Me again ._.

[Oloriel]

I'm going to make a post here because the computer I'm on freezes every time I try to use the chatroom, and I really need to talk. First...I'm sorry to be making another thread. I just feel like every time I start my own conversation I'm just standing up in a room full of people in pain and shouting "Hey everyone look at me!!!" I don't deserve attention any more than anyone else, and I wish I could focus instead on helping others, but I can't, I just can't, I feel like I'm trapped in my own head and screaming and no one notices.

I am home from Japan and I hate it. And I feel like all of life is threatening to swallow me whole and laughing at me while it does it. My boyfriend is still in China, so I rarely speak to him, I don't have a driver's license and EVERYONE drives in my city so I can't get anywhere, and I stay stuck in my house all the time with my parents, which makes me feel stifled and pathetic and like I have to fake a smile every day. I'm trying to straighten out all the red tape that got tangled up when I was uprooted from Tokyo - having my stuff sent home, signing up for summer classes, signing up for FALL classes, getting financial aid, getting housing, and I just want to die and forget it all. My sister asked me if I wanted a job for the month or so I have left here and GOD I said SURE, WHY, I can hardly handle waking up in the morning.

I made a new friend. He's nice. But he likes to talk on the phone, and even when I don't want to he calls me, and why can't I just say no? Being pressured to talk and hang out...it reminds me of my ex, and that tortures me. I feel terrified, that I'm that same weak girl I was before when I let him use me and treat me like property and I haven't changed at all, have I? I just let people tell me where to go and what to do and even if I don't want to I take it. Why can't I stand up for myself?

And OH speaking of the ex, I saw him a week or so ago. I went to a local anime convention, and was warned ahead of time that he was there, in the tabletop gaming room. And I was more angry than scared, so I thought, maybe I can handle it, maybe I can just walk in there and ignore him and play some games across the room and act like a strong woman who has gotten over him. And I got there, and I peered in the door to survey the room, and there he was, looking in my direction but not at me, and I whipped my head back and collapsed against the wall and had a panic attack. How pathetic is that? It's been a YEAR since we fell apart, and I've cut myself and tried to kill myself, been to two therapists and two psychiatrists, tried like five types of meds, gotten into a healthy relationship, traveled to Japan, and I STILL turn into a terrified piece of shit at the sight of him. I HATE this, he RUINED me. I tried to engage in some fetish play on the internet, and when I tried to BDSM roleplay over the INTERNET, I broke down because I felt like I was at his mercy again. I can't even do things that *I* enjoy, because I've been destroyed by him. And I still think of him this much? I hate it, I hate who I am and what he's done to me and the things I see and hear in my head every day and all night long. I try to force myself to cry, I try so hard not to cut, and night after night of not cutting is driving me insane! I feel like I NEED to cut, but everyone seems so hopeful that I won't since I've managed to stop for four months that I feel obligated to keep up the streak. But I feel like tearing my hair out, I'm screaming in my head and I don't know how to get it out, even when I go see my psych I try to be the nice little polite girl and I tell him, "Oh, I've been fine," sitting there in my pretty little skirt, legs crossed in the armchair, when I want to throw something and tear my skin and scream HELP ME PLEASE. I don't know what to DO.

I was thinking of ODing tonight, but the laughable thing is that I've actually used so much of my medication that I hardly have anything left to OD on. I'm so screwed in the head that I don't have enough resources to keep being screwed. But I think I have a new plan. I can drop out of life and never need to worry about being functional again. I will make an attempt, and it doesn't even have to be a serious one, maybe a cry-for-attention, like I am always afraid of people telling me I'm doing. (Oh, you're not depressed, you cut for attention; oh, suicide is just a cry for attention.) I will make it a real scary one, and then I'll get myself institutionalized. And if they ever say they will let me out hooray, then I will make another attempt. I'll refuse meds, I'll refuse food, I'll throw myself around my room until they have to chain me down to keep me from hurting myself, I don't CARE, I'm just so tired of having to be THIS person and live THIS life with these horrible memories and this terrible head. I hate it, I hate myself, and so help me I will be rid of it all if it kills me.

 

[Lestat]

Your very good at writing. You described you feelings very well. I feel for you wish I could help, but I can only say that it can take years to get over someone, its been 4 for me and I still hurt. I no longer have big issues but it is still there. You will get better and things will heal.

Did this all start when you split with your ex? If so, thins will get better. Maybe the meds are wrong. I have been put on meds that make me even worse! So watch out. Try that job as it could help once your over knowing people you work with and the first few days. Please stick with all us damaged souls, we can help eachother. xxx

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi O...it sounds like you are taking on so much that it is no wonder you are overwhelmed...after not seeing my ex for five years, when I saw him again, I reacted just as you did...some pain is remembered when the agent is seen...about voicing how you are feeling..please be more honest with your therapist...s/he can only treat what you bring to the relationship and you deserve to feel better...and I think there is nothing wrong with saying that you are hurting and need to be cared for...you are worthy of that attention, and maybe if you allowed that in, you would not have to do other things to access it...I am glad you posted and I hope you continue to...many of us relate to what you have written...and I agree, you are wonderful at expressing yourself in writing...maybe writing to your therapist might be more effective than speaking...big hugs, J

 

[Oloriel]

Thank you, both. And thank you for complimenting my writing - sometimes these posts are the only wayI can get anything out. Lately when I try to draw I feel so stifled - it's like all I can think of is to color the whole page black and then maybe slash it a few times.

