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Me in a nutshell (help help, I'm trapped inside a giant nutshell etc etc)

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by lordsalisbury, Nov 27, 2012.

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  1. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    I realise this will be tedious reading, but good to get it out. I’m very inarticulate, so apologies if this is heavy going.

    Firstly, I’m not an immediate danger to myself. I’m perfectly calm. I’m male, 32 years old, I decided a good few months ago that I was finally going to kill myself. I quit my job, and moved to a different country, because I figured if I can get myself away from people I know, they’ll forget about me a little bit and won’t miss me as much after it happens. I have organised all my finances and everything else and decided how I’m going to do it. My savings will probably run out in the next five or six months, so I guess that will be the time.

    What’s holding me back is I feel really guilty about my family. My dad and my younger sister will be devastated (obviously), but I think they’ll get over it. However, I can’t stop imagining how my older sister will react. She’s sensitive, and I think it might break her heart permanently.

    I remember when I was a teenager telling a friend that I had suicidal thoughts, and was surprised when he looked shocked. I’ve had periods in my 20s when I’ve been close to going through with it. Since as long as I can remember, whenever I consider anything long term (career plan, marriage, pension etc), there’s a little voice in me that says ‘what for? You won’t be around that long’. Sometimes I’ll look in the mirror, or I’ll just catch myself thinking ‘why am I still here?’. It’s difficult to explain, I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t exist, never did, and never will.

    My parents divorced when I was young. My mother was a drunk who died a slow and painful death. She committed suicide, more or less, she just did it with cigarettes and alcohol and it took her about 15 years. I’m sure that had an effect on me, although I really don’t like to put too much weight on it, because who had it easy growing up? My mother was a drunk, but she was other things too, she was actually pretty great. I believe you make your own life, I don’t like the idea that as soon as someone has a baby they stop being a ‘person’ and become a ‘parent’ – someone who has to sacrifice their entire life for their children. The position I’m in now is entirely of my own making and I take complete responsibility for it.

    I guess I’m an alcoholic, because alcohol is the best way I’ve found to get my brain to leave me alone for a little while. I’m not that bad, I don’t drink everyday, and I’ve never lost a job, been in a fight, been arrested, driven while drunk etc.

    I used to have a big problem with insomnia, but that miraculously disappeared about 4 years ago. For a while I used to stub cigarettes out on my arms, standard self-loathing thing, but a couple of people noticed the marks, so I stopped (and have since quit smoking).

    There is no way I could tell a friend or family member how I feel, or check myself into a hospital or anything, not in a million years, I’m just not that kind of person (even this, anonymously over the internet, is uncomfortable for me). I cannot bare fuss, inconveniencing people, being the centre of attention or anything like that – I never had a birthday party when I was a kid for that reason.

    A friend once told me that if he had to sum me up in one word, the word would be ‘aloof’. That’s probably fair. I’m a loner, but I’m definitely not a misanthrope – I like everyone (or I certainly dislike nobody), I just don’t like inflicting my company on other people, y’know? If you’re sat on your own watching a movie or reading a book, you’re never bothering anyone. I can socialise, but after a couple of hours I’m totally exhausted and feel like I have to go home and lock myself in a room and sleep for several days. Once, a friend made the mistake of accidentally sending an email about me to me, and in it, he said something like I can “easily hold my own in all social situations, but it’s as if I choose to have minimal participation in society”.

    I’ve always had friends, but I try and keep them at arm’s length, and have consciously pushed them away over the years, although I still have six or seven I’m in regular contact with, usually by email.

    This is going to sound weird, but at my last job I had an assistant, and she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen (seriously, ‘beautiful’ is just a word, there is no word for what she is), and she was also really lovely and charming, we got along great. On my last day at that job, she cried and hugged me, it was sweet, and I had the odd feeling that that was a sign, you know? Hugged by the most beautiful girl in the world, a nice way to end my life. I’m an atheist, I don’t believe in spiritualism or anything, but that felt like a cosmic arrow in my brain. Like that saying - the wisdom in attending a party is knowing when it’s time to leave.

    (I often wonder if lunatics know that they’re lunatics, and having just re-read that last paragraph, I guess the answer is no, because I’m clearly a whack-job, lol).

    Without wishing to be melodramatic, I’m pretty sure that no matter what happens, at some point or another I’ll build up the courage and actually go through with it. I’m terrified of dying, but the passage of time isn’t going to lessen that, so why not get it over with.

    I’m sure I don’t have ‘depression’ - obviously I don’t deny that it is a medical condition (anymore than I’d deny that schizophrenia is one), but I’m certain that my sadness is much more existential than medical. I’m not really even that depressed, it’s just imagining the relentless tedious maintenance of being alive – of eating and haircuts and worrying about the rent and feeling obliged to pretend to care about some pointless job, and in the end, it’s all for nothing. I’m not looking to be ‘talked down’, I sincerley believe that this is the best thing for me.

