I live with the suicidal thoughts and urges 24/7. Some days they are tucked behind everything else. But most times like tonight they are all I have. I cant quiet them. My thoughts and urges are to me like a normal person would think out and plan all that they have to do that day. Or run chore lists through their mind. So I sit here trying to fight them. Then the all too familiar plot plays out. I get the things I need to attempt and have them near and ready. Then I isolate even deeper and try to hold on. That is where I am right now. I know the thoughts and urges are winning horribly tonight. But I'm alone and they are my best friend right now. I listen to them because they are the one constant in my life and never desert me. I dont want them to win but then again about now I start to lose the fight badly. And I really believe that it is the one and only solution. Best out of everything else that anyone is offering right now. I may end up going to bed or I'll start cutting or I'll start dabbling with the tools of my method. Always seems to start this way and never sure how it will end.