Me, the Gigantic Fuck Up

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by pisces-music-girl, Jul 30, 2007.

  1. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    [Change my attempt
    Good intentions]

    I tried to help. I swear to God I did. It just seems, especially lately, that the more I help, the more I fuck it up.

    Interested? Read more... be warned, this will be a multiple post story...

    This all occurred at work.

    So, I’m very good friends with this girl, Allie, who’s 17, (I’m changing names), at work. She and her boyfriend Zach, who’s 20, were having problems. He was being, for lack of a better word, pretty stupid. She told me last Monday that he was telling how he thought these other girls were attractive and such, so she was understandably upset.

    She told me that he feels like he’s judging her, he wants her to change, he’s comparing her to other girls, etc. Now Allie didn’t want to tell him this upset her. Which is pretty stupid, I mean, every relationship needs work and communication. I told her that they needed to talk it out, so she wrote him a note that was basically, Hey, I’ve been MIA, I’ll talk to you about that later. I’m probably just being paranoid but whatever. Love, Allie. I was given the duty of passing it on to him.

    He read the note and got pretty mad. He looked at me and said that she was being ridiculous, since he loves her. He wanted to know what was going on with her. Of course, since I am stupid, I did not notice that this question was rhetorical. So I told him the bare facts: she feels confused, she knows that you’re not judging her and that you don’t want her to change, but she feels that anyway. And then he got mad at me, to which I said, hey, don’t shoot me: I’m the messenger. And then he got madder and said, Yeah, well, I’m telling her that you said this.

    And I was like, whatever, but then I was in a pretty miserable mood for the rest of the night, because I was afraid that I was gonna break them up.

    Tuesday passes.

    On Wednesday, when I’m working again, Allie’s very upset. I ask her what’s wrong, since she’s absolute crap at disgusing her feelings (since she kept saying that she was fine and happy. Bullshit, Allie). And then she told me her and Zach broke up. I was completely shocked, and I asked why.

    Because he said you said
    … you can guess from there… but why did you do it?

    Because, Allie, look, I’m not gonna lie. When he asks what’s going on with you, I’m going to tell the truth. All I told him was blah blah blah- the bare minimum.

    So she was like, okay, and things were fine. Then I proceeded to tell her about my friend Ellie (my age), who got herself pregnant at the expense of her 28 year old boyfriend. I was in a state of emotional distress and confusion, since all I did was manage to piss both Ellie and Kathy off.
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Later on that day, another coworker, Alexis (20 years old) was concerned about Allie. I told her that she and Zach broke up, so she was upset, and I was afraid it was my fault. Alexis (comforting for once) told me I was being ridiculous and it had nothing to do with me. Their communication issues were their problem.

    Thursday, things are fine. Friday, I see Allie again- she’s okay, basically. We have a normal work day, giggling about stupid things. Saturday passes without much incident, and Sunday I don’t work.

    Today’s Monday, and here’s where things get hellish.

    Allie tells me that Zach and her got back together, since they were nearly broken up. I was very happy.

    Another coworker, Beth, is also working. At some point during the day, she drags me downstairs to do “stocking”. I’m assuming that this is about her mini-crush on Walt. But it’s not.

    She tells me that she was working one night and Zach told her she’s hot. And she told me that she responded that she thought he was attractive, too. And then she says, well, I won’t date you. I love Allie and I won’t do this to her.

    So then she asks me for advice, seen as they’re both working Wednesday night together. I tell her to keep things very friendly and non-flirty, and if he tries anything, set him straight. She wants to know if we should tell Allie.

    I thought about this for a minute. I said not yet, since Zach and Allie are going through rough times. She gets this horrified look and says, what do you mean? (And what am I going to do, lie?) I say that this sort of thing has been happening, and I certainly don’t think it’s fair. She gets even more horrified, so in order to calm her down, I say, they were broken up, but they worked it out. It’s still fresh so let’s not bother it right now.

    You won’t tell Allie, will you?

    Of course not.

    And then we start to talk about the cute boys (and I admit I think his one boy is very cute, very nice, though my friend told me a stupid lie about him [that he hits, which is bullshit] who turns out to be her cousin) who work in the arcade, and the subject is pretty much over.

