Your home can be your church, mosque, synagogue or temple.

    May I be the first to congratulate you in advance.

    PS - Pack any stereo so that it's the first thing out and set up for some music.

    PPS - Introduce yourself to your new neighbours. Any adjoining apartments in particular but make a point of saying hello and explaining your the new neighbour. Help any elderly ones also. Good luck again.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @peacelovingguy: :dry: I wish my van had not died. It was a V6, take out all the seats and I had more room than most SUVs. I have lots of little pieces, mostly figures. They are all nice and boxed up. :dry: plus I Have to worry about my cat. She starts to attack things when I lock her up... I know how little you need to move though. My last move I had my current apartment and my last apartment at the same time for 3 weeks. A box a day made the move smooth.

    I am definitely doing my best to save up for my next move. I hope that I will be moving far away with my next move, next year. I am just stressing out because I have no help. I do not have the funds to hire help either. I barely have enough to rent a dolly. Then there is the cleaning... I just stopped caring about a three months ago... so yeah...

    As for the training, I enjoy working out with my trainer. Even if he is just a good sales guy. My main problem is I do not have a spotter. I am still working on my shyness so... hitting weights at the gym alone means I progress slower. I can accredit most of my weight loss to my trainer as well.

    I wish I could find a weight loss club where the gym goers are just casual goers like me. My problem with any club like that around here is everyone is training for a marathon or a triathlon. I am nowhere near that serious. Plus very few people at the gym are into the stuff I am into, like anime and video games. BUt these are just poor excuses I know.

    Anyway thanks for the advice. I am just a bit stressed out. I actually had to pack up all my stuff at work as well. Just so much moving has been going on.
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    ^^^That also describes me.

    You have alot going on, no wonder your under alot of stress, and as you know stress does some crazy things to our body. You say you havent reached your goal weight yet and cant afford your trainer, but whats stopping you from continuing on what hes taught you already, plus the internet is full of training manuals, video, techinques.

    No packing, thats a whole other storey. I also hate to pack, done it so many times I cant even remember all the houses Ive lived in but probably over 100, (moved alot as kids). Take it one room at a time, start in one corner and work your way around the room. Keep your clothes on the hangers, just fold them into the box, use your towels to wrap breakables. Once you get going, you will find motivation because you will see progress.

    I hope that the weight lifts up off of you a little, so you can get what you need done.
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @doityourself: I can afford him for two more months. Sadly, I have not absorbed hardly anything from him. I know more exercises now, yet I am still not sure how to determine the proper way to do my workouts. It also sucks because I am losing access to his equipment. I really like kettle bell training, and the generic gym kettle bells suck.

    I hate moving as well. I just want to find an apartment where I can relax and live for the next 3 or so years. I tore down my video games yesterday. Took up 3 whole boxes. SEeing that side of the room empty did help motivate me a little.
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sending good thoughts and wishes your way. Moving house is a chore, but I'm glad to hear you got a room half-emptied! :yay: :stars:
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    :eek:hmy: you took your video games down first, wow thats the last thing in our house to go down and its so bad that it goes in the car with us, lol. Damn Call of Duty Black Ops Zombies, lol.

    I understand what you mean about the equipment, have you tried looking for an apartment with a gym included. Take these 2 next months to learn everything you can from him, and explain hey Im not leaving you cause I choose to its because I can no longer afford it, maybe that will motivate him to help you out more.

    I know about the feeling of wanting to be settled, my family has been up in limbo for the last 5 years atleast, it gets sooo tiring.
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Acy::lol!: it is kind of sad when the majority of your room is video games, anime and DVDs. Next major thing will be the kitchen. Then the cleaning ^_^ thanks for the positive thoughts.

    @doityourself:lol!: Well I took down all my consoles. My PC has.... I think I was up to 20 games installed on it. That is only like half my PC game collection :tongue: I also have my DS, 3DS and my PSP. I have no shortage of video games.

    I am planning on learning as much i can from my trainer. My apartment does have a gym. Granted I do like the group exercise classes... anyway you basically already knew my plan.

    I hate moving because it is expensive. I have no plans of buying a property anytime soon. I like the mobility an apartment can offer. >_> plus I hate yard work.
  12. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Yea moving is very expensive, weve always done it the DIY way, rent the truck and muscle everything ourselves. (look into the moving straps, make things alot easier, and you can get them from most hardware stores for under $20) Yep its Alot of work, but once you get settled into a new place, it just feels like a new beginning in a strange sort of way.

    I agree on the yard work, but would love to own our own place by now so the kids can play in the yard that Im sure my H will complain about taking care of, lol.

    Sounds like your getting everything together and the anxiety of the move has calmed and the work has begun. The kitchen is the hardest so once you get that done, youll be smooth sailing I think. Im glad you do have a gym in your new place, maybe offer some of your friends to come over and work out with you.

    Good Luck
  13. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @doityourself: Sadly my lack of friends makes DIY impossible with some things. When I say lack of friends I mean no friends. My roommate is too wrapped up in his girlfriend to care that I am left to clean the whole apartment myself and to move all the heavy stuff myself.

    Which is another problem I run into with working out. I tried to get my roommate to work out with me. However, if I did not practically change him myself he did not want to go. Sucks literally having no friends... in real life.

