Maybe I just don't belong..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hanging_Hope, Aug 11, 2009.

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  1. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    Hey, well, I'm new here...I've been checking this forum often, pondering on whether I should join or not, and here I am..

    I really can't open up to anyone around me, so, I thought that maybe posting here would ease the pain a bit for a few moments...It's going to be a long post, but I'm going to appreaciate it so much if some of you take some of your time to read it and maybe post a reply...

    I honestly don't know from where to begin..I've been feeling suicidal for as long as I can remember...I'm 20 years old now, and I must have been feeling that way since I was 12. It's much more intense right now, but I can't even recall a time when I was really feeling okay and happy with my life...

    It would take me hours to write down all that's happened in my life that caused me to feel this way..So I will just point out the main events that caused me to feel this way..

    Ever since I was 11 years old, I knew my father had been cheating on my mother for a long time. He even brought me to his ''girlfriend's'' house and I would watch them kissing, terriffied of what I could possibly tell my mother. My father thought I was stupid, and I wouldn't even understand what was going on. My mother eventually found out, and told my father to leave the house immediately. A huge fight followed where my father hit my mother and me, and nothing was the same again. My mother started treating me like I was of no worth, she kept calling me useless all day long, hit me when I was annoying her and embarrassed me continuisly in front of our friends and family. By the time I was 13, every single kid in my class knew all about me being called useless and they all prefered to keep a distance from me.

    I was bullied all the way through elementary and middle school. I was once locked in the school's toilets by my loving classmates for fun just when school closed for the day. I stayed there until the evening until the cleaning lady heard me shouting and crying. It was a nightmare, and I can't get that insident off my mind.

    The only thing to make me feel happy and safe all these years was the piano. I always adored playing the piano, and I dedicated a lot of time to it, even if I didn't own one, but I had to visit my music school in order to play it. It became my only friend in a way, the only happy thought back then. And that's why I made sure never to stop learning and playing it.

    At high school, I finally managed to get some friends. I had joined the music club there and played the piano for every ocassion, and so people began to see me slightly differently. I had also began participating in all sorts of piano contests, and won a couple of times, so I guess that also had to do with it. My very first friend was a nice, outgoing compared to me girl who almost made friends with everyone. Then I met one of her other friends, and I would meet them every once in a while. I was content with my life back then; I had piano, and two people I could call my friends. I would still get abused by my mother emotionally and mentally really often, but I was much more optimistic right then.

    Things with my father weren't good at all; he had married that woman, bought her all sorts of stuff and rarely gave me and mom enough money to spend each month. That women's daughter is about 5 years older than me, and when I was 15, she slept around a lot and ended up getting two abortions. Her mother didn't seem to care, she even instructed her on what underwear to wear or on 'how to spice up her sex life'. I hated both with a passion. Everytime I was forced to visit my father in his house, I felt miserable beyond words. My '''step sister'' found that rather amusing, and she and her friends laughed at me everytime I was at my father's house. I always kept a blank expression, avoided looking at them and stayed at a corner by myself. I rarely spoke in my father's house, anyway.

    Back to my friends...It was good while it lasted. When high school was finishing, they started avoiding me. I would call them and they either were sick or had plans, and when I saw them in school they just told me ''See you later, we have to go''...They had gotten new friends, who were much more 'interesting' and much more less weird than myself. I was considered to be rather a freak than anything else. I was scared of crowds, and people in general. I wanted to find a few people with who I could feel secure and happy with, but all I could find were girls who talked about which outfit to wear on dates, what they did with their boyfriends, e.t.c.. I was also especially afraid of talking to any guy, since I was always afraid of rejection or being made fun of. I would try to talk and nothing would come out; it was impossible for me to communicate with other humans. I would spend too much time thinking and keeping myself company...The memories of the non stop bullying in elementary and middle school would haunt me endlessly. I just didn't know what to do. I had no support, no family or friends that cared.

    I would go home everyday, lock myself in my room and cry. I felt embarassed to be that way, I felt weak and worthless. And when my mother saw me cry she screamed at me for being that way and for being of no use. I had even gotten used to her saying that giving birth to me was the worst mistake of her life, and it would be much better if just got an abortion.