    Or so I thought.
  3. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Later on upstairs, Allie is talking to Bob (who wants to date her, but he has a girlfriend) and Marty (who I think likes me). They dress Marty in all pink, we have a good laugh, and we take pictures. And then they disappear to a remote corner of the gift shop. They stay there for a while, while I’m behind the register at the opposite end of the store, while my manager (Joy, 21 years old) and Beth sent joke-illicit text messages to their friends.

    And then Allie comes up to me, leans in my ear, and says she wants to talk to me about something. I agree, promising to get away when I get a chance. I think it’s about Marty, since he’s been flirting very obviously lately, and I’ve been a little cold towards his advances (because the last thing I wanted was for him to get the wrong idea).

    So then in the back, she asks me what Beth and I talked about downstairs. I say I can’t tell her, it’s not my story to tell. She persists and gets paranoid, asking me over and over if it’s about Zach.

    I’m getting annoyed, and starting to feel like I’m getting cornered (God, was I ever right). So finally I say, Yes, it’s about Zach. But you’re going to have to ask Beth for more. So I call Beth over, and Allie gets all frantic, No! Don’t call her over!

    Allie, it’s not my story to tell. If anyone should tell you, it should be her.

    No, tell me! Beth, go away!

    And this continues for a minute until I sigh and say, Alright

    Allie’s shocked. More than shocked. She’s downright mad. I can tell, even though she’s not showing it. And she gets the wrong idea.

    So Beth wants to date Zach?! She’s trying to get with him?

    No, listen to me. He advanced, she just said, yeah, you’re cute but you’re taken and I’m not doing this to Allie.

    And she just keeps repeating She wants to date him, doesn’t she? And I just keep replying, No, listen, she doesn’t.

    And finally I’ve had it with this conversation. I see Beth, who’s looking confused and a little shocked.

    And then… everything is jumbled. Next thing I remember Beth is right in front of us, going, I can’t believe you, Jess! How could you?!

    I (Inwardly go, oh shiiiit) don’t remember what I said. I tried to set things straight. Listen, she wouldn’t let you tell her, so what am I gonna do, lie? That makes things worse in the end!
    And we continue on like this- I can’t believe you Jess. I can’t tell lies, I don’t lie to my friends- you lied because you promised you wouldn’t tell (Somewhere in this conversation, Joy walks in, looks at all of us, we all look at her, silent for once and she walks away, and they start in on me again) Yeah but- No buts you said you wouldnt tell her- you said you wouldn’t tell me!-

    Next thing I know, I’m stumbling to the counter, I grab my iPod and stammer to Joy, I’m going downstairs to… stock… something. She’s not stupid, she knows that I’m distressed right now, so she tells me to take my time.

    So I stumble through the arcade, with shaking fingers I punch the access code to the employee entrance so I can get downstairs, and I stumble down the staircase. The door’s locked. My other manager, Jake, is there with my boss, Robbie. I ask Jake for the key (my voice is shaking, but I’m not crying). He says sure, I stumble up the stairs and miraculously I don’t drop the key when he throws it, but Charlie (the main floor attendant) has opened the door for me Here, Jess- so I run the key back to Jake, I fly through the door, tripping on stray pieces of cardboard, run down the “shoe aisle”, flip my iPod open to my playlist of sad songs, and I sink down into the concrete and I start to cry with Eleanor Rigby blasting through my ears.
  4. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    I make it through Eleanor Rigby (where do all the lonely people come from? They piss off their friends, and then therefore they have none) and I’m starting on Because of You (God be damned if I make this mistake of opening my mouth again) when I notice Joy is looking for me. Our eyes finally meet, and she notices that I’m crying –sobbing, actually- and she’s like, what’s wrong?

    So against my better judgment I tell her exactly what went down, since last Monday. She agrees with me, a relationship needs communication, they should have been straight with each other, he did WHAT to Beth, oh, honey, I’m sorry it went like that.

    I’m telling her all of this while sucking in for air, crying really hard, and I’m still shaking.

    I say just wait it out. Wait for this to blow over. Apologize in a little while, like on Wednesday when you all work with Allie, and you’ll see Beth before the night shift.

    I agree. I will apologize, I was planning on waiting for this to blow over first. And… can I work in the arcade for a while, please? I just don’t want to go in there for a while, I am going on vacation for the weekend.

