there isn't some automatic right to live, is there? just because someone exists -- an accident of science and nothing more -- doesn't mean that continued existence is good or right. for example, it is clear to me that i should not "be." i really never should have in the first place. i have recently, for the very first time, recognized that i have absolutely no purpose. i have existed all this time by merely going through the motions -- life has just "happened" for me, from birth until now, i have not actively participated. i have no goals, no ambitions, nothing about which i am passionate. i proceed from one thing to the next, doing the minimum and ultimately, achieving nothing. what kind of "life" is that? i am just an extra in the movie of life. if i were never born, if i ceased to be right now, nothing would be changed . . . not for the worse, at least. lots of things would be better, actually -- in the course of moving through the scenes of my life, i have managed to fuck up everything important; everyone who actually does contribute and does matter who i have come into contact with is worse off for knowing me. and this is not something i can change. i cannot suddenly begin to care about people and things and life; i cannot "grow" a passion, and i cannot become a meaningful or important person. the truth of the matter is that i simply do not care enough. if i did, i would have found meaning decades ago -- i would have had goals and plans and i would have worked to achieve them as best i could. two weeks ago, someone asked me what i wanted to do if i could do anything, what would make me happy. i have come to realize after a lot of reflection that i have absolutely no answer to that question. and even worse, there has never been a time in my life when i could have honestly answered it -- i have never cared about anything or anyone enough to actually "live." with this realization, then, what is the point of continuing? why should i go on doing things that do not matter to me, knowing all the while that my on-going existence makes life worse for people who matter, people i want to achieve and succeed -- people i care about as much as i can care about anything in my selfish existence.