Lestat, I have been depressed since I was about 12, and cutting since ninth grade, so my problems didn't all begin with my ex, though he certianly exacerbated every single one of them. I think I might have just been too easily susceptible to his abuse - and you know, I think he knew that and used it to his advantage. I have had a vague desire to die almost as long as I remember, it got serious in ninth grade, but only after this breakup did I reallu start contemplating it every day and truly attempting. I may have been kind of scratched up before, but what he did smashed me into pieces.

Sadeyes, you're right about me talking more to my therapist, I'm just so scared to let go. My last therapist, when I told her I was suicidal, she asked if she could tell my mom a few important aspects of what I had said and I consented. Then she goes and tells my mom that I'm cutting and suicidal and a danger and maybe she shouldn't send me to school. My parents had a fucking intervention to make me stop cutting, or I wouldn't get to study abroad, and they treated me like a time bomb. So I'm...kind of afraid of my psych. I still haven't told him about my suicide attempt.

Thank you for your stories. I remember I read once that it takes up to six months to get over an ex, and when I'd passed that point, I always would wonder, what's wrong with me? Shouldn't I be better now? It's helpful to hear that others are affected by these memories long after the fact. I am so afraid that everything I feel is just a silly overreaction to a "bad breakup". Because this can't have been a normal breakup, can it? It haunts me and I'm so scared of him and myself and what I've become because of it. Scared I'm not good enough for my current boyfriend, scared I can't make him happy.

 

[Sadeyes]

I do not think there is a timeline for things like this...we each heal at our own rate and according to how much injury was incurred...there is a delicate balance between what to disclose and how it will effect our lives, but finding someone you can trust is the most important...then test the waters with that person...tell some of your feelings and see what happens...but withholding is not the answer...and yes, you are worthy of someone caring about you...your bf is the fortunate one and do not under estimate your worth in the relationship...big hugs, J

 

[solutions]

It took me three years to begin feeling better about losing my ex, and that was after she contacted me asking for a mutual apology. (it was not the most mutual or friendly kind of breakup). Before then, any reference to her was a trigger for depression, self-harm and thoughts of suicide. I don't think there's a set timeline, as Sadeyes said.

I did the same thing you did, I let my therapist and psychiatrist talk to my parents about my thoughts of suicide, which have been consistent since I was 14. So they did, and my parents didn't talk about it with me. I thought that was fine, it's a terribly uncomfortable subject, anyway.

A few things started happening that I didn't put any significance into at the time. I was getting a lot of attention from everybody, including my younger brother, who is 22. Suddenly everyone wanted to come out with me if I was going somewhere trivial, like a pharmacy. But again, I didn't put any significance into it, and it didn't bother me too much.

About six or seven months later I got into an argument with my parents. It escalated, and they told me they had been on-edge because I had been on a suicide watch for six months. I blew up, saying that was lunacy, that even suicidal ideation is not the same thing as being actively suicidal, and I was not actively suicidal during that time period; further, if I was suicidal, I have ALWAYS reached out for help. I have voluntarily hospitalized myself, made phone calls to clinicians, drove myself into ERs, and been responsible whenever I felt I was on the verge of being dangerous. I asked who it was that told them to stay vigilant around me. They said it was my psychiatrist.

My mother added that she drank because of me, just to drive home the point.

This whole thing took a while to resolve. I saw my therapist again, this time with my father present. I told my therapist what I had said before, that I had never been actively suicidal and was never dangerous. He pulled out a piece of paper I had written in January of this year, about two months after the date. He read off what I had written, that I had "wanted to die". I didn't realize this at the time, but after I had left his office, I realized he had manipulated both me and my father. He did exactly what I had been trying to prevent.

There are two kinds of suicidal, active and passive. Active means you're seeking a means, method, and opportunity to kill yourself. Passive means something like, you want to fall asleep and never wake up, or you want to be hit by a train, or whatever. There is an enormous difference in severity. What my therapist had done was read off a passively suicidal statement and then treated it like I had said I was hiding a loaded handgun in my dresser and was planning to use it on myself that Saturday.

The only good that came out of this "suicide watch" was that my parents were constantly and unnecessarily vigilant, when there was no evidence I was going to kill myself, and even if I felt like I was, in my entire history, I have always consistently shown that I ask for help during those times.

Really, the only problem I had with this was that no one said anything to me. I don't see what would have been so bad about keeping a level of trust between us. Instead, everything had to be a secret, even with my brother.

I've written too much already, but the bottom line is that I'm now very careful of what I tell clinicians.

I just wish they had fucking talked to me.