    She promises to talk to Jeff about that…

    So she digs out a towel that was for sale and gives it to me to wipe my face, since my mascara is running down it. She tells me to get myself back together, I ask her for a few more minutes, she agrees, and she leaves.

    So I flip open to another playlist (one that’s not mad, sad or happy, but in between) and I’m listening to the Goo Goo Dolls Better Days, trying to convince myself this will blow over. But I’m crying again, gripping the worn wood of the shelves, and I hear Beth and Allie running downstairs, and since I can only hear the tone of their voices, it sounds like they’re arguing at each other.

    I think that they won’t hear me. Wrong. My music, though on headphones, is really loud and I’m still gasping for air.

    And then I sense something behind me. I turn, it’s them.

    They start in on me again. How could you, how could you, how could you.
    Allie says, How can I ever trust you again, Jess? I trusted to not to blab mine and Zach’s problems to the world, how did everyone find out he told me he loved me?

    I’m sorry, listen I-

    And they’re starting in on me, and I have this wild urge to whip out my cellphone and see if it’s time to go home yet.

    But I don’t, since that will really piss them off, so I try to tell them.

    I was trying to fix things. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. (I’m basically sobbing now, tears are trailing down my cheeks but they don’t care)

    Beth- Don’t fix things. You think you’re making them better but you’re making them worse.

    Me, still crying- Reguardless, I’m trying to fix things, I’m sorry, because I care about both of you-

    Beth- Bullshit. If you cared you wouldn’t blab.

    Me, now blathering- I’m not blabbing. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry, I’m just trying to fix things- you know what? I realize I’m a gigantic fuck up and I always have been. I try to make things better but instead I just fuck them up.

    And then they get exasperated.

    Beth- Don’t try and fix things, you make them worse.
  5. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    ::and somehow the conversation gets warped here::

    Me- It’s been like this for weeks, I don’t know what’s gotten into me, look, I’m sorry.
    Somehow the conversation ends up like this.

    You can’t fix things, Jess.

    Yes, I can.

    Beth- No you ca-

    ((Now I drag SF into the equation))


    However, this just pisses Beth off.

    SUICIDE?! (she twirls around with her hands in the air. Allie remains staring at me) This has nothing to do with suicide!

    (Me, mentally: You’ve got no idea, bitch) Look, unrelated, I know, I’m sorry. All I can keep saying is I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you don’t’ believe I’m sorry, but I really am. You’ve got to believe me there.

    And they go on about how they can’t trust me anymore, how dare I do that to them, and I just continue sobbing and stammering I’m sorry, please believe that I’m sorry, you don’t have to forgive me, but they keep interrupting me telling me I’ve got stop blabbing other people’s problems to the world.

    I don’t blab them to the world. I tell one person, mostly Joy, because sooner or later she finds out anyway. If someone overhears…

    And then they keep going on like this. I’d been realizing that the conversation was going in circles, so I just say,

    You know what? I can’t do this anymore. All I can say is I’m sorry, okay?

    So I leave, elbowing past them and shaking. I walk out of the basement door and it’s a miracle- Joy is coming down the steps, she sees my face. Other people are there… but…

    What’s wrong?
    THEY CAME AFTER ME! (Now I’m hysterical and sobbing into her shoulder)


    They (gasp) came (gasp) after me and (gasp) (gasp) they started in on me…

    My memory goes blank a little around there. Next thing I remember, Joy is leading me back, going, let’s sort this out, I’m like, okay…

    So Allie and Beth have moved to where the sweatshirts are kept and they stare at me and Joy. The way it’s set up, it’s like me and Joy vs. Allie and Beth, only I know that this is between me and Allie and Beth.

    And now I’m crying again, and Joy wants to know what’s wrong, so I tell her (and they’re interjecting, but Joy’s listening to me I’m the only one crying).

    Next thing I can remember, I’m getting very hysterical because we’re just fighting in circles again, me sobbing that I’m sorry (I’m not even fighting back)…

    Joy’s like, I can’t deal with this, so she walks away, which is when Beth goes, you know what, Jess?
    I just look at her.

    The whole thing’s a joke.
  6. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Me: …….. (I’m starting to think that this has been an elaborate plan in motion for a week now, that Allie and Zach were never really in trouble…)

    Allie speaks up. It’s been a prank. We wanted to see if you would shoot off your mouth.
    Me: ……. What?

