My deep secret of wanting to dead for so long. Actually in a lot of ways I've been dead already for a long time. Finally decided to post because I was going to start writing my Suicide Note but did this instead. Notebook is right here. But there's always tomorrow. I'll still want to die tomorrow. I've told others about this. None that can offer any understanding because I guess I really am in a place that not everybody is familiar with. I've got 10 years in the rooms of AA, 2 years continuous sobriety. Helps when you don't want to drink, but stops short where I need it most. They make promises there.. but I haven't experienced them. I no longer believe them. I've had a Spiritual Awakening and it truly has been a long horrible one. Not sure why I keep going back. There was a time when I identified with them, but I've continued to suffer horribly while nodding and agreeing with them. Done the steps. Numerous times. Sponsored, had a sponsor, Higher Power... well Suicidal Obsession has become my Higher Power. So many places in my life Im ashamed of, angry, pessimistic because depression is on the verge of swallowing everything of my life. Careers, relationships, love, accomplishments, degrees, clearances- Then, there's the fucking medications. I'm coming off of the 10th fucking one now. And it fucking sucks. The withdrawals always do. SSRI's, SNRI's, TriCyclics, amphetamines, alcohol. Side effects or they just don't work. The last one I was have an allergic reaction to having difficulty breathing. Should have gone to the ER because thats' in the "SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY" category. To bad I was willing to take on the chance I would die. Guess that's why I'm here. At least that would be easier on the family I guess I believe in God. I think he is cruel and malicious beyond imagination. I do have some good days, but I pay a horrible price for them. I have stuck it out this long because if I take myself out... I just can't do it to my family. But Im getting to the point where I just want it over. It's been my whole life. I want it over. Just don't tell me "It Gets Better" or "You Have So Much To Live For", or the dreaded "PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM". It is a PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A PERMANENT PROBLEM. So far I just keep thinking about doing it. That and "The Day That Never Comes" by Metallica. Thanks. Hope you all are doing better than I am.