    One day, when I was 17, my cousin was staying over at my house with my aunt. She was two years younger than me, and already had about three boyfriends and a bunch of friends. She would talk to me non stop about them excitedly, unaware that I was really sensitive when it comes to this matter. Everytime I heard anything about someone leading a happy life with people who love them I got insanely depressed and couldn't help but get tears in my eyes. When she noticed I was crying, she asked me what's wrong, and I just shook my hand. Then my mother came, she saw me crying, and made a scene. She started calling me the things she always does again, in front of her sister and her daughter, shouting so much I was sure the whole neighbourhood heard her. She said no one would ever want me if I kept that crybaby attitude. She said a bunch more hurtful things, it hurts too much to type them, and I decided I couldn't take it any longer. I thought to myself that I was going to be alone, die alone. And all I wanted to do right then was just die. I didn't want to face my mother, my father, anyone who's happy, the nothingness in my life anymore. I don't know what I was thinking, but right then I ran upstairs, up to the roof and tried jumping off. My act was stupid, I know, but I was feeling so miserable I could barely feel my heart beating. It had already stopped. They all rushed to me and pulled me back before it was too late, even though I tried to get away multiple of times. As a result, my mother made sure I stayed home for the following month.

    Ever since that day, I had completely lost my will to live. I haven't formed a smile since forever, and there's really no one that cares. No one. I've met a lot of people, tried making friends, but no one. Really, no one. Even the ones who made it seem like they cared made me think otherwise a few days afterwards. I feel ashamed to admit it, but, one of the main things that makes me feel so depressed is that I have yet to find a boyfriend. I've never been kissed, never been looked at by a guy. I'm not ugly, that's one that I can say for sure, I'm not that shy, not as much as I used to be, and I've met a lot of people through college but never really even gotten a real friend that really cares. They all start avoiding me after a while. It's like I'm invisible, I don't exist. I talk but no one listens. They talk over my words as if my voice can't reach. I have so much, so much to give but it probably will all stay inside me until the end.

    And I can't stand people's happiness. I just can't. Just the other night I
    was staying at my ''friend's'' house, and she would ignore me most of the time, because she was too busy making phone calls and talking to her load of friends excitedly. She spent the entire time completely forgetting I was there and talked to her friends about the amazing date she had with Mr. Perfect. In detail, too...She only remembered I was there when I kindly asked her if she could speak a bit less loud so I could fall asleep. She talked for some more, what seemed like forever, and when she finally stopped talking and lowered the lights and started txting. I know most of you will probably think I'm a crybaby or stupid, but I felt miserable again. All the bad memories came rushing back to me and I realized I was 20 years old, never had a boyfriend, and never will. I had parents who ignored my existance, friends who didn't even remember my birthday, and almost no money in my pocket. I was a failure. I was actually feeling so sick of everything, so miserable and depressed I immediately ran to the bathroom and started throwing up. I didn't sleep at all, and my friend just asked if I was okay, and when I said no she said ''Oh, okay, maybe you should go home''. I wanted to open to her finally, and I asked her ''Would you feel bad if I died'', and she mumbled something like ''Get some sleep, you're not going to die.'' and fell back to sleep. When I was back home, I cut myself. I had stopped cutting for two years but I did again. I cut myself badly, on my wrists, my legs..I just wanted to close my eyes and disappear. I had nothing to do with my life. I was one of the people who are so insignificant no one would ever care about them more than it takes them to after a while. I would never find someone to love me. I know I never will.

    I just..want out...It hurts me so badly it even hurts to breathe. Breathing is painful. Maybe I was never meant to live. I'm getting more close to suicide each day...I'm afraid I will do it one of these days..I desperately need someone to care, someone who'll love me for I am and not for someone I'll turn into. I'm really fading and I don't think I'll stay for too long...Not when it hurts too much...
  2. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF hun :hug:

    I heard everything you have just said. And although I can't know the pain you feel right now, I'm sure I've felt similar to how you feel. Shit. Useless. Etc. But it's ok yeh? You're still here. They pulled you back. It shows they care at least a little doesn't it?

    Hang on in there hun :please:

    We're here for you, I'm here for you. If you need to chat more or anything. Don't give in hun. Stay strong :hug:
  3. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    that is a terrible series of incidents, some of which i can relate to. its hard to be happy with all that hanging over you. i know that it feels pointless existing, but you are alive which means you have a reason to live, somewhere. dont give up. i hope you will make some good friends here. pm me if you need to talk. sometimes a guys perspective can be helpful. :hug:
  4. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    Thank you guys. I wish it were that easy to keep on hoping and go on, but it's not. It's getting tougher everyday. I can't even sleep anymore. I get about 2 hours of sleep, and just a bit ago I felt sick in the stomach again. The only thing that's keeping me alive is the hope of things turning slightly better, but, no...I've been waiting for far too long, honestly...9 years...
  5. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    9 years is a long time but you have the rest of your life ahead of you. and while it seems unbearable remember that everyday is your day, so take it one day at a time. itll soon fly by. good times will compensate for the bad. (hopefully, so fingers crossed) :)
  6. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    What Rob said basically. 9 years. Yeh, it is a long time. But compared to the rest of your life? It's nothing. Just take one day at a time. Hour. Minute. Live for the good moments, even if they be small and fleeting. And hold onto those moments. When it gets hard, remember them.

