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Me and my father

I know I'm gay since I was twelve years old. I can get an erection with a woman and I had some relationships with some girls just to keep up appearances. But since I was thirteen, I talk to gays on the internet. The issue is that I fell in love with another guy. He also likes me too, but neither was prepared to face anything that would count for after all.

My father once found a history on my computer to an MSN conversation with this guy. He knew of my orientation. When discovered, was the most hellish weeks of my life. In the end, he bought ammunition for his gun and he said would not accept having a "little woman" as a son. He demanded that I see a psychologist (as if sexual orientation were a thing capable of cure) and said if I didn't do what he wanted, he would kill himself. Since then my life is hell.

I keep talking to this guy in secret. I want to be happy with it, but I know that if I do, my dad will kill himself. I have two sisters and I don't know if I could live with the guilt of them grow up without a father because me. Also, I don't know how to see MYSELF if I told to everyone that I'm gay. I'm not prepared for the prejudice. I feel disgusted with myself every time I think of myself as gay. I would like to know how to deal with this, but every time I think in the future without a family, a wife and kids, it's seriously, I feel like crying and die.

My father betrayed my mother in secret and it shocks me. How can he demand something from me?

Do not take it anymore. What do I do?


Well-Known Member
Don't feel bad about being gay, just because other people aren't accepting doesnt mean its a bad thing. Some people are stuck in the past and it sounds like your dad is one of them. It's not fair for him to put all that pressure on you to be straight, I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it though. If you're close to an age where you can move out, maybe move out and go live on your own where you are free to act and love who you want. If not, is there a way you can block him from seeing your chat logs? Do you share a computer or do you have your own? you might be able to password protect your stuff so he cant see who youre talking to.

Either way, be proud of who you are, there is nothing wrong with who you love or choose to be attracted to as long as whatever potential relationship formed is a healthy one.

Good luck
To begin with, being gay isn’t a sickness, it have been already proof be science that it is something that you are born with, it’s a gene, and all the mammals have this tendencies. So don’t worry you are not sick. Second, well you know your father, and I think that you can make him understand this if you talk to him in a certain way, if your father believe in science make him understand in a science way, y he belief in society make him understand that way, an so.

Investigate on internet of this topic to backup your sexual orientation so he can understand that it is something natural and it’s something not to be ashamed from.

I suggest to start looking for some more people like you, no dating, but spenthing out to see how you feel.

I’m not gay, but a close friend of mine have kind of the same problem that you have, and it is very difficult when your family doesn’t support you, but you have to be strong and fight for your right to be happy.
first, I wanna say I can empathize with not being straight. I'm bisexual, and it took years to become comfortable in my own skin.
in regards to the situation with your father, I'm sure it's frustrating to not be accepted by him. is there anyone in your area who genuinely supports you?
I wish you the best.
On the topic of doing things in secret get a blank CD and burn yourself a "live-linux CD" it might be a good idea to use a rewritable cd to try out a lot of different copies of linux and find one that you like and you could also customize installed files this way.
This can be done for no more then the cost of the burnable CD and unless you go out of your way to partition your hard drive and force your programs to save data there this will leave no tracks at all.
If your dad has any questions a good cover is "my tech-y friend suggested I try (the linux distro you picked) and burning it on a CD allows me to try it out without risking my files or anything" a lot of people use linux for this all the time.
If you don't want this to be a lie I recommend openSUSE and I think by default it installs a chat program that works with MSN but I might be wrong and I'm still a bit of a linux noob myself so feel free to shop around.
To be clear this is nothing you should ever have to hide or keep secret or ever feel ashamed of, but I hope this will make things easy for you.

I wish I had more advice or something else helpful to say but I really don't know how else to advise you, but I wish you the best and I try to help you if theres anything else I can do.

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