    Anyway, that’s me, sorry it’s so long, thanks for reading (and if you’ve made it this far, that’s amazing :) ), it was quite cathartic.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Lordsalisbury, welcome to SF! Yes, your angst in life sounds "existential" but that doesn't mean it's not depression. The only person who could really say would be a doctor. There are also physical causes for anxiety, angst, low mood...Perhaps you could see your GP to rule out physical causes, just in case.

    I have wondered and felt many of the same sorts of things you note. I don't know exactly what works or doesn't work for me. I just try to make my corner of the world a good place - for me, for others, for the planet. It seems to help me get through a good bit of the time. Sometimes I think it's learned or forced optimism, and that the good things that DO happen are reinforcing my efforts to think positively. :dunno:

    You seem such a deep thinking, caring person, I would be sad if the world lost you. Good people can be hard to spot in the fast-paced me-first world that so often surround us. Not everyone is that way, so it's always nice to find someone caring and thinking.

    Stick around for more input and conversations. Many people here are struggling with such feelings. Please don't throw in the towel. I'd like to hear more about you and from you.

    Welcome again, and stay safe.
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry it took so long for me to find your post. It was not difficult reading in any way. So far as being a lunatic or whack job you do not even make it a 2.1 on a scale of 1-10. I am not sure if that is good news or bad news, and it is only an opinion in any case.

    I agree with the premise of many things you said , primarily I believe you make your own life, /// The position I’m in now is entirely of my own making and I take complete responsibility for it. really that needs no elaboration at all , it is simply a fact. That said , if you are not pleased with where your life is at or where it is going then change the direction.

    If you have any doubts at all on the impact suicide will have on your family and sister review the loved and lost subforum or read the many posts of hundreds or others here that correlate their depression and suicidal thoughts to the suicide of a loved one- it is not forgotten, gotten over, or something one simply moves past.

    Having a preference to your own company is just that - a preference - some people do not do well or feel good about themselves unless in a crowded room, some prefer to keep more to themselves , neither is right or wrong nor better or worse. I do not believe either lends itself to a happier or more peaceful existence and both sorts tend to take the grass is greener on the other side attitude. if you feel better with more private time and space then do so and feel good about it.

    What the passage of time will do is eliminate the need or compulsion to end your own life, with the passage of time you realize that will happen naturally in its own time anyway and free up your thoughts for other pursuits.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I agree with Acy that the roots of your thinking have existential reasons for it all being there, and from the roots, the plant has grown, and yet there is a part of you that feels it wants to cut it back, like an explorer in the jungle clearing a path. I truly believe hun, that if you take the course you're on as regards your self-awareness, with a little tweak or two, your path will clear onto a plain with a glorious vista........ I'm sorry for using such flowery language, but sometimes it paints a picture which is, or can be, worth a thousand words.

    Have you heard of the Myers Briggs Type Indicator? From what you describe, you are a classic Introvert - absolutely NOTHING wrong with that!! Your preference is to keep to your own counsel and company. Your preference concerning belief is atheism, and yet you write at the beginning "I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t exist, never did, and never will."

    I truly believe that all of this is presenting itself as an opportunity for you. It does not need to end in what it is suggesting as an "inevitable" destruction. You are certainly talented and gifted in writing and expressing yourself, and like Acy said it would be sad if the world lost you :)

    I must admit to being down on the atheism that has convinced you that your homesickness is an illusion. The offer is always open to explore this option, will be happy to PM, or here if you prefer. I hope very much that you will stay and make friends here and join us all in supporting one another :)
  5. forced

    forced Member

    maybe you need to find something to believe in. maybe a part of you is trying to die so another part can be born. maybe your in a transition of the self awkward and uncomfortable. our own darkness can feel so vast and consuming. bet it is only a moment deep. maybe you just need to eat some salts that we often miss maybe you need to call the pretty lady up and say i should have told you you make me feel alive yada yada yoda........................... maybe i should not speak
  6. mackaroni

    mackaroni Well-Known Member

    Hi! :biggrin: Welcome to SF! I am glad you have found us and get some support

    To answer your question about how your loved ones would feel if you committed suicide I can tell you from first hand experience th HURT and the WHATifs never go away, no matter how far or how close you are. The reason I know is that I went through a period of several years of having and attempting on my sucicidal thoughts so I know how desperate you must feel to reach that point. However, last January my younger sister attempted suicide for the very first time and she survived. However she has permanent and irrervisible brain damage to the point she is in a nursing home at the age of 24. When I found out what happened I felt so guility and when we found out the devestation that it caused on her brain it was like I had lost her forever. I finally understood what my family went through every time I attempted and I dont wish that on anyone. I also thought about our parents if I had committed or committ suicide its like their only two children would be lost forever. So my sister didnt pass away as a result, but its like we lost her. Now a days when those old thoughts and feelings come up I try to put myself back to how I felt after I found out about my sisters attempt and that reminds me why life can get better but once you die its over and you will never know how wonderful it can be! Keep talking and reaching out! Take good care of you!
  7. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    Thanks! I have never articulated these thoughts into words before, it's quite liberating. My health is actually very good, although I do drink too much. I had chronic insomnia from age about 15-28, then it suddenly somehow cured itself. I quit smoking a few years ago. I walk regularly, and I think my weight is fine (I'm 6'2" and 185lbs), and I never get sick, I've been ill maybe once in the last ten years.

