ME.... poss trigger

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Leiaha, Feb 5, 2009.

  1. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Here goes :unsure: believe it or not this really is the short version! I've missed loads out, including some important stuff I'm really NOT ready to discuss, probably never will.

    Apparently I made my first 2 mistakes before I was even born!
    1) I am a girl
    2) I survived instead of my twin brother.
    My mum has never missed an oppurtunity to tell me I wasn't wanted, even now she says it and laughs about it too :dry:
    My parents divorced when I was 3 and we moved straight in with my soon to be step-dad. I already had 3 older brothers and my sisters were born when I was 5 and 8.
    Between the ages of 6 and 10 my brothers and I were often woken during the night and brought downstairs to watch my Step-dad batter the shit out of my Mum. This was done as a warning, he said everytime "watch carefully, this is what happens when you misbehave!"

    When I was 10 we left him. I immediately became housekeeper and Mum to my two sisters. My childhood ended there. I did everything except handle the money. why me? Becos "boys dont do those things!"I didnt have friends for long because i was always too busy being mum. Mum was out working 4 nights a week and the other 3 nights she was out with various bfs. 2 of my brothers often beat me up, not just sibling fighting, I mean proper beatings. If I complained to mum i got a slap for "causing trouble".
    At 15 I took my first OD and got a slap for it.

    I left school with 10 0'levels and 1 A'level and started a career in nursing. I left home and moved into the nurses home. Despite the fact that mum refused to speak to me, I was happy!!
    My 1st daughter was born and I had to move back home. The old life resumed.

    A week before my wedding, my 6 yr old nephew died in a house fire. I was gutted.

    5 months later my F-I-L died suddenly aged 46, gutted again.

    3 months later my gorgeous 2nd daughter Keyleigh Jade was stillborn, there are no words to explain how I felt :cry: I seriously lost it for a while. I took my second OD.

    12 mths later my son was born and 19mths after that my 3rd daughter.

    I divorced 18 mths later.

    My son was diagnosed with ADHD and started getting violent with me and my daughters. My home became a constant war zone. He still threatens us even tho he doesnt live here anymore.

    2 yrs ago my friend killed herself, and no matter what anyone says, I still feel responsible for her death. I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital for 7 weeks after a massive OD. during this time my son left home to live with my sister. I started receiving texts and phone calls constantly telling me I was an embarassment to the family from my mum and sisters.
    It ended with my Psych calling them to explain about the breakdown. Still dont know what he said to them but, he came back and advised me to stay away from them. I came home and due to other things I ODed again a few months later. I was sectioned and my new Psych told me not to talk about my feeling and my life because it upsets people :eek:hmy: She said if i want to die i should go away and kill myself quietly.
    I stayed away from my mum and sisters for almost 2 years. In november I got a call from my sister, My old uncle was ill. I started talking to them again.

    Before christmas A young girl I used to babysit killed herself too :cry:
    The same week my uncle was diagnosed with 2 brain tumours and given 2 months to live. Now he lives with my sister who is busy selling everything he owns and spending the money on her own family.

    At weekend I found out the only reason they started talking to me again was because they need my nursing experience to help look after my uncle who is fading fast :cry:

    Is it any wonder I want to die so badly? I couldnt take another knock :no:
    I think I've been through enough, I dont want anymore. Am I wrong?

    I hope this explains it a bit.

    Lea :hug:
  2. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    This is a lot to handle being on your own, and i realize that you dont want anymore. It explains a lot, thank you for sharing!

    I think that it would be best to move away from your family, your psych (really, he is a horrible one, and i wouldnt go to him ever again, i would get a new one and report him) and start life "over" again. maybe make your new number out of the phone book so that they cant find you and bug you anymore.

    I'm sorry if this sounds terribly rude, but your family is a tad bit selfish if you ask me. they should be wanting to help out instead of using you for your nursing.

    :hug: I'm here if you wanna talk.
  3. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    i know that this must have been so hard for you to post but am glad that you did it because hopefully that it released maybe just a little bit of pressure off you :hug:

    taylors right, you should try to get a new psych and report him to the authorities because no way should a psych ever say that to a patient. they are meant to help you.. not make you worse! but then again maybe your psych saying for you to stay away from your family he knew full well that they were part of the problem and didnt want to see you get worse so in that way maybe he did good

    but i can tell you for a fact now that your definitly wanted and that you shouldnt listen to your mother or anyone else who says that you arent because they seriously dont realise how wonderful a person you are

    am so proud of you for sharing and anytime you want to talk im always a pm away :hug:
  4. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    I know that must have been hard to write all that down. Thank you for sharing all that with us. Its hardly surprising your feeling the way you are after everything but don't listen to your mother saying your not wanted try and block it out you you are wanted hun so many people care for you here. Ok we are not your family but we still care.
    And you really should report that psych he had no right saying that to someone who's suicidal he should be struck off for that they are meant to help not make you feel worse. And I do agree with others who have said to stay away from your family as they are certainly not helping the situation they are making things worse for you.
    Don't think that you are on your own we are all here for you I'm only a pm away if you ever want to talk. In the meantime I want to send you some :hug: for been so brave in writing all this down
  5. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    you can turn it around leia i have faith in you. get more support, cut away your family when your uncle passes xx
  6. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I went to see my uncle today at my sisters house, mum was there too. was just one big 2 hour confirmation of everything....... :depressed:

    They sure know how to knock someone down :dry:

    And Uncle earnie is sooooo poorly now, it scares me...... I'm scared!