Me... right now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, May 18, 2009.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I live with the suicidal thoughts and urges 24/7. Some days they are tucked behind everything else. But most times like tonight they are all I have. I cant quiet them. My thoughts and urges are to me like a normal person would think out and plan all that they have to do that day. Or run chore lists through their mind.
    So I sit here trying to fight them. Then the all too familiar plot plays out. I get the things I need to attempt and have them near and ready. Then I isolate even deeper and try to hold on. That is where I am right now. I know the thoughts and urges are winning horribly tonight. But I'm alone and they are my best friend right now.
    I listen to them because they are the one constant in my life and never desert me. I dont want them to win but then again about now I start to lose the fight badly. And I really believe that it is the one and only solution. Best out of everything else that anyone is offering right now. I may end up going to bed or I'll start cutting or I'll start dabbling with the tools of my method. Always seems to start this way and never sure how it will end.
  2. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    Whenever I have those feelings, I do research on methods. It gives me the illusion I'm going somewhere... Of course it might just make it all more problematic. Ironically, all this research, for me at least, makes me less likely to attempt - I'm always looking for the better method and couldn't bring myself to do something drastic knowing how poorly acting on the ideation can end... and more often NOT end at all.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Carla I know the feelings all to well... Thats why I tell you to talk to me when you get like this.. You know I am a safety net and won't let you fall..My hand is always there to try and pick you back up..
  4. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi Carla, the 24/7 struggle is always hard even when we hide the thoughts behind other things. Sometimes we all need that support more than at other times. Don't forget that there are people here who care about you. We are all here to help and support each other. Simon.
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