Maybe the criticism will stop when I'm dead.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ImStillHere, Aug 16, 2012.

  1. ImStillHere

    ImStillHere Member

    I am at the end of my rope and just need somewhere to express myself.... I don't have anyone close to me that I can talk to, in fact the people closest to me are the ones that make me feel the worst. Maybe no one will read my drivel, but maybe I will feel some kind of relief writing it.

    I wish I was dead.... I'm pretty sure I'm too chicken to kill myself, but it doesn't stop me wishing that one day I would just wake up dead. About five years ago I was in a relatively serious car accident, though not severely injured, psychologically it took me a long time to move on. I was devastated that I didn't die. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't kill myself when I was first suicidal at 10 years old. I'm in my 30's now and frankly life is not any better...

    My whole life I've been told about all the potential I have and how I waste it. I have so much anxiety and self loathing it is paralyzing. Not only have I failed at becoming anything significant, I've even failed at achieving the most basic normal things in life. I'm an unemployable basket case. I am trapped living with my mother, I can't get myself together long enough to escape. My days are filled with constant criticism... No matter how hard I try nothing is ever perfect enough and I need to be continually corrected.... It gets to the point where all people say to me in a day is what I've gotten wrong. I look to people to try to help me, I'm feeling desperate, and somehow my weakness triggers viciousness. Its like I live in the wild and they try to "pack" me and cull the weakest member... The people in my life are all passive aggressive, and though I try to talk through things with them them just want to bottle and stew. Then eventually come the horrifying explosions when what they really think of me comes spewing out. There are no words for how painful this is from those closest.

    Yes, I'm pathetic.... I am disgusted by myself and try to hide the truth from people I meet...

    In my early 20's I stopped drinking as I had some serious substance abuse problems... I've wondered if I should take it up again, but even alcohol and pain killers don't hold much appeal. (Which is saying something as that's always been my first love!!)

    I'm disgusting and no one could ever love me... I hate myself and wish I could just will myself out of existence. There is no point in even trying to kill myself because I know I couldn't even do that right.

    Unfortunately I have some responsibilities... Else I would love to walk away from my life... Though, I have no where to go and no one to go to. And I'm such a hopeless failure I couldn't even support myself alone....

    I sit awake at night wishing someone would break into the house and come shoot me in the face. I don't care if anyone would miss me or not. Its easy to say how much you loved someone when they are dead and you don't have to put up with them.

    Yes. I am medicated, seriously. Yes, I have a psychiatrist. Now don't laugh, but he makes me feel like I am crazy. That its all in my head and I just need to suck it up. Maybe.... But I feel so hopeless and powerless I can't even think of where I could begin. I think it is my medication that has stopped me killing myself, and its why I just wish I was dead rather than being suicidal in a practical way. I won't stop taking it so I could try to kill myself, as I said above, I'm so incompetent that a suicide attempt could end very badly and I'd be even worse off...

    I'd happily volunteer to die in some tragic accident if a good, worthwhile person would be spared.

    Even in an anonymous medium like this I am so ashamed at how powerless and pathetic some aspects of my life are I can't admit to them....

    I just can't take the criticism anymore.... This evening I tried to stand up for myself. I can't even remember another time I have done that. And it just ended in horrifying viciousness, from my mother of all people....

    My years in high school were full of outrageous substance abuse and self harm, bullying, confusion and all manner of incredibly risky things. Its a wonder I survived, that I didn't kill myself by accident or on purpose. And yet I remember it fondly and wish I could go back, it was the best time of my life. Especially the self harm and very cruel boyfriend are the things I miss most. (not being sarcastic either) Because things just got worse..... I wish I could rekindle my love affair with alcohol and opiates, but something has broken inside of me and they no longer call to me.

    I'm too scared to enter into a relationship. In part because I think I'm too disgusting for anyone.... But also because I know that (ironically) is I want someone very cruel who will hurt me and demean me <sigh> Yes, I am that messed up. It horrifies me, that that is a thought that makes me feel a little happy. I'm such a masochist I'm a danger to myself....