    (Sorry, I'm replying to a different post now, I just don't want to bombard this board). My dad is strong, I think he'd cope, sometimes I'm sure he even hints that he knows (one time he said to me something like "I'd be very sad if you died before me", and before I moved out to this country I went to visit him, and he said "You will let me know before you disappear forever, won't you?" like, in a jokey way, but could be taken either way). He thinks I take after my mum anyway, and he knows how horribly she self-destructed. I think if I wrote a rational note, saying I don't want what happened to my mother to happen to me, and that I love him and am very grateful to have had him for a father, he would understand. And maybe my sisters are a lot stronger than I give them credit for, as I say, my mum died a really horrible death over the course of about 15 years (hospitalised on various occasions after nearly drinking herself to death, then cancer, tube in her throat for 3 years, chemotherapy, intensive care etc etc) so my sisters aren’t unfamiliar with death and all it’s unpleasantness, and when I go I intend to slip away absolutely as quietly as possible. I know I'm being selfish, I'd rather people just didn't think about me at all.

    I'm neither, but thanks! That's very nice of you to say so.
  8. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    That is very kind of you and I thank you sincerley, but honestly, I have done lots and lots (and lots) of reading and thinking on this subject, and I am a completely convinced athiest, if a reluctant one – I actually agree with you, I’m kinda ‘down’ on atheism too, but although I would like to believe, I can’t, and to pretend that I could would be dishonest. Absolutely no disrespect to your faith intended :)
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I feel very sad reading this, because of the potential I see to get it all turned around. I feel sad from your father's point of view (he and I are of the same age, I have a son of 33 and am sort of putting him in your place, in order to answer your post) Your father is intuitive by what you write, and although you can comfort yourself with thinking he would understand if you off'd - the sadness he would be carrying for the rest of his days, on top of how he lost your mother, would be unimaginable. And yet, he is probably resigned to the fact that he cannot control his children's decisions - but however gently you break the news to him (or he finds out afterwards) - he would far sooner have you alive, and as he was such a good father to you, the potential I see is that he would be willing to stand by you and help you sort out your thinking to avoid this kind of misery.

    Suicidal thinking is nothing to be ashamed about - and it can be remedied. I absolutely know that for a certain fact honey. You don't have to try and do it alone, with lack of resources to climb over an impossible mountain. :)
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Our posts coincided LS - unfortunately no more time to respond to your #8 for a few hours, but I would like to very much :)
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Just found a few more minutes before leaving the house....... but actually, your "reluctance" speaks of a certain amount of ambivalence about the label you've chosen for yourself - "a completely convinced atheist". I am not here to try and force you into anything that does not make sense to you honey, but, being intuitive myself I have some empathy for your state of mind at the moment - that, on the one hand almost all of you is yearning to find another "plane of existence" (even if it is "oblivion") - and yet you do have some, understandable reservations, but can see no other way to do it.

    The good news is that this - what I think we could call at present "ephemeral home" is there for you, but the maps you've used to try to find it have been insufficient to do the job. The lots and lots (and lots!) of reading and thinking you've done have failed to produce it - and for one good reason - that God cannot be known in a cerebral way. He uses other ways, that OK - don't sound fair to a human mind.

    But, the something different you are yearning for - to find it - you have to go by ways which are different. I know this sounds obscure - but I believe it holds the key for you hun - and just might be worth persevering with, to get a better handle on. I am not saying you give up the reading and thinking, because this would be impossible (not to mention controlling!) - but the introduction of the awareness that there is yet another way, other than the conclusions you have come to already, is the way forward.

    The reluctance about the atheism is where to start, and a trust in your intuition that the homesickness is able to lead you home to a brighter and better place :)
  12. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    I'm somewhat tactless, and I know that faith is a sensitive issue, so I just want to say that if anything I write below is offensive in any way, I apologise in advance, it is not my intention.

    I'm afraid there is no ambivalence! By "reluctant" I mean that I wish it were true, but there are many things I wish were true. Unfortunately wishing is no basis for belief. I think most atheists are reluctant in this way, very few are happy to be non-believers.