 

[Oloriel]

Rocket - It's like they forget you're a person with feelings and just want to watch you all the time to make sure you don't do anything, and you can always feel them staring. My mom has told me that she feels stressed out and hurt by my suicidality, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take that because it just makes me feel guilty for being suicidal... She has also talked about how shameful it would be for someone in the family to commit suicide, and I don't understand that, because if I want to die, why should that bring shame upon the family because I followed through? Oh, their daughter killed herself, how shameful. I just wish I could make them understand what it's like, and also reassure them that I'm not teetering on the edge of shooting myself every day.

 

[In Limbo]

I feel for you, and how your parents reacted. Remember that Depression is a disease and is irrational, for those without it - it is a scary thing with no obvious, warnings, patterns or linear improvement. I know my father was affected deeply when I told him that I'd attempted - but overtime we have grown closer than we have ever been.

It's a matter of building up a level of day-to-day trust, for us, we did this by setting out a small number of things I'd get done each day, (get up before midday/make a phonecall/go and enjoy choir/get some fresh air/sort out XYZ/etc/etc/etc). Indeed, we've started doing this again now that I'm having something of a relapse, even though we live apart - it keeps me grounded and more rational and it reassures them that I've not gone completely nuts...

It can be done, but you do need to be honest with them - how you choose to go about that is up to you - be it letter/phone convo/face-to-face/group meeting with therapist also involved/other....but you do need to be honest. I can only go by my own experience, but they probably feel a great level of guilt for how you feel - and this probably has to do with the 'shameful' comment. I.e. 'how could they let her kill herself, they must have been awful people'. You're never gonna get 100% empathy, but one thing I felt was important that I realised (in hindsight), was that they were very scared people too.

I hope that makes some degree of sense...you know where my PM box is...drop me a line sometime...

Chris

 

[solutions]

Most people are stuck in the traditional views on suicide. For instance, that it's shameful, or that the suicidal person is deliberately causing stress on the family, or that it's considered a mark of shame for the family itself.

I don't resent my parents for the way they treat me, not anymore (when I was first diagnosed, there was a lot of strife between us. Once, when I called a hotline because I was feeling desperate, my father heard me talking, and when he found out I was contacting a hotline, he yelled at me that I wasn't that crazy, that I didn't need those people, while I was on the line. But something like that hasn't happened for many years.). They start knowing nothing about anything: nothing about depression or suicide. They get conflicting messages. It was painfully obvious that they didn't understand how I felt, but nor did they make any effort to understand. I took action by showing them some of my books on depression and suicide. I had some success with my father, who agreed to read November of the Soul. We were able to discuss it, humanely, after he had finished it. I had a book for my mother to read, too, but she kept telling me she would without ever picking it up.

Anyway, the point is that I don't hold it against them for not knowing what to do. Most parents just don't get it.

 

[Oloriel]

I'm so afraid to be honest with my family - we're the kind of people who all avoid conflict. My mom has kept some secrets from me for years, trying to shelter me, and I really feel like it's screwed me up in some ways...My father hardly even tries to talk to me about awkward subjects - if he ever has a problem with me he'll tell my mom about it and have her discuss it with me. -.- I'm terrified they'll find out about my attempt and try to follow up on their threats and pull me out of school, and as frustrated as I am by college, I can't stand to live in this house anymore. I suppose if they threw me in a hospital I'd have gotten what I kinda want...but we don't have that kind of money, and more than likely they'd just keep me at home to watch me, and I couldn't bear that. I don't think I could live with seeing my family treat me like I'm mentally ill, or babying me for fear I'll get set off or something.

I still have the broken belt I used to try to kill myself. I can't throw it away for some reason. ...Is that sick?

 

[In Limbo]

That's not sick - that's because it's such a big event and state of mind to go through, that it's hard to put it back on the shelf and lock it away. After I came home from uni, having tried to starve myself - and only gotten out when my Dad came down and got me - I some months later drove 200 miles just to stand outside the hall where my room was...

 

[solutions]

Wait a sec.

I suppose if they threw me in a hospital I'd have gotten what I kinda want...but we don't have that kind of money

It might be beneficial to tell you that most insurance plans cover a week's stay, give or take a few days. BlueCross and Tufts, for example. You would be paying little to nothing for that.

 

[Oloriel]

Wait a sec. It might be beneficial to tell you that most insurance plans cover a week's stay, give or take a few days. BlueCross and Tufts, for example. You would be paying little to nothing for that.

Oh, that's a relief. Not that I'm going to follow through on that plan to hospitalize myself - I know I'm a weak person, but I hope I can be stronger than that. ._. But at least now I know that if I *really* fall apart, hopefully there's somewhere I can go.

And Limbo, thank you so much for that story. It makes me feel less crazy. I know that one reason I keep the belt is that I still like to use it to self harm sometimes...but I know that's not the only reason. And I don't like that having it makes me scared of myself and angry, but I still can't get rid of it.

 

[Dave_N]

I still have the broken belt I used to try to kill myself. I can't throw it away for some reason. ...Is that sick?

I don't think that it's sick to keep the belt Oloriel. I think you should keep it as a reminder of what can happen if you let things get out of control. Please don't do this to yourself again. I'm so glad that the belt broke and allowed you to breathe. :hug: