maybe I'm just silly

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Burn, Sep 14, 2006.

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  1. Burn

    Burn New Member

    Firstly hello to everyone.

    I’ve never ever been on these sites, I just usually deal with things in my own way, but things seem so much harder now. Let me start from the beginning. When I was 14 I didn’t have any friends really, I just moved schools. I started to cut myself with the kitchen knife because things just seemed to get on top of me, these cuts were very thin so not anywhere near enough to actually kill me, only enough to bleed. which seemed to let all the stress I was under go away some how. I don’t know how it just did. I felt so much better after this I then met some friends and stopped cutting myself. I have never told anyone about that.

    Now I’m 23 I’ll be 24 in November. I was born with a condition called CF (cystic fibrosis) which has a life expectancy of 31 I have to take loads of tablets to keep me well and alive here’s some of them:

    Creon 25000 (As need with food)

    ADEKs (Two once a day)

    Ursodeoxycholic Acid (250mg) (Two twice a day)

    Omeprazole (20mg) (One twice a day)

    Propranolol (10mg) (One a day)

    Seretide 500 (Two puffs twice a day)

    Salamol Easi Breath CFC-Free (As needed)

    Nasonex Aqueous Nasal Spray (As needed)

    Acetylcysteine Granulatbeutel (200mg) (As needed)

    Flucloxacillin (500mg) (Two four Times a day)

    Ciprofloxacin (750mg) (One Twice a day)

    Spironolactone (25mg)

    I also take nebulizer to help me breath

    Pulmozyme (2.5mg) (2.5ml) (One once a day)

    Salbutamol Nebulizer Solution (5mg) (2.5ml)

    Tobi 300mg 5ml Nebuliser solution Tobramycin (One twice a day one month on one month off)

    In the last 5 months I have developed Diabetes due to my CF which they call (CFRD) cystic fibrosis related diabetes. Unlike normal diabetes where you have to watch what you eat, a person with CF can eat what they like, this is because if they don’t, they will loose weight very fast. In this case a CF person will just take as much insulin as needed for that meal or snack. In the past month my liver has been leaking and I looked like a beach whale and weighing around 11 stone, so they put a tube in and drain a little they couldn’t take it all out because it would have made my blood pressure drop to low so they gave me a tablet (Spironolactone) to help me just pee it out, this is just another tablet I will have to take for the rest of my life. I now weigh 8,6 stone I’m normally 9 1/2 I have now been told my liver is giving up and I have an assessment on the 13 October for a liver transplant this is all getting me down. You think that would me enough for one person. I also have oesophageal varices in my stomach and asophocus they have burst a couple of time and my dad has found me laying in my own blood I’ve lost 3 pints of blood twice, I’m not sure how much the other times were. sometimes I think one time it will be to much and sometimes I hope it is.

    I know I’m getting worse the chest the bleeding all of it. Sometimes I wish it would end. I’ve tried injecting lots of insulin but then when my sugar level drops to 2.3 I just couldn’t deal with the shaking sweating and confusion so I had to eat something sweet. I wish I had the guts to kill myself but it’s hard. Maybe one day soon I will. I’m tired and always ill I just want it to stop. sometimes I think it would be easier to just stop living and end it all, sometimes it really scares me. My brother died in a car crash when I was 18 he didn’t have CF. I’ve been thinking more and more about ways I could do it, just quick and painless I’m not sure I’ll have the guts to do it yet, but I’m not sure if one day I will. I don’t talk to people about this ever, I don’t like making people upset. Because of my illness I don’t have many friends sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I’m fine and happy but the bad times out weigh the good. I really am scared that one day I will do something silly.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2006
  2. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    I don't think you're being silly at all. It sounds like you have it very rough. I can't say I understand fully because I have never gone through what you have but I do know how hard it is to have major health issues. It's discouraging and it feels hopeless. I hope you can see how strong you really are though, you've made it this far and you're still going. Obviously you have a lot of character to be able to make it this far and to reach out for help here when you need it. I know you must be tired of fighting for your health and fighting the loneliness that comes with chronic illness. I really think you have something to offer this world and I hope you don't give up.

    Have you looked into support groups for CF? Even online. It may help to get to know others who are dealing with the same issues. Who knows your own story might help someone else who is dealing with CF.

    Good luck and best wishes,

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