I'm going to make a post here because the computer I'm on freezes every time I try to use the chatroom, and I really need to talk. First...I'm sorry to be making another thread. I just feel like every time I start my own conversation I'm just standing up in a room full of people in pain and shouting "Hey everyone look at me!!!" I don't deserve attention any more than anyone else, and I wish I could focus instead on helping others, but I can't, I just can't, I feel like I'm trapped in my own head and screaming and no one notices. I am home from Japan and I hate it. And I feel like all of life is threatening to swallow me whole and laughing at me while it does it. My boyfriend is still in China, so I rarely speak to him, I don't have a driver's license and EVERYONE drives in my city so I can't get anywhere, and I stay stuck in my house all the time with my parents, which makes me feel stifled and pathetic and like I have to fake a smile every day. I'm trying to straighten out all the red tape that got tangled up when I was uprooted from Tokyo - having my stuff sent home, signing up for summer classes, signing up for FALL classes, getting financial aid, getting housing, and I just want to die and forget it all. My sister asked me if I wanted a job for the month or so I have left here and GOD I said SURE, WHY, I can hardly handle waking up in the morning. I made a new friend. He's nice. But he likes to talk on the phone, and even when I don't want to he calls me, and why can't I just say no? Being pressured to talk and hang out...it reminds me of my ex, and that tortures me. I feel terrified, that I'm that same weak girl I was before when I let him use me and treat me like property and I haven't changed at all, have I? I just let people tell me where to go and what to do and even if I don't want to I take it. Why can't I stand up for myself? And OH speaking of the ex, I saw him a week or so ago. I went to a local anime convention, and was warned ahead of time that he was there, in the tabletop gaming room. And I was more angry than scared, so I thought, maybe I can handle it, maybe I can just walk in there and ignore him and play some games across the room and act like a strong woman who has gotten over him. And I got there, and I peered in the door to survey the room, and there he was, looking in my direction but not at me, and I whipped my head back and collapsed against the wall and had a panic attack. How pathetic is that? It's been a YEAR since we fell apart, and I've cut myself and tried to kill myself, been to two therapists and two psychiatrists, tried like five types of meds, gotten into a healthy relationship, traveled to Japan, and I STILL turn into a terrified piece of shit at the sight of him. I HATE this, he RUINED me. I tried to engage in some fetish play on the internet, and when I tried to BDSM roleplay over the INTERNET, I broke down because I felt like I was at his mercy again. I can't even do things that *I* enjoy, because I've been destroyed by him. And I still think of him this much? I hate it, I hate who I am and what he's done to me and the things I see and hear in my head every day and all night long. I try to force myself to cry, I try so hard not to cut, and night after night of not cutting is driving me insane! I feel like I NEED to cut, but everyone seems so hopeful that I won't since I've managed to stop for four months that I feel obligated to keep up the streak. But I feel like tearing my hair out, I'm screaming in my head and I don't know how to get it out, even when I go see my psych I try to be the nice little polite girl and I tell him, "Oh, I've been fine," sitting there in my pretty little skirt, legs crossed in the armchair, when I want to throw something and tear my skin and scream HELP ME PLEASE. I don't know what to DO. I was thinking of ODing tonight, but the laughable thing is that I've actually used so much of my medication that I hardly have anything left to OD on. I'm so screwed in the head that I don't have enough resources to keep being screwed. But I think I have a new plan. I can drop out of life and never need to worry about being functional again. I will make an attempt, and it doesn't even have to be a serious one, maybe a cry-for-attention, like I am always afraid of people telling me I'm doing. (Oh, you're not depressed, you cut for attention; oh, suicide is just a cry for attention.) I will make it a real scary one, and then I'll get myself institutionalized. And if they ever say they will let me out hooray, then I will make another attempt. I'll refuse meds, I'll refuse food, I'll throw myself around my room until they have to chain me down to keep me from hurting myself, I don't CARE, I'm just so tired of having to be THIS person and live THIS life with these horrible memories and this terrible head. I hate it, I hate myself, and so help me I will be rid of it all if it kills me.