    I'm so sorry for feeling compelled to write this here. I just feel so desperate I don't know where to reach because the people around me are the ones hurting me. My sister understands but I don't like to talk about it much to her, she has escaped and her life is on track and going so well I don't want to bring her down. I could talk forever about my stupid life and it won't get any better. I don't believe about talking about something over and over and never doing something about it. And since I feel powerless to change it, I don't talk about it.

    I used to be creative and artistic but the criticism in my life has pounded it out of me. I've tried but anything like that fills me with fear and anxiety now, its so unpleasant I no longer attempt it.

    Really, I need someone to slap me silly (I mean that seriously) There's not anyone in my life who could be bothered smacking me around, I'm just not worth the effort....
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and I am so sorry about how you are doing...is there a way to be less dependent upon what your family thinks/says? It sounds like there is a big foot stepping upon you as you are trying to crawl out of a hole? Also, is there a way to recruit your sister's help as she has achieved what you want? Since you see a pdoc is there someone s/he can recommend to provide additional guidance? What employement preparation do you have? Is there a way to get online education to increase the probability of being employed? Just a few thoughts, although I am sure you have considered most...welcome again and please continue to share with us
     
  3. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    Sadeyes is right and i think that your family are not helping you get any better. you have to somehow try ignore and become immune to any criticism anyone says about you and your life. sometimes i wonder what is worse, my anxiety and depression or the people i live with. any how i hope you stop being so hard on yourself. you can express yourself here and no one will criticize or judge you.
     
  4. ImStillHere

    ImStillHere Member

    Thank you so much for your replies. Its been such a long time since I've had anyone say such sensible things to me. I have been working on my degree, but it is slow progress. Generally I'm a bit of a basket case so I only tackle a couple of papers at a time, more than that puts me in overload :-( I am not a great "cope-er" I'm afraid. Last night my sister messaged me, she saw the huge blow out and was furious and sad for me. She offered for me to live with her and her partner in a month or so when she moves to her new place. I know that this was not an impulsive offer, she said they had been discussing it for some time. She said they really like me and find me awesome and fun... Frankly I find it hard to imagine. Its so embarrassing, I just feel like a burden to everyone around me :-( It doesn't help when I have a mother screaming at me that I'm a spoilt child and need to grow up and my father (who mum divorced when I was small, and is a raging narcicist) says I'm annoying and its like a holiday when I'm not around (but at the same time has no car and expects me to run around after him). When I was living with him I had some of the worst depression of my life (even worse than now) and all my thoughts were of just wanting it all to end. He would say how much he hated it when I was suicidal as it made me so irritating.....

    Suicide is a well accepted solution in my family. Sometimes I wished my brother would kill himself to end his suffering, he's even more of a mess than I am. He attempted once with pills, and I felt so sad for him it didn't work. Then he had the horrible aftermath of that.

    I feel so distrustful of anyone that says anything positive to me. I feel like they must be crazy or an incredibly poor judge of character. If they knew what I was really like they wouldn't like me either...

    I'm so sorry, to be such a whiner :-( I try so hard to have the happy face and never complain in life, I have no other outlet and am here in desperation to try to let some of this poison out. If its any compensation for the whining, I do feel a little better... Especially to read something positive, but not patronizing.
     
  5. ImStillHere

    ImStillHere Member

  6. ImStillHere

    ImStillHere Member

    Today I learnt what gaslighting means....
     
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You stopped drinking? Well done, that's quite an achievement.
    Do you think someone has been 'Gaslighting' you?
     
  8. ImStillHere

    ImStillHere Member

    Yes, unfortunately :-( A friend who witnessed a huge argument the other night sent me an article about gaslighting. I realise it is something that I have had coming at from from several directions my whole life. It can be very confusing, and makes it hard to trust my own feelings and thought. It is so true that a major symptom of it is constantly second guessing.

    I'm not quite sure what to do about it, but certainly forewarned is forearmed.