    :sweat: I guess I had better start on the kitchen today. I need to do all the dishes and stuff then pack all the dishes and stuff. Then clean oh the cleaning.
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey "K", Ilost 29 lbs. by changing my diet.. I eat a bowl of cereal in the am, then pickles and chese for lunch, Finally I make a salad for dinner.. I put cucumbers onion croutons and eith pork or chicken in it..It helps alot..You have to stay away from the sodas.. Thats what got me.. I never had a gut until I started drinking alot of soda.. Give it a try..
  15. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I eat more than you. :blink:
  16. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Ah, now here's a tip that I learned about doing the kitchen. Make up a box with your kettle, toaster, a pot/pan, spoon, fork, knife, plate, mug and glass, plus basics for toast, coffee/tea and soft drink. Set it aside for easy locating when you get to the new place. Makes the first night and the next morning so much easier! :)
  17. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    sorry still havent mastered the multi quote thingy.

    What a shame that your roommate is like that. Are you going to have a new roommate in the new place? Maybe when you get there and find others working out, you can mention something about working out together, or ask some advice on weights or equipment if your to nervous to ask to hang out.

    I know what you mean about no friends, if I wasnt married with kids I wouldnt have anyone, and yea I also mean anyone. And even though I am married alot of times I still feel so alone.

    I absolutely hate cleaning, really missed the girl gene where you want to have everything spotless, so I feel for you on that one. See what the guidlines are for moving out of your place, they may clean when you leave anyway, so for you it may be all about wiping things off and vacuuming carpet and moping floors.

    Kitchens are always nightmares to pack, you have to wrap every single thing, Eh. try to pack little boxes so it wont be so much for you to carry, and put a sign up saying pay you $20 bucks if you come help me move on --- day in your building, people are always looking for a fast way to make an extra buck.
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    good to hear you're now on the way with the packing FM...don't envy you having to move all alone...it's a stressful job.
    I've had to hire truck and men the last few times and it still exhausted and stressed me out..
    and oh the claeaning...think of it as giving you a good 'work out':laugh:
    good luck in your new place :hugtackles:
  19. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Ah I did a diet similar to yours couple weeks ago. My body did not have enough energy to keep losing weight once my body adapted. My company is evil though... they keep the break room well stocked with pop... -_- bastards. Luckily I can resist the free pop... most of the time...

    That is a good idea... since I am so lazy with unpacking.

    The multi-quote thing is simple. Simply click the little + icon on all the stuff you want to quote. Then press the post reply button

    Nope no new roommate. I do not want any kind of roommate. I miss the days of not having to worry about whether or not I am wearing pants in my apartment. I kind of wish I could bring myself to talk to people at the gym. Sadly I feel like I am intruding on their workout.

    I wish I could figure out how to make friends. Sometimes I do enjoy my peace. Knowing that no one will be there to find me if I try to kill myself. I will be dead for several days if I do kill myself.

    >_< I do not trust people... I have too many big boxes only labeled "Video Games". Lucky for me I am moving to a differnt unit in my current building. Plus now that I have actually packed up some of my stuff. I do not really have much. >_< My sister did not get the cleaning gene either. I think she is worse than me... >_> I do not think females get that gene anymore. I have not known.... ok well I have not really known any females... but the ones I have known have no cleaning genes.

    ^_^ Yeah it is pretty stressful. I can only imagine how bad it will be if I can actually move out of state next year.
  20. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I think this is the stress of moving and work and... well life but I am feeling down. However, I do not feel like making a new thread.

    Anyway this week I decided to head out to restaurants. I went to two places over the past two nights. I realize how pathetic I look out by myself. Last night and tonight... I sit down at my table for one... order an appetizer pull out my 3DS... then look around as other people, close to my age, sit together and laugh and have fun in groups. :sad: Then there was me... sitting alone... taking up space. I even tried sitting in the bar area at these restaurants to try to socialize a bit... however... I just couldn't.

    Makes me feel ill... makes me want to give up on others once and for all. All I could do was awkwardly look around... nothing more. Lucky for me I looked like such a loser no one cared to speak to me. :depressed: Why can't I be social in real life like I am on the net?

    Seriously, I wonder why I can talk and want to talk here... yet when I go out and try and talk with other people I hide. :sad: , I wish I could figure out how to get over it. I do not know... I wish I could sum up the courage to kill myself... or talk to someone... or try to make new friends....

    Maybe I need to find a new job far away sooner rather than later... not that I have the... god $3500 required to break my lease. I think my current state, in the US, is messing with me. I have so many times to misery and suffering here... it holds me back. Then I think who am I kidding? I am who I am... a guy who will be truly alone if I ever leave this state. At least here I can fall back on others... well my roommate... kind of... ok I guess I have no one here either...

    Fuck what do I have? I have a good job and money... I have access to the internet... god why can't it be tomorrow? I wonder how many of the remaining 8 Mikes hard lemonades I can down. 16 oz and 8% alcohol by volume.... I wonder if that is enough to kill me... fuck... I do not want to be here at the end of June...

    Just another testament to how alone I am. I get to have all my family wish me a happy birthday. I especially hate my mom wishing me a happy birthday... she still tries to use the fact that we have the same birthday to bond with me. It really makes me sick. I wish my family would stop pretending that I am actually worth something. Seriously, my drugged out stripper cousin is worth more than me. I know how I can get birthday pity. I can go out and drink by myself at a bar or club. I can get my sister to tell me the names of some places. I can go sit at the bar alone. See if anyone even notices I am there.... then I can get thrown in the drunk tank as I try and make my way home... better leave valuables at home so I do not get robbed... shit I will also need money... hmmm...

    Oh well that is several months away... :( I guess I will go check out some of the cosplay galleries and wonder why I even bother going to anime conventions any more.... sorry to waste the space... have a good night all.
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