This probably isnt the place for this as im sure my problems arent as significant as others, so i wont be surprised if this is blocked or locked or deleted tomorrow. I want it out though. Lately it has been a steady stream of losses. From both my family's side and my friendship side. Me and my father had a huge falling out about 2 years ago and since then is when i think all this has started really crumbling on me. Ive tryed making it better and tryed to talk him, knowing that if ihad my father back i might be better, but his only response was "Why the F' do you think i care about you" followed by a banter of his hate. I have always been abused in one way shape or form my whole life. My first step father is in prison for it, my second one should be, and my third one while no doesnt do it now was close to doing it when we first met.. I think i reall respect him for stopping and i love him for it. Some people go nuts from it and shoot people from clock towers, other blame their abusers for all their mistakes for the rest of their lives. Me, for some reason it gave me a compassion like no other. Its given me a love for my fellow man i rarely see in others. Its given me a trust that is quickly turning into a curse. Its given me a peace that has slowly been melted into a hell. lately ive been trusting somany people.. been giving my heart away like i always do. But lately instead of like before when the losses would come slowly and steady they are now coming quickly and painfully. Ive lost over 10 people i considered a friend or a loved one in the last month, and not becasue of my mistakes (granted i have made them and out of the 10, 2 were my fault) but because they just couldnt handle my honesty and kindness. they couldnt believe it. A couple years ago i believe it was just them, that if they couldnt handle me then they didnt need to be my friend. Now though, i realise it is not them it is me. No one wants me here. My family probably wouldnt remember me for long, the friends i do have would probably say a little RIP and push me outta their minds, and there is no one who loves me. I have been thinking about killing myself. I have a plan. I want to take a bunch of sleeping pills like ambien and just not wake up. That way when they find me, if they do, there will be no mess. No blood. All they would have to do is move the body and done. I know what is probably going through your minds, 'ohh he lost a couple friends.. what a wuss'. but really the other contributing factor is the fact that i am a member of my nations military. I am a Chaplains Assistant in that military. I spend alot of my time helping others with their more complicated more significant problems. I spend alot of time listening and feeling. I spend alot of time feeling other peoples pain and surrow. I spend alot of time absorbing it.. because more often then not.. i cant help them. I jsut dont think anyone spends any time on my feelings. I understand though no one wants too. Im just here for their support. Its ok if im gone because someone will come and fill my place by the end of the month. Edit: its the loneliness thats killing me. There isnt anyone here to hug me and say its all ok. There isnt anyone here that isnt professional that i have to talk to anyway. There just isnt anyone here. Im sorry if this was long.. but to be honest this doesnt even come close to conveying even half my feeligns right now. Doesnt come close to revealing all of my problems. Just whats on the top of it right now.. Just whats pushing me into the sea.