I know I'm gay since I was twelve years old. I can get an erection with a woman and I had some relationships with some girls just to keep up appearances. But since I was thirteen, I talk to gays on the internet. The issue is that I fell in love with another guy. He also likes me too, but neither was prepared to face anything that would count for after all. My father once found a history on my computer to an MSN conversation with this guy. He knew of my orientation. When discovered, was the most hellish weeks of my life. In the end, he bought ammunition for his gun and he said would not accept having a "little woman" as a son. He demanded that I see a psychologist (as if sexual orientation were a thing capable of cure) and said if I didn't do what he wanted, he would kill himself. Since then my life is hell. I keep talking to this guy in secret. I want to be happy with it, but I know that if I do, my dad will kill himself. I have two sisters and I don't know if I could live with the guilt of them grow up without a father because me. Also, I don't know how to see MYSELF if I told to everyone that I'm gay. I'm not prepared for the prejudice. I feel disgusted with myself every time I think of myself as gay. I would like to know how to deal with this, but every time I think in the future without a family, a wife and kids, it's seriously, I feel like crying and die. My father betrayed my mother in secret and it shocks me. How can he demand something from me? Do not take it anymore. What do I do?