    Some people- I’m not telling you who, but a few of them, all gift shop night shift (which, actually, really narrows it down) are surpsied that Allie can tell you everything and you just blab it.

    So we made up the thing about Zach hitting on me!

    Allie speaks up. You tell me stuff and I don’t tell anyone. I expected the same.

    And now, I’m shaking really hard… they’re starting in on me again, insinuating that I’m a gossiper…

    When finally Joy steps in (where has she been?) and says, Enough.

    Allie and Beth look confused.

    I said it’s been enough. This prank has gone too far.

    And they look at me, each other, then Joy. And they obviously are trying to defend their lengthening of the joke.

    And Joy basically kicks them out, but Beth lags behind.

    One second I’m standing up, facing one way. The next second I’m sinking down onto a box, looking the other way and staring at Beth, tears sliding down my face. I’m still clutching the towel Joy gave me earlier.

    And I don’t remember what Beth is saying, only that she’s still trying to defend herself.

    Another manager has come down with Joy, her name is Kelly, she’s about Joy’s age- and she sees me bawling my eyes out so she naturally wants to know what’s wrong…

    (But the look on her face says that she knows exactly what’s going on)
  7. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Finally I lose my head completely, yelling at Beth, You know what? My friend got pregnant by her twenty-eight-year old boyfriend who has a wife and kid (Oh, the shock on their faces). I tried to calm her down but all I did was piss her off. So look, this sort of thing has happened. And I’m sorry I’m sorry… (now I’m crying too hard to continue)

    Finally Beth leaves, after Joy basically says, Go punch out NOW. Joy gets me water. I drink it, tyring to choke since I still can’t breathe too well. My mind is going in circles- what prank oh my god the essays I can’t write them now I’ve got to get to SF RIGHT NOW- and Joy tells me that she’d been in on it.

    I forgive her immeadiatly and I tell her so. I forgive her because I know she’d do the same for me (only I don’t pull pranks. I confront face-to-face).

    If I had known it was going to go this far, and that they’d make you cry like this, I would have put a stop to it. Only I don’t want to overstep Jake, I don’t work the dayshift normally…

    Yeah, I understand (Incoherent sobbing).

    Kelly also joins in… we all fuck up eventually. Learning not to get involved is a hard lesson to learn. I don’t talk to most of my friends but I’m still involved in all of their fights.
    Joy agrees, yeah, I did the same thing you did, Jess, when I was your age. I tried to make things better but I just messed it up and I got all of my friends mad at me all at once.

    Are my eyes red?

    -laughter- Really, really red.

    Beth comes back downstairs. I’m sorry… Jess…

    Then she starts playing a song on her cellphone in a very misguided attempt to cheer me up, and she dances to it. Kelly and Joy laugh, but the look on their faces is really saying, Just go away, Beth.

    Me: I don’t blame you. Believe me when I say I’m not mad at either of you. I deserve this.
    Joy: Don’t say that. No one deserves this.

    Eventually I get to leaving… red eyes and all… Joy got my purse and I call home.

    I tell my dad, who asks me if I’m alright, that I had horrendous allergies. ((I look it too, red eyes, sniffing nose, red face))

    And… I got home, ate dinner, wrote some of my essay, then came here.

    It’s going to be an awful long night.
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry this happened to you, and if I were you I would tell every one of those bitches to fuck right off. Okay, so they played a prank, big deal. But then they let it go WAY too far even after you were already sobbing and apologizing. Not cool. This was very unkind and I think you should confront them about it when you are feeling calm and rational. I hope you feel better :)
  9. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Thanks, as so far you're the only one who posted a reply.

    I stopped being in a state of, "oh, they hate me, okay... wow! chicken!" about three hours ago, and I started seeing red.

    I probably will confront them later.

    I care too much, I get too involved, and then I fuck it up. but I don't lie.
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    They shouldn't have done that to you at all, but I hope you can learn a little from this. When you get involved with other peoples problems and issues like this a great deal of care must be taken. I hope in the future you are able to just stay out of things completely and avoid the heartache for all those around.
  11. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    I figured that everyone learns this lesson eventually: don't get too involved.

    It all stems from me caring too much, actually. I can't bear it if other people are unhappy so I try to fix it for them...

    And sometimes I mess it up.

    ((A fault and a virtue, I think...))