Ok, so for the past 3 weeks I have cycled between hopelessly lazy/bored, irritable, and depressed. Back and forth. This seemed to happen in 3 year intervals. Now I think it happens every year. I sort of lose interest in everything and dwell on every little thing in life that makes me less fortunate or not normal compared to others (but then again, I guess nobody is really 'normal'). Rational judgement tells me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But if a problem is intermittent, always creeping back up once in a while, is it really temporary? After contemplating suicide off and on, and then constantly, I was convinced that I came up with a perfect plan/method to off myself. And all the steps I would take to do it. But as some of you may know, contemplating suicide and actually doing it are two very different things. And all methods have some probability of failure, which usually leads to utterly undesirable consequences. If I were to fail it, and suffer severe bodily harm, well...not only would my life change forever, but I would be even more scared of attempting it again, I bet. And be more miserable, and...I don't need to stress any further how bad my situation could be. If I failed, and DIDN'T suffer severe bodily harm, I would still have a very hard time moving on with a sound piece of mind. The realization that I really attempted to do it would probably keep haunting me and making me feel humiliated with myself. Just a guess, of course. If I decided to keep living anyways, I would feel like I was only procrastinating against that which is inevitable. And I am waaaay too shy to talk about this to anyone IRL. Because nobody even has the slightest clue that anything is wrong with me. I'm very introverted and laid back anyways. And I never talk to anyone about anything. So it would feel awkward to start now. But nomatter what choice I make, this will not feel like an easy venture. Period. That's what is truly frustrating and inescapable.