Me, the whats in mylife-Triggering

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by jimk, Sep 15, 2011.

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  1. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    am Jim and i am almost 65 yrs old now.. this may all be really troubling to some members here so take care..

    Trigger Trigger

    some people should nnot have children and this should have been my parents.. the abuse started right off the womb for me.. earliest memories are about age 5.. according to me sister i started dissociating about then.. just couldnot stay there and had to run.. spent most of those day checked out into limbo land.. sexual abuse, physical abuse , verbal abuse all the timne...

    got out of there age 17 when a doctor finally noticed me.. did not take more htann a good look at me by him for him to know just how serious this all was. also him meeting my parents was eniuf. he backed me and i became a legally emanicated minor with his help

    moved into a supported living facility and finished high school..first tried some jobs.. got a scholarship to college and had some mild success there..

    problem was initial attempts with a shrink and therapist were not something i could do at all.. i am damaged goods.. very hard to trust people and not constantly being on alert. DID. OCD Depression Schizophrenia and a multifaceted or nonfaceted mental ill mess.

    met my wife to be at the next supported living arrangement i was placed in after a 2 month stay at the county booby hatch hospital with the DID amd paranoidschizophrfenic epidemic in me.. katie's family owned the business nad facilities at half way house.. her mother was horrifed that she wanted to associate with me.. LOL another post and time.. turned out katie and i had a lot in common which over all the years slowly we became aware of..

    we married not too much later.. we had a son aka zoomies . we both with a college education worked in the facility taking care of people very much like us.. john turned out to be disabled with autism which we recognized early cause we were taking care of young adults just like him..

    lots of walls and doors around katie and me between us during the years we lived together. many too painful places we just could not go into with anyone.. we separated in 1990 adn she got her own apartment.. many psychiatric hospitalizations then for her... zoomies nhad i visited her often there at first..

    katie got a psychiatrist then that she still sees to this day.. helped her a heck of a lot. nice man. adn competant. i worked last to 1990.. zoomies nad i did broke for many years after that.. things changed around 2000.. an inheritance from grandma happened once my parents were also dead.. we no longer had to choose whether to have heat and electricity or to eat..

    i went back to the HMO adn their mental health center i had been using while i was working.. first off i got a good therapist Tara.. 8 yrs later i still see her every couple of months.. meds are working most of the day.. depression still sneaks in most afternoons.. zooms and i go to bed early most nights and he sleeps straight thru and i wake at 1 or 2 am and the world looks a lot better with antidepressants actively working.. the dissociations are happenign much less these days.. have learned to trust other people adn lot of time i feel safe..

    been colllecting things forever.. first records, then books and 8 tracks.. computers and video equipment.. dvds aplenty.. on a mission to own every dvd known to humans.. getting there...LOL smoke marlboros. a former druggie and boozer.. been clean of hard liquor and drugs for more than 32 yrs now. katie and zoooms and i had a sitdown years ago where i was told teh habits or my wife and son???? i choose right.

    Katie and i divorced friendly in 1996.. she still runs a business looking after adults like zooms. she will not get married again probably. me too.. some of the walls and doors for both of us still in place now.. we take care of our son adn try our best to look after ourselves on a day to day basis..

    truthfully, sometimes the past still comes back and grabs me tightly where the hurt resides. doing much better these days but will never totally forget.. Jim
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Jim: It sounds like you have overcame a lot and that you are doing so much better; so glad to hear that. How is your son doing? It also sounds like you and he have a close relationship which is fortunate for both of you. Continued success and please let us know how you are doing
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Jim nice to have you here hun reaching out for support Just know everyone here is kind okay and noone judges you here. I do hope to see you around often hun hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles:
     
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    thank you sadeyes and eclipse.. doing this post hurt some this morning. it is now said some subjects i will not go to much in the future on here. therapist tara n i have an agreement some things just to darmn painful to revisit.. task is to fill my glass with good stuff and just move on the best i can..

    zoomies is johnny.. don't think this breaks any of the rules on here.. mommie, daddy adn john are doing much better these days.. we do love to each other to the best of our abilities.. out in public some each day and do pretty good there.. i love being around people and getting to really know them.. that is wondrful..considering john and i hid from the world for almost 12 yrs not so long ago.. Jim and John
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think it is wonderful you and John are getting out in the world hun and enjoying living You have so much to give Jim i hope you don't harm again hun You know who you are you are a compassionate caring person and you only deserve that back hun Just know i care and so do others okay hugs
     
  6. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    the old days are a knockin' at my door early this morning.. johnny decided to wake up for the day a bit ago.. his company is really appreciated rite now..

    it has been since august 24th that i last dissociated.. think that this manner of escape is no more now.. got real mixed feelings on this..

    i have got to learn how to grieve and just plain go there with therapist tara soon.. i need to feel and just plain cry till my tear ducts stop the tears.. the old times keep coming back to me and facing this with some good help at my side seems imperative and urgently needed..

    images of my dad and mom come rite at me many times a day now... not in a threatening mannyer or in flashbacks.. they just there often. no hate from me, just regret a plenty that things were the way they were..

    i want so bad to be able to cry now.. just can't go there yet.. in therapy sessions always putting on the happy carefree mannerisms.. what the fuck am i so very scared of????? Jim
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i hope your therapist is able to draw that pain out of you jim dam mine can get me crying sometimes It is good to just trust your Therapist and just let tears flow let us know how it goes okay hugs
     
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