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Maybe this time it will be over..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by expressive_child, Sep 7, 2007.

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  1. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    I went to my chiropractor this afternoon for a treatment on my shoulders as they are getting worst. Now it feels like its much worst than my spine now. Its pathetic, my shoulders are weaker than a little kid's. My doc say he is not sure if there is something he can do about this, I mean he may be able to ease the pain but there may be nothing he can do about the weakness of my shoulders because I am like a 'half cripple' now, my shoulders are so weak, I am not sure what kind of job I can do.

    My next appointment will be next Wednesday, he did something about my shoulders but by next week he will check again and tell me if there is anything I can do about it. Well, my shoulders used to be stronger, but its dying on me now. And I can't imagine what will it be like in a few years time if I live. Well, if my shoulder's problem can't be fixed, than there is no reason for me to hold on any longer. There is no way I will live like this forever.

    I got nothing left to lose. I am 23 and physically weak due to my spinal problems, I've got family, but I've got no love from them, I've got friends, none of them truly care or understands me, I have never been in love, and it looks like I never will, I am mentally disturbed, I don't get a good night's sleep anymore, my shoulders and neck are hurting me all the time, damn..I am sounding like I am a 100 years old.

    All of my memories are haunting and I can't fit into this world, in a way, I don't belong anywhere. I keep thinking about everything thats happened to me in life, and no matter how I think, I won't have anything to hope for. It seems like I am really better off dead, what else do I have to lose? Gosh, I should've been hit by a car or get killed back in 1994 when I ran away from home, if only I knew back then that I will feel these feelings today.

    I highly doubt something can be done with my shoulders, anyway, I am better off dead than to live forever like this. I have written some letters, at this point of my life, I am not sure about what will happen tomorrow, so I better be prepared. In a way, I don't matter to this world, and though my life was pretty damned all along, I've only started to feel suicidal two years ago, and I should've felt suicidal long before.

    Facing this world everyday is tormenting to me, even if its just another day for an ordinary person. I know enough of suffering to know that I can't take this anymore. Even if my shoulders can be fixed, I am not sure how long can I continue lying to myself that I have something to hope for.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    You don't know what the doctor is going to say on Wednesday. Technology these days is great and if your personal doctor can't do anything then I'm sure there's other things out there that can help. Maybe some alternative treatment or some sort of physiotherapy or a medication or herbal etc Don't give up. I can imagine how frustrating and painful it must be but wait it out.

    You've gone though a lot and you're still going through stuff but you're still here, you're a fighter. Keep fighting and take each day as it comes. I care about you, and I want you to know if you want a chat ANYTIME you are more than welcome to PM me. Take care of yourself. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2007
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