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Maybe X-Mas WILL be the right time for it....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Blanca, Dec 14, 2009.

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  1. Blanca

    Blanca Well-Known Member

    I DON'T wanna die.I really don't.I don't think much of dying.It doesn't scare me but neither is it tempting me....but I can't stand living anymore.I just wanna sleep and never wake up again.It;s the only way everything will go away.

    I DID FIGHT.For 30 years.I think I am almost done with fighting though.I am tired,I have no energy left,I don't see a way out.

    Therapy is not for me.Nor is medication,been there,done that.It's just not my thing and I don't trust it anymore.I had some hope left......I hoped there is still compassion,understanding and love out there.I was wrong.

    I always had and still have to deal with an abusive father,a cowardly mother.Things will never change and I can't leave home now,I have no job,no house,NOTHING because they tricked me into staying at home and helping them out.

    I was bulimic for 12 years,I fought that ALONE and I am okay now.
    I used to drink but I quit after 3 years.Alone.No help.I am okay now.
    I used to chew my nails.But stopped.Then I began to pull my eyebrows out.Tried to stop that but I still do it when I am stressed.

    I just can't fight everything.I've tried.

    I managed to change some things but the major problems still affect me,so no matter how hard I try to deal with the effects and consequences....it will never end........

    I thought maybe a relationship and a man who loves me will help me.....it's worse........I can't handle it........I am destroying everything...............

    I know how all these problems started and they all have one reason.One person.Whom I can't leave(not because I don't WANT to,because I can't afford it ) or get rid off.It will be either him or me,who gives up first..........and I am tired of fighting..........so tired...........and no one supports me......not my mom,not my partner,they don't have time for this......they have a life,they got a job..............I understand that..it still hurts though............

    So if they both love X-mas and pretend they love ME then why will I be completely alone X-mas days??Maybe that will be the time for me to say GOOD BYE.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    A few points of your post I can totally relate with as I have been there before and the feeling is absolutely horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You feel trapped in a situation you feel you can't get out of.

    You say one person started all this - am I right in saying, your abusive father? Please correct me if I'm wrong. If you can move away from your parents that will be a good start to feeling better within yourself.

    Is there any chance you could move in, or move away with, your partner? Do you have any friends or other relatives you could ask to stay with for a while?

    You've been in this situation for far too long and I'm guessing there's a fear behind with the thought of change, it can be scary for some. Sometimes we need to bite the bullet and work through the fear and you can come out of it the other side.

    Please keep reaching out. I'm sure, somewhere, there is a solution, and we will try our hardest to help you find it. Take care of yourself. :hug:
  3. Blanca

    Blanca Well-Known Member

    Yes,I was talking about my dad.....I moved away once but he still managed to control everything!I don't even know if moving out will solve it.Maybe moving out of town!!!

    Moving in with my partner is not a good idea for now.I don't have a job,I don't wanna be a burden and I am already destroying this relationship because of my other problems. :blub: he has been patient so far but I am making his life a living hell and mine as well.I don't trust him even if there is no reason not to.I want all his attention because I never had my dad's.I suffocate him!Dunno how much longer we can go on.....and it's all because of me......well,most of it............

    I am not afraid of change............but I don't have many real options now.....

    I don't have any REAL friends and all our relatives broke up relationships because of.........guess WHO!!!He just destroys EVERYTHING in his way,the coward,I hate him!

    The problem is.......until now I was SO SCARED of him!!!!
    Now I am angry and I yell and I am afraid we will get physical soon cause I can't stand him anymore!!!If he hits me I think I will hit back!Hard!

    I am so afraid of my mood swings and how aggressive I've become with everybody around me :blub:
  4. Blanca

    Blanca Well-Known Member

    Btw,he never hit me.....he only hit my mother,but the verbal abuse is WORSE.And he often threatens me..."I will hit you if........." it's worse,just do it,you coward,maybe I'll reply!I am so sick and tired of him,he only does it with us,the two women in his life.....he isolated us and made sure our other relationships will permanently be affected by his behaviour.

    What I hate most is....when I cry he has the guts to ask "Oh,did your boyfriend do something?"It's always someone else's fault,right?And my mom keeps saying "Just ignore him,he can't change".........excuses,excuses,denial..............I am sick of it...........
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Bullies are cowards, it's all about control and he is controlling you and your mother. Seems like money is a big problem here too, they say money doesn't solve anything but in your case it will help a lot. Are you working, or applying for work? In many places there's advisors you could talk to to help you get into work, or work based training. If you can't work perhaps you're entitled to benefits you're not getting, if you could talk to someone from citizens advice centre (not sure how things operate in your area), they can look at your income and help you. If you get money you can move out and get away from him.

    Have you tried talking to your father? Sometimes it's easier to write than to say face to face - perhaps a letter to explain how he makes you feel will be enough to slap him in the face and realise how much pain he is causing you. :hug:
  6. Blanca

    Blanca Well-Known Member

    Yes I can work and I am currently looking for work,but december is kind of a "dead" month,maybe something will come up in January.Anyway,this will be the first step and it will change many things.It will be a start for me.(At least I hope so)

    And trust me,I've tried everything with my father...it's just not working....and I am tired of trying,I was always the one making the first step,I am done.........he KNOWS exactly how much he hurt me and still does.But he always comes up with excuses and tries to make me&the rest of the world the guilty ones....well hell,how was it my fault when I was 3 years old and saw him pushing my mom down the stairs???I have no more pitty left for him....it's over....
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