maybe you could enlighten me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mystereo2099, Feb 5, 2009.

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  1. mystereo2099

    mystereo2099 Well-Known Member

    post here if you are suffering from suicidal feelings.... hmmmm

    so i've been wondering a lot lately, what's the point? Why are we here and what are we doing? I'm asking because I used to know, but it seems I forgot. This life used to be pleasant, used to be fun. When you're having fun, it all makes sense. But lately I've been rather low in spirits - for the past few years. It seemed I had it all, great house, great car, girlfriend, lots of friends etc etc etc - but then it seems I lost it all. It seems I simply lost sight of the point, and started getting down. When you start seriously thinking about your life, you realize that it's really all in your mind. Happiness, I'm talking about.

    In the past few years, I've become some depressed, shitty, angry, sad version of myself. In taking on this persona, I've pushed away all of my friends, told all my girlfriends to fuck off for no real reason, and alienated myself from the world. Now it seems I can't conduct myself well in public, my voice shakes, my outlook sucks, I hate my life, and have a tendency to run as far as I can from anything good in my life. Why? I used to be up all the time, stoked about my life, looking forward to each second as it unfolded - happy and blithe. What happened? Who is this thing I've become and why does it suck so much? It seemed I had happiness, then I lost it. Where'd it go? Happiness is one of the things that you can never find when you're looking for it. Now the only thoughts going through my head are "What the fuck, why am I here? Why does everything have to suck so much? Why am I always broke and down, why do I push people away and why do I hate everything?"

    Now I feel broken, and I'm never happy. I remember times when I could just sit around with my friends talking story and enjoying myself. Smoking bowls and pondering the wonderous things in the universe. Feeling full and content, happy and satisfied. --- Why now can I not do that now? When I find myself in those situations, I just want to run away. Run far away and be alone, by myself - stewing in my misery. Rotting alone in my head, with no one and nothing. Why does everyone feel like my enemy, I don't want any part of depression or darkness, I've had enough, I'm sick and tired of it all.

    Yay, what a rant. Now I'll sit around my computer waiting for replies from ppl who don't know me, can't really relate, and are just trying to be nice. Sitting around my computer hating life, hating everything and everyone, negative and cynical. Sit around my computer wishing I could just get hit by a truck and die in the street from blood loss or something else grotesque and graphic. Sit around my computer wishing I would die and just end the suffering and the hating and the shit and the agony and the emptiness and the numbness and the pain and the suffering and everything. Sit around my computer stewing in my agony, wishing I would just die.

    So tell me, can you relate? How do we fix ourselves?
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey. i am not trying to be nice. . . .i am just being real.

    life really is hard sometimes. . . mine could be worse, i sure some are. but for me, right now, it is nearly unbearable.

    so i am truly sorry- not just ''being nice'' sorry- that you are in so much pain.
    i hope you find support here - i do - and there are a lot of people, who care.
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hmm... I don't know how to fix ourselves. It's a struggle and you just work your way through the trenches. That's the way I see it.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree life sucks, but I don't let it completely control me!! I have found trying to help others here on the forum means I still have some humanity left in me. I care about others but I hate myself and what I have become. Your not alone in that department!! You just have to decide are you still going to wallow in the darkness or are you willing to try and help others to keep them from getting as low as we are?? Your Choice!!!~Joseph~
  5. SadPandaBear

    SadPandaBear Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way, however, im already feeling so drained/socially exhausted atm to really get more in depth.
  6. Eric

    Eric Well-Known Member


    I thought I'd never see the day when I actually related to someone here. You're probably one of the few people who share my thoughts. You remind me of myself back Spring of '08, except for the suicidal thoughts part.

    My fix was taking a break from everything, breathing in new air.
  7. mystereo2099

    mystereo2099 Well-Known Member

    thanks for the kind words from all. I'm actually not suicidal, well maybe but I couldn't put my family and friends through that. The way I see it, it's pretty shitty to just bail on a bunch of ppl who want to help out and leave them a mess of negative emotions to get over. It would be a nice escape but in the end just a little too selfish.

    Yeh everyday we have a choice, get up and wallow in the shit or go out and try and be productive. I'm not sure if I'm experiencing depression or what (it feels like it..) but I seem to be chronically un-motivated nowadays. The odd thing is I didn't used to be like that, I used to wake up smiling and energetically run around accomplishing my bullshit little tasks gaining that wonderful sense of accomplishment and some happiness as well. What would cause someone to lose motivation like that? When I do fake it and try and get stuff done I just feel kinda like "eh, what's the point. later tonight I'ma be in the same headspace - wondering why I'm not happy so I might as well just sit here and try to think my way through it."

    It feels like a flat tire on my bike - like a nice new bicycle all shiny and sweet (life) and there it sits w/a flat tire (depression, shitty outlook, whatever) - Except with a flat tire you can just patch it and pump it up and keep riding down hills having a blast. Like I said (I seem to be repeating myself, hmmmm) I wonder if it's possible to think my way through it and come out the other side. I don't want to sit here with a flat tire but I feel like I don't have the tools to fix it yet. It's like there's some thought out there or a revelation or epiphany or concept that I don't get yet - and I'm hoping somethings gonna click and then I can move forward and keep riding down hills loving every minute of my life.

    Anyone follow me? If anyone's got any life changing brilliance or even something very simple (it probably is) then I'm all ears. Otherwise I'm just here ranting in a public place for your entertainment and my peace of mind (hardly.)
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