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Maybe I'm just not meant to live.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Hanging_Hope, Sep 5, 2009.

  1. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    I hate myself right now. I've always hated myself, but now I hate myself even more. Because of what I am and what I will never be.

    Here I am, to the point where I thought my life would change to the better and it proved me otherwise. When I came here I had at least a bit of hope things would get better, that I would start a new life. Instead, I'm treated like someone who has a mental problem and has escaped from an asylum. I thought I could trust my aunt and cousin, but they have been gossiping about me behind my back. They're both hypocrits. Who knows what sort of lies my mother has told them about me.

    Last night my cousin suggested we have dinner outside with her boyfriend. I was positive about it all until I learned who her new boyfriend was. He's her ex best friend, the one I had feelings for last time I came here. I had told her about how I felt, I remember it as if it were yesterday. And now she just had to rub the fact that they're now together to my face. And expected me to be all happy about it. I had to watch them kissing and cuddling for what seemed like decades. I excused myself to the bathroom several times just to cry my eyes out. And then I told them that my stomach had started hurting so I took a taxi and went back home...

    I haven't really eaten anything other one bowl of cereal for two days. One of the first things my aunt told me when she saw me was that I've gotten a bit chubby. And now her words influenced my stupid self enough to actually refuse to eat just about anything. Even when I tried eating at the restaurant earlier, I couldn't. And I don't want to. Maybe if I die of starvation, it will be for the better since all of my attempts have failed so far. No one will care anyway.

    Today I also learned my dad is expecting yet another child with his new wife. He has forgotten that I'm his daughter too, I haven't heard of him for about 5 months. He didn't even come when I was in the hospital. He just doesn't care. Nor does mom, or my aunt, or my cousin, or anyone. They're all true facts I'll have to learn to live with.

    I want to be happy, and it hurts. People say it'll all get better and things will change but I've waited 9 whole years. I made so many dreams when I was a child but now they seem wasted. I have no one. The only person that was really there for me just had to die. Maybe I'm just not meant to live. Maybe I should accept it and say goodbye to my wasted dreams. Maybe I should stop being so melodramatic like people tell me. But they don't know, nor do they understand. The people I know haven't been bullied for all of their lives, they haven't been treated like trash by their parents, they haven't been abandoned and thrown away, they haven't seen their best friend dying. The people I know have families to turn to when they're lonely, they've got friends, partners. It all seems out of reach from me.

    I never wished for anything impossible, all I ever wanted was a normal life. But even something that simple seems impossible right now.

    I just don't know anymore. I keep wishing that when I'll close my eyes I'll just stop existing. I prefer nothingness to pain. I prefer hell to this hell.

    I really hope I'll get sick enough to stop exisiting. I at least won't have to try. I'm honestly tired and I want to give up...I'm weak and undeserving. I wasn't meant to live, I wish my mother would have gone through that abortion she regrets she didn't get. I wish something happened during my time of birth and I just died then. I regret living and feeling this way. I wish I could at least bring my friend to life and die instead. He deserves living much more than I'll ever do..
  2. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I am so sorry you are feeling this awful!

    Is there a therapist you are seeing? Sometimes a connection to someone not involved in the pain can help you get through it.

  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    This is certainly more than anyone can process in just a short period. I understand why you are feeling this way. But most of us have experienced something similar and pain of various types.

    Many of us here have been in therapy and still are so we are curious if you have tried threrapy. It doesn't mean you are a mental patient. Just someone to talk to and try and sort out these very important issues.

    Please continued to talk with us. What is it that you think you are and will never be? Feel free to send me a pm if you wish.

  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes i understand and you are strong to come this far. I hope by coming here you can see there are people who care and do understand your pain. Many of us have felt this pain of rejection abandonment it hurts alot. Please know you are not alone anymore we support each other here. I hope you will retry therapy and meds as they do help really take the edge off the pain.. Glad your here and yes you are meant to live so you can help others understand. take care
  5. candiz

    candiz Active Member

    As I read your post I felt your pain, you're not alone in this world.