I went to my chiropractor this afternoon for a treatment on my shoulders as they are getting worst. Now it feels like its much worst than my spine now. Its pathetic, my shoulders are weaker than a little kid's. My doc say he is not sure if there is something he can do about this, I mean he may be able to ease the pain but there may be nothing he can do about the weakness of my shoulders because I am like a 'half cripple' now, my shoulders are so weak, I am not sure what kind of job I can do. My next appointment will be next Wednesday, he did something about my shoulders but by next week he will check again and tell me if there is anything I can do about it. Well, my shoulders used to be stronger, but its dying on me now. And I can't imagine what will it be like in a few years time if I live. Well, if my shoulder's problem can't be fixed, than there is no reason for me to hold on any longer. There is no way I will live like this forever. I got nothing left to lose. I am 23 and physically weak due to my spinal problems, I've got family, but I've got no love from them, I've got friends, none of them truly care or understands me, I have never been in love, and it looks like I never will, I am mentally disturbed, I don't get a good night's sleep anymore, my shoulders and neck are hurting me all the time, damn..I am sounding like I am a 100 years old. All of my memories are haunting and I can't fit into this world, in a way, I don't belong anywhere. I keep thinking about everything thats happened to me in life, and no matter how I think, I won't have anything to hope for. It seems like I am really better off dead, what else do I have to lose? Gosh, I should've been hit by a car or get killed back in 1994 when I ran away from home, if only I knew back then that I will feel these feelings today. I highly doubt something can be done with my shoulders, anyway, I am better off dead than to live forever like this. I have written some letters, at this point of my life, I am not sure about what will happen tomorrow, so I better be prepared. In a way, I don't matter to this world, and though my life was pretty damned all along, I've only started to feel suicidal two years ago, and I should've felt suicidal long before. Facing this world everyday is tormenting to me, even if its just another day for an ordinary person. I know enough of suffering to know that I can't take this anymore. Even if my shoulders can be fixed, I am not sure how long can I continue lying to myself that I have something to hope for.