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Me and why I'm here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Savsta, Apr 20, 2011.

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  1. Savsta

    Savsta Active Member

    I cry every night
    I hate myself to the point I want to be dead
    I pray everynight that I go to sleep that I don't wake up
    I feel selfish for feeling like I do
    I'm lonely - I hate the way this society works , I mean you can be completely surrounded by fellow humans and yet be and feel completely alone and lonely , too me that Is a great shame , that we have completly forgotten how to communicate and trust our fellow human beings.
    I have tried to end my life before just before chrismas
    I've been in a mental hospital
    I have been on many types of antidepressant
    I was bullied all through my school life
    I lost my job after my last attempt
    I have allot of debt
    I have only ever had the one girlfriend and even she hates me now
    I hate myself , so i don't expect others to treat me any diff

    That's why I'm here , reaching out to random strangers

    Maybe you can restore my faith in the world..... I doubt it though.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No one judges you here you will see so many of us can relate to your post I hope you hang around get to know us some make new friends her Good to see you reaching out for support hugs
  3. Savsta

    Savsta Active Member

    Thank you , but I don't know how much longer I can take of being miserable.
  4. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hi savsta welcome to sf
    i dont think your being miserable alot of your words ring true with me too
    yes i feel like a miserable old sod well i am
    but its good to connect with people on here makes me feel more human when people here understand
    so yes hang around here on the forums be careful if you go into chat it can make you feel worse and most of all be yourself
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Sastva,
    I think you took the right first step.. You will make friends here easy enough..No one deserves to feel as you do.. Have you thought about seeing a therapist?? They can teach you coping skills..I hope you stay with us.. The other user above is right chat can be pretty harry some times..So be carefull..
  6. Savsta

    Savsta Active Member

    Thank you both , I will be careful on the chat maybe use it when I'm not at my worst , thank you for the heads up.
    I have seen various therapists and groups, all they ever seem to do is pass me from one team to another, the latest one was about a month ago Apprantly I wasn't stable enough for them so they passed me back to my gp. Nothing seems to help anyway.
  7. Kaganovich

    Kaganovich Active Member

    Therapy is a difficult one. I identify with a lot of what you have written, particulanrly around 10 years ago or so, my life has moved on a bit, but those feelings don't really go away, you just learn to recognise them and deal with them in one way or another.
    Unfortunately (in my opinion) most therapists, doctors etc. have not been in a frame of mind anything like yours. This does not mean that what they tell you is bullpoop, but that you need to be analytical. You need to apply the principles to your reality, noone else can quite do that for you. But they can help you learn coping strategies etc. but you will learn how to apply them.
  8. Savsta

    Savsta Active Member

    I chose not to go back to my gp as I got slightly sick of being passed around and going round in circles , i felt slightly like a problem they didnt want to deal with.
    After your advice I might give it one last shot. What do I have to loose I guess. But if this fails this is the last chance. After this I give up.
  9. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Well, you'd be making a mistake by thinking that things can't change. It may seem that way to you because you've been weakened by everything that's happened. But it's actually not so. Now, "weakened" has a negative sound maybe, like I'm saying you're "weak" as in "inferior" but that's not what I mean. I just mean that all the negative events seem to have drained you from energy. And when you don't have that energy, which you need to be able to deal with things you're more succeptible to negative thinking.

    Don't forget that there is a way to a happier life. All you need to do is find it. Sounds easier than it is, I know. But it's true.
  10. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Oh and I think society sucks too. Largely anyway. I mean you've got vanity, greed, aggression, heartlessness, sociopathy, sarcasm, people ganging up on others, selfishness, tyranny, conformism, rudeness, sadism... It's not pretty.

    There's still a lot of cool people too, though. I'm of the opinion that you've got to be realistic not cynical.
  11. Savsta

    Savsta Active Member

    i have waited long enough for it to change and nothing does. i agree completly with you and honestly with all the dark in the world, im surprised more people dont feel like this , im a very cynical person maybe that is my downfall. i struggle to see the good in people and the world.
  12. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I think a lot of people just fail to look beyond the surface. They've got their jobs where they have a "good atmosphere", drinking coffee, telling jokes. They've got their minds filled with daydreams about the vacation that's coming up and they've got their partners... It's somehow all good their minds. They're so obsorbed in their lives, I think, that they don't really spend a lot of time meditating on the lives of the less fortunate. And because everyone in their life is "fun" and "nice" they see society as a wonderful place where you've only got nice people and you've got a community atmosphere. In some cases it's kind of like that, I think.

    The reality is quite different... I mean so many people are being bullied and excluded... And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

    However you've got the moon and the sun, negative and positive, night and day; for every jerk there's also a good-hearted person!

    I've just been posting on another forum I frequent... A lot of the people there are really supportive, warm and loving. It's kind of a pitfall when you've been hurt a lot, that you form this view of the world where nice people are exceptions, few and far between, but that's really an incorrect view. I fell into that pitfall. But now I'm doing better. :)
  13. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I'll tell you a story. One time I was riding my bike home in the rain. And I came across this train track with, I guess a large pole in front of it. This pole usually went up and down by itself whenever a train would come by but now, it was defective so if you wanted to go over the track, you'd have to push it out of the way yourself.

    Now, I got off of my bike and pushed the pole up but it wouldn't stay up by itself. So I stood there with the pole in the rain and these three women came by on their bikes. They also wanted to cross the track. I told them I would keep holding the pole up so they could go across since I was already standing there.

    And you know what one of them said? She said "Hey I'll take your bike and place it on the other side of the track, ok? That way, it's easier for you.". So she helped me man. Out of the goodness of her heart.
  14. Savsta

    Savsta Active Member

    im that sort of person , if i have a chance to help someone i take it , but how rare are moments like that ? the amount of times i have struggled with things , and people just walk on by they even stare at you sometimes. i honestly cant recall the last time a stranger did anything nice for me.

    i like your outview on life and i like that you have got away from where i am , from the situation that im in , it gives me a bit of hope that maybe i can too.

    thank you for your time and for your help.
  15. Rubyshoes

    Rubyshoes Member

    Pretty much everything you said in your opening post applies to me. :hug:

    I feel so disheartened with society in general. I hate that I'm ostracised for being different. I hate that every time I try to improve my life it goes horribly wrong and I end up worse than when I started. I feel like I'm watching life go by from behind some kind of screen. I'm here, but I'm not a part of it.

    Oh crap, I'm sorry, I am totally hijacking your thread with my rant here! Somewhere in there, I was trying to say something to make you feel better, lol. I clearly fail at that, so... here, have a moonwalk, you can't not smile at someone doing the moonwalk :D - :moonwalk:
  16. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Keep your chin up, mate. There's an answer to every question and a solution to every problem. I'm sure better, happier times lie ahead for you. Many people have been in the same situation as you and they're all havin' a good time now. So try to remind yourself of that whenever you feel you're sinking down further, ok? It all lies within you. If you talk to yourself in a positive way, you'll move forward. If you tell yourself things like "There is no hope" or "It can never change" you'll start believing them which can have all sorts of bad consequences. Take control of your plane and make sure it flies at a safe altitude. Don't sit in the cockpit doing nothing, letting the plane crash by itself.

    And you're welcome. Good luck...
  17. Wanteddead

    Wanteddead Account Closed

    I agree, humans are most definitely the cruest animal. Realism is best. Some people are too positive though almost to the point of denial at situations and you want be able to recognize you're dealing with a sociopath.
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