    Life can and will get better. You just got to give it that little bit longer. Come here when it gets hard, talk to us.

    Take care hun :hug:
  7. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    I wish I could actually believe that it's all going to be okay eventually. But I'm losing hope, all hope..And there isn't much left..I don't think I'll be here for too long..
  8. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    :( when i first came to this site i was planning to end it. i couldnt take anymore. things are getting worse but im still here because when i dont think i can hold on, theres somebody to say "just try." please dont give up. even if you give up on us dont give up on yourself.
  9. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    Same here. I came here because I was ready to give up. This place has given me hope when all else has failed. Just stick around a little longer. There will always be someone here to help you, listen, tell you to fight one more day. :please: hun. :hugs:
  10. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    Thank you everyone for your replies.

    I'll be trying my best to keep on waiting, no matter how painful the process is. I'm about 99% sure nothing is going to get better, but since I've waited for 9 years...maybe I can wait just a bit more.

    It's getting harder everyday. Last night I managed 4 hours of sleep thankfully. I got screamed at at work again, and I also got ignored by my friends again. I guess I shouldn't even call them friends anymore..They're not really, I just like to think they are...
  11. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you've chosen to stick around for a bit hun :hug:

    Sorry you had a shit day though :(

    PM me if you wanna chat anytime hun
  12. killaunloved

    killaunloved Member

    I know how it a 20 year old male and I find myself to actually be pretty attractive. But I too have yet to have a girlfriend which I want more than anything. I have no friends, no money, no one to trust, no one to call, no one that cares, nothing. I try and try to find people to hang out with or to call friends. But no one ever gives me a chance. Ive hung out with maybe 3 people each person individually 1 time in the last year. I have also been unable to get a job and just been sitting at home all day with nothing to do just happy because my parents are home to yell at me. Ill start working out a lot taking vitamins, brushing my teeth a lot, whitening my teeth a lot, corresponding through myspace and facebook trying to find someway of having a friend and I will start to gain hope. Then just like that my hope is taken away from me. I mean just recently i thought god was finally shedding some light on my life. I met a girl through myspace and she was the most beautiful girl i have ever seen. I was really nervous with her and I felt very intimidated since I have been alone for a long time and she was very gorgeous and had a lot of friends and the perfect life. I thought I did okay and come to find out she blocked me on AIM and never answers her phone. So now im alone again with nothing. Im so bored sometimes i just chainsmoke. For the first time yesterday its really embarassing I mean if u saw me you would be like wow. Im this muscular completely straight dude thats attractive...and Ive started to make imaginary friends at 20 years old. Just like a little kid. I dont talk to them or think they are real or anything but I actually really pretend that a woman is with me everynight. I close my eyes and picture her next to me and hug a pillow. And when im in a room i pretend i have friends with me. It really has made me feel secure and I think i will keep doing it. I wish I was fat and ugly so I could have an excuse. But im nice smart and attractive and I cant get anything or anyone to even talk to me. It seems like everyone is paid off to ignore me. I dont know i try so hard, i dont try at all , i try different personalities , i try to be myself...nothing every works im always left by myself in a household with my parents that pretend to care about me. A girl awhile back hung out with me everynight and she wasnt very attractive and I took her for granted. Now i wish i could go back to that time and know that she would be the only person in my life for a long time to come. I would have went back and been a saint to her.

    I too have never had a real kiss with a girl who was into me. When i was younger I was soo extremely shy that a few girls pitied me. They actually made out wtih me and pretended to be my girlfriend but I knew they were with other guys and I knew what was going on but i ended it. If i was smart back then I would have acted like i didnt know and milked it for what it was worth. Even in 8th grade the girl I LIKE THE MOST gave me a chance. She said she loved me and that i just needed to take her out socially and she would be my girlfriend. I couldnt gather up the courage do to my social anxiety and I never got the chance. I think about these things every night before I go to sleep.
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