Maybe it's the opposite...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Terra, Jul 1, 2010.

  1. Terra

    Terra Well-Known Member

    I've been thinking alot, and I just can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me. Why should I have thougts of ending it when I'm normally so happy. The thing is, I think I might be in denial, I've constantly been in the same mood for over 5years now. I can jump up and down all day and smile to every passer by, the more I think that I might just hide myself behind a happy feeling makes me abit depressed, and then I automaticaly go back to happy mode, singing something or just play around with my dog. I got really mentally "raped" when i was 14 (He said we had done it, but that I was alseep, and he kept asking me if I wasn't pregnant because I gained some weight), I never told anyone and still act all smily and happy around him. Somethimes I forget what he said also. The reason i keep meeting him is because he secretly married my mom, they didn't tell me before two years later, and then i had already known for one and a half year, since they told my sister and she told me.

    My father, wich I currently live with, have abit of a alchoholic issue, he won't get violent or anything, but it's really nasty when everything smells beer and tobacco, and he'll blame me for everything he broke or spilled on when he was drunk. He also yells alot, if I don't wash the clothes properly, or anything else in the house for that matter. Yet I haven't cried since I was 13, and then i tried my best to hide it since I got picked on by my sis and (now) step-sis for always crying so easily. And even if I'm yelled at I'll just smile and try not to provoke anyone. So ye, kinda trying to figure out why I "hide"... can't see anyone proffesional though, tried it once, but only kept smiling and all we ended up having was tea-talk. I don't want to be an un-emotive cold thing anymore, but I absolutely won't open in real life either. gah.. nvm
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I have been raped while under the influence of drugs, and I have to say that the next day I knew that someone had sex with me. You know your body, if it were true you would have felt it. He is just toying with your mind,as you said "mind rape," why? Beats me, but I would not give anything he said any consideration. I would steer clear of being alone with someone like that. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that one day you can open up to someone. Blessings..
  3. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    I don't know much about forcing emotion. It does sound like your repressing yourself, perhaps it's a sub-conscious defense mechanism.

    I don't really know how to help. Maybe you could trying forcing yourself to cry, just one. Not really cry over your problems if that's too difficult, but think about or see something that's sad?

    Ulgh, this isn't good advice, I know. I had a similar, though not as bad problem myself. I wasn't able to cry for a long time, I think through most of my childhood. But I never managed to fool myself into thinking I was happy. I just didn't cry (my dad made me believe that it was a weakness. It's still hard for me to show emotions).