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Maybe I want to, maybe I don't. ACK!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Makatak, Jul 22, 2007.

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  1. Makatak

    Makatak Guest

    Ok, so for the past 3 weeks I have cycled between hopelessly lazy/bored, irritable, and depressed. Back and forth. This seemed to happen in 3 year intervals. Now I think it happens every year. I sort of lose interest in everything and dwell on every little thing in life that makes me less fortunate or not normal compared to others (but then again, I guess nobody is really 'normal'). Rational judgement tells me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But if a problem is intermittent, always creeping back up once in a while, is it really temporary?

    After contemplating suicide off and on, and then constantly, I was convinced that I came up with a perfect plan/method to off myself. And all the steps I would take to do it. But as some of you may know, contemplating suicide and actually doing it are two very different things. And all methods have some probability of failure, which usually leads to utterly undesirable consequences.

    If I were to fail it, and suffer severe bodily harm, well...not only would my life change forever, but I would be even more scared of attempting it again, I bet. And be more miserable, and...I don't need to stress any further how bad my situation could be.

    If I failed, and DIDN'T suffer severe bodily harm, I would still have a very hard time moving on with a sound piece of mind. The realization that I really attempted to do it would probably keep haunting me and making me feel humiliated with myself. Just a guess, of course.

    If I decided to keep living anyways, I would feel like I was only procrastinating against that which is inevitable.

    And I am waaaay too shy to talk about this to anyone IRL. Because nobody even has the slightest clue that anything is wrong with me. I'm very introverted and laid back anyways. And I never talk to anyone about anything. So it would feel awkward to start now.

    But nomatter what choice I make, this will not feel like an easy venture. Period. That's what is truly frustrating and inescapable.
  2. Dream

    Dream Member

    Maybe you experience extremely long periods of ups and downs, caused by some bi-polar depressive nature. Nah, I'm just kidding.

    Some of the quietest people you see are probably the funniest and loudest people around with their friends. And even the people who make it seem like life couldn't get any better, really hate how their shit is going. Everybody copes differently, I suppose.

    As for fear of suicide not working out, well, I guess in the end it's a decision none of us really wanted to turn too. If I had something to keep me from feeling this way I'd take it, but there is nothing so whatever I guess. I'm not exactly going to tell you how to kill yourself but there is one stop methods on how to, I doubt you would survive a gun shot to the head. People overdose and cut their wrists, and stuff like that, which gives them a chance of messing up and putting themselves at a very bad state. Death is something to fear I suppose, it's just another unsolved question that life provides us with. Animals don't fear death I suppose, but since we are so intelligent and ponder on these unsolved things in life, that's just the way it is.

    Can you tell me anything that is effecting you personally so I can try to make something of it? I try. Much love for you.
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