    I promise you that I'm a completely cast-iron, unshakeable, immovable atheist, and I'm sure that your thoughtful and kind intentions would be greatly appreciated by somebody who is open to faith. But that isn't me, I'm afraid. Thanks anyway, I realise that you are only trying to help :)
  13. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    No offence taken at all LS - you have the right to your choices and beliefs. I wish you all the very best for your future. I agree that 'wishing' is no basis for belief. Fortunately, we don't have to rely on "wishes" :)
  14. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    Thank you, honestly, regardless of faith, the world would be a much better place with more people like you :)
  15. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Thank you too LS - was just wondering though, if you would perhaps care to humour me a little bit, because I've never been an atheist...... You write that many atheists are miserable about it, and so....... the human thing being when we're miserable is to find ways to stop what it is that is making us miserable...... if they've nailed down their misery to being an atheist, why do they not change their position and give faith a try? I mean, it seems the logical thing to do??

    But then, as a believer, you may not think I'm logical at all, lol!

    [Not that I've always been a happy believer, by any means.... (but that was not God's fault)...... but the logic behind faith is that everything we see around us in creation could not have just come together the way it did, and does, by chance in an otherwise random and hostile universe. That is why, being miserable has never been sufficient reason for me to stop believing, but to seek deeper insight as the way through (once I got the message that this is the idea.....) :) ]


    Am away for the weekend, so won't be back here till Monday. Time to think it over (if you need any, that is :) )
  16. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    Sure, although again, I'll preface this by saying I'm always wary of these kinds of conversations, because it is all too easy to offend without meaning to. So none of this is intended to be offensive....

    I think most atheists would just rather they weren't atheists (because it's quite a lonely thought). Atheism isn't something I came to lightly. The problem is, I don't think you can "try" faith - either you believe or you don't. I'll use Santa Claus as an example (not that I am in any way saying that Santa Claus is comparable to God, lol), if I said "I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I wish I did" (which is true, I'm a complete child), and somebody said "why don't you try believing in him?", I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried.

    Maybe a better way to look at it, would be to think which would God prefer, that I was a sincere and honest disbeliever, or that I was a dishonest believer?
  17. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    Hi LS, you were very articulate and your post was well written and clear.

    My impression of you is of a man without focus or motivation. You appear educated, go to work, are able to keep your drinking under control and are leading a perfectly normal life, functioning well on the outside but on the inside feel that life is pointless.

    I'm 46, I've missed so many opportunities in my life by just going with the flow. I could have gone to Australia when I was young and single but didn't go. I never had the OOmph to travel or go places or do anything remotely interesting. Forgive me if I'm wrong but I sense that you feel you have no purpose in life and that the utter mundaneness of it all is like an albatross around your neck.

    You are in a good position because of your age. Mature enough to not be reckless but young enough to muster up some get up and go. Your seem to have put your life neatly in a little box where you are just sitting inside fed up with life. Burn that box down and go look outside and discover different things. You've moved away to another country but presumably have taken your old lifestyle with you?

    Have you considered selling your things and going travelling? Or going to work for a charity and work with endangered species, people in poverty or work schemes where no one knows you and you can discover who you really are and what you'd like to do.

    I feel you don't really know who you are. A spark of something will ignite a passion in something as that is the underlying sense I get, that you have no passion about anything.

    For a large amount of time, life is about routine and of course that is fine and many people crave routine. But you seem very intelligent and I wonder if you have suppressed your emotions and have never really let go of yourself. Everything about your life is under control, each day you know what you are doing, but what if that all changed? You would feel exhilarated perhaps?

    Oh maybe I'm just some old bat withering on, but you my man have the world at your feet and if you decide to do something different to get out of the rut you are in then you may just be able to look back at this time and see it as history and that you are now enjoying your life.

    I wish you love and luck in all that you do. X
  18. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I have actually been traveling in the past - I lived in Australia for a while. I have got rid of all my things (except clothes and laptop), and I've been living in France for the last few months, hoping people at home will forget about me. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter where I go, I'm still me. I do have a passion for some things (I'm very interested in history, for example), but really, I've been miserable for as long as I can remember. I'm just trying to build up my courage.
  19. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    OK LS I understand that :) I promise you that, whatever you write I will not take any offense at, - like I said, we are all free to believe what we will. I won't take offense if you won't hun :) If anything I write is offensive to you, you can just say and stop posting :)
  20. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    OK, so we all arrive at our beliefs - and atheism is a set of beliefs, eh? I mean, it is impossible for someone to not believe anything - even if a person believes they don't believe anything, that is still a belief :) So I disagree that it isn't possible to "try" faith, because the thing about beliefs is that they do change - and if believing in God and/or Santa doesn't work for us any more, the truth would be "Well, I used to believe, but I've now changed my mind".

    In answer to your question at the end, God abhors dishonesty, true. He would want you to be true to yourself (should he exist, of course!).....
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