Maybe It's Time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gxblu44, May 14, 2012.

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  1. gxblu44

    gxblu44 Member

    My deep secret of wanting to dead for so long. Actually in a lot of ways I've been dead already for a long time. Finally decided to post because I was going to start writing my Suicide Note but did this instead. Notebook is right here. But there's always tomorrow. I'll still want to die tomorrow.

    I've told others about this. None that can offer any understanding because I guess I really am in a place that not everybody is familiar with.
    I've got 10 years in the rooms of AA, 2 years continuous sobriety. Helps when you don't want to drink, but stops short where I need it most. They make promises there.. but I haven't experienced them. I no longer believe them. I've had a Spiritual Awakening and it truly has been a long horrible one. Not sure why I keep going back. There was a time when I identified with them, but I've continued to suffer horribly while nodding and agreeing with them. Done the steps. Numerous times. Sponsored, had a sponsor, Higher Power... well Suicidal Obsession has become my Higher Power.
    So many places in my life Im ashamed of, angry, pessimistic because depression is on the verge of swallowing everything of my life. Careers, relationships, love, accomplishments, degrees, clearances-
    Then, there's the fucking medications. I'm coming off of the 10th fucking one now. And it fucking sucks. The withdrawals always do. SSRI's, SNRI's, TriCyclics, amphetamines, alcohol. Side effects or they just don't work. The last one I was have an allergic reaction to having difficulty breathing. Should have gone to the ER because thats' in the "SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY" category. To bad I was willing to take on the chance I would die. Guess that's why I'm here. At least that would be easier on the family I guess
    I believe in God. I think he is cruel and malicious beyond imagination. I do have some good days, but I pay a horrible price for them.
    I have stuck it out this long because if I take myself out... I just can't do it to my family. But Im getting to the point where I just want it over. It's been my whole life. I want it over.
    Just don't tell me "It Gets Better" or "You Have So Much To Live For", or the dreaded "PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM". It is a PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A PERMANENT PROBLEM.
    So far I just keep thinking about doing it. That and "The Day That Never Comes" by Metallica.
    Thanks. Hope you all are doing better than I am.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and glad you did decide to come is clique to say, 'I've been where you are", done the rooms, did the therapy, and the pills, looked for G-d, looked for salvation, and then one day, and I truly dont know why, I started looking for me...cannot say this has been an easy sick just as I was finding someone resembling a me, but I hold on tight to people who care, and I am surprised that ppl in cyber can be so meaningful...all of this to say, if you want to connect with another warrior (really a marshmellow most of the time), please PM me...and of course, keep will be surprised how many good people are here...welcome again

    PS..found out last week that HH Dali Lama eats meat...we are so imperfect!
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun dam struggle of living i get that I do hope you stay here awhile ok It makes struggle less when you have people who understand and care hugs
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I will say suicide isnt the solution and yes depression takes its toll.You are going to have real down days thats the nature of the beast but learning how to cope and deal with it does make life more easier and bearable.To work on becoming stronger within oneself is a good step and to be honest life will throw a shit load of challenges at you as if it were a perfect run it would be boring.Talking and venting and learning coping with down days is a better way than being obsessed with dying and takes the same amount of energy or less as suicide thoughts will drain the crap out of you.Use this forum also as you will find support and people who understand.take Care
  5. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you have suffered like this in life and continue to do so. I wish I could help you with something more than words. I also dislike the 'permanent solution to temporary problem' as some things in life are indeed permanent. But sometimes they are not so it does have its uses I guess.

    Things are going to be magnified right now including your suicidal thoughts because of your withdrawal. Try to stick it out and get past it and you may regain some of the strength back that has kept you going this far.

    I hope you can continue to fight this fight. Keep talking here. Talk to sadeyes. Just keep getting this stuff out of your head okay.

    Take care of yourself.
  6. gxblu44

    gxblu44 Member

    Thanks all for your replies. I've missed the feeling of being around people that understand. I've been so full of ego and pride to want to reach out, and not to mention the feeling of being ashamed. I'll be reaching out, I don't feel hope- but I'm try to see those little things I can look forward to everyday.
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