Here goes :unsure: believe it or not this really is the short version! I've missed loads out, including some important stuff I'm really NOT ready to discuss, probably never will.
Apparently I made my first 2 mistakes before I was even born!
1) I am a girl
2) I survived instead of my twin brother.
My mum has never missed an oppurtunity to tell me I wasn't wanted, even now she says it and laughs about it too :dry:
My parents divorced when I was 3 and we moved straight in with my soon to be step-dad. I already had 3 older brothers and my sisters were born when I was 5 and 8.
Between the ages of 6 and 10 my brothers and I were often woken during the night and brought downstairs to watch my Step-dad batter the shit out of my Mum. This was done as a warning, he said everytime "watch carefully, this is what happens when you misbehave!"
When I was 10 we left him. I immediately became housekeeper and Mum to my two sisters. My childhood ended there. I did everything except handle the money. why me? Becos "boys dont do those things!"I didnt have friends for long because i was always too busy being mum. Mum was out working 4 nights a week and the other 3 nights she was out with various bfs. 2 of my brothers often beat me up, not just sibling fighting, I mean proper beatings. If I complained to mum i got a slap for "causing trouble".
At 15 I took my first OD and got a slap for it.
I left school with 10 0'levels and 1 A'level and started a career in nursing. I left home and moved into the nurses home. Despite the fact that mum refused to speak to me, I was happy!!
My 1st daughter was born and I had to move back home. The old life resumed.
A week before my wedding, my 6 yr old nephew died in a house fire. I was gutted.
5 months later my F-I-L died suddenly aged 46, gutted again.
3 months later my gorgeous 2nd daughter Keyleigh Jade was stillborn, there are no words to explain how I felt :cry: I seriously lost it for a while. I took my second OD.
12 mths later my son was born and 19mths after that my 3rd daughter.
I divorced 18 mths later.
My son was diagnosed with ADHD and started getting violent with me and my daughters. My home became a constant war zone. He still threatens us even tho he doesnt live here anymore.
2 yrs ago my friend killed herself, and no matter what anyone says, I still feel responsible for her death. I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital for 7 weeks after a massive OD. during this time my son left home to live with my sister. I started receiving texts and phone calls constantly telling me I was an embarassment to the family from my mum and sisters.
It ended with my Psych calling them to explain about the breakdown. Still dont know what he said to them but, he came back and advised me to stay away from them. I came home and due to other things I ODed again a few months later. I was sectioned and my new Psych told me not to talk about my feeling and my life because it upsets people :ohmy: She said if i want to die i should go away and kill myself quietly.
I stayed away from my mum and sisters for almost 2 years. In november I got a call from my sister, My old uncle was ill. I started talking to them again.
Before christmas A young girl I used to babysit killed herself too :cry:
The same week my uncle was diagnosed with 2 brain tumours and given 2 months to live. Now he lives with my sister who is busy selling everything he owns and spending the money on her own family.
At weekend I found out the only reason they started talking to me again was because they need my nursing experience to help look after my uncle who is fading fast :cry:
Is it any wonder I want to die so badly? I couldnt take another knock :no:
I think I've been through enough, I dont want anymore. Am I wrong?
I hope this explains it a bit.
Lea :hug:
Apparently I made my first 2 mistakes before I was even born!
1) I am a girl
2) I survived instead of my twin brother.
My mum has never missed an oppurtunity to tell me I wasn't wanted, even now she says it and laughs about it too :dry:
My parents divorced when I was 3 and we moved straight in with my soon to be step-dad. I already had 3 older brothers and my sisters were born when I was 5 and 8.
Between the ages of 6 and 10 my brothers and I were often woken during the night and brought downstairs to watch my Step-dad batter the shit out of my Mum. This was done as a warning, he said everytime "watch carefully, this is what happens when you misbehave!"
When I was 10 we left him. I immediately became housekeeper and Mum to my two sisters. My childhood ended there. I did everything except handle the money. why me? Becos "boys dont do those things!"I didnt have friends for long because i was always too busy being mum. Mum was out working 4 nights a week and the other 3 nights she was out with various bfs. 2 of my brothers often beat me up, not just sibling fighting, I mean proper beatings. If I complained to mum i got a slap for "causing trouble".
At 15 I took my first OD and got a slap for it.
I left school with 10 0'levels and 1 A'level and started a career in nursing. I left home and moved into the nurses home. Despite the fact that mum refused to speak to me, I was happy!!
My 1st daughter was born and I had to move back home. The old life resumed.
A week before my wedding, my 6 yr old nephew died in a house fire. I was gutted.
5 months later my F-I-L died suddenly aged 46, gutted again.
3 months later my gorgeous 2nd daughter Keyleigh Jade was stillborn, there are no words to explain how I felt :cry: I seriously lost it for a while. I took my second OD.
12 mths later my son was born and 19mths after that my 3rd daughter.
I divorced 18 mths later.
My son was diagnosed with ADHD and started getting violent with me and my daughters. My home became a constant war zone. He still threatens us even tho he doesnt live here anymore.
2 yrs ago my friend killed herself, and no matter what anyone says, I still feel responsible for her death. I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital for 7 weeks after a massive OD. during this time my son left home to live with my sister. I started receiving texts and phone calls constantly telling me I was an embarassment to the family from my mum and sisters.
It ended with my Psych calling them to explain about the breakdown. Still dont know what he said to them but, he came back and advised me to stay away from them. I came home and due to other things I ODed again a few months later. I was sectioned and my new Psych told me not to talk about my feeling and my life because it upsets people :ohmy: She said if i want to die i should go away and kill myself quietly.
I stayed away from my mum and sisters for almost 2 years. In november I got a call from my sister, My old uncle was ill. I started talking to them again.
Before christmas A young girl I used to babysit killed herself too :cry:
The same week my uncle was diagnosed with 2 brain tumours and given 2 months to live. Now he lives with my sister who is busy selling everything he owns and spending the money on her own family.
At weekend I found out the only reason they started talking to me again was because they need my nursing experience to help look after my uncle who is fading fast :cry:
Is it any wonder I want to die so badly? I couldnt take another knock :no:
I think I've been through enough, I dont want anymore. Am I wrong?
I hope this explains it a bit.
Lea :hug: