Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Entoloma43, Jun 8, 2007.

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  1. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    I apologize for this being a bit lengthy so I understand if no one replies.

    I have two reasons for typing this:
    1. For myself as an experiment. I’ve been told and read, writing (or typing in my case) my thoughts could help.
    2. To see if anyone can give me some advice, suggestions, etc..

    I’m unsure how to begin this, so I’ll first give background information about myself. I attempted suicide 10 months ago (I’m 17 now), thinking death could serve as a relief, or if I failed, I would still achieve relief by being able to start fresh. Unfortunately my failure only brought hatred and a thirst for vengeance for those who have wronged me. Before I only had suicidal thoughts, now I have suicidal and homicidal thoughts. These thoughts have not progressed into plans.

    I was removed from my home and thrown into a psychiatric facility against my will. At first I went into this place with a positive thoughts and a want to change my outlook on life. However, day one of group therapy, the therapists laughed at me because I could not provide a simple reason for my attempt and was deemed a liar by the other patients because of this. Afterwards I realized I had to deceive everyone if I ever wanted to leave anytime soon. I provided non-fiction events and used them as fake excuses for my actions because I would lose privileges and increase my time being there if not, or just laughed at. I remained there for 5 days. (Seemed like 5 weeks)
    I learned two useful things from there:
    1. Plan more carefully to avoid places like that
    2. How to sleep sitting in a chair

    I was then put into an out-patient therapy, where the therapist would ask random questions for an hour. I convinced my parents it was doing nothing other than wasting their money so I stopped going after three or four times. I was also placed on drugs which only made me agitated and shaky so I was taken off of those as well.

    After all of this I tried doing things my own way, I began talking to people more, (I’m usually a shy and quiet person so no one bothers to get to know me, and I lack the motivation to get to know others), working out, setting short term and long term goals, finding things to do to keep busy, etc.. This worked for a little while, however the few friends I had drifted away due being busy in their own life and problems and whatnot.

    After going back to school, the teachers, as expected showed no sympathy despite being absent for over two weeks and knowing I was in the hospital and on some sort of medication. Out of approximately 144 students, two asked where I have been. I said I didn’t want to talk about since I would be labeled psychotic or crazy most likely and it was never brought up again.

    So here’s my current situation, I don’t have anyone I can comfortably talk to, I have suicidal and disturbing homicidal thoughts (won’t go into detail), and unwilling to go into some sort of therapy again. I am open to advice or suggestions or anything. I’m hesitant to post all of this since last time I tried this, almost no one gave advice and blew me off.

    Thank you for anyone who took the time to read all of this.
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome to Sf, I'm glad you have written your thoughts here, did you find it helped to write them down, it often does.
    You have had a difficult time over the last 10 months, how were you before this?
    Why are you unwilling to try therapy again, is there a therapy facility in your school?

    I sincerely hope this wasn't on Sf, if it was then please accept my apologizes.

    Please continue to post your thoughts and feelings on Sf. I hope you find the help and support you need here.

    Hazel x
  3. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    I don't think writing the thoughts down helped much, other than maybe helped organize them a bit, but just seeing you reply did.

    Before these 10 months, I had more suicidal thoughts than I do now. I began having them in 9th grade, then didn't tell anyone and in 10th grade I made a plan but waited to see if things would get better next year, then I attempted in 11th grade.

    I'm not completely unwilling to try therapy again, however I don't believe it would help for a few reasons.
    1. I tried once and didn't seem to help
    2. There are no specific external events that I know of that have caused me to think as I do. I believe it to be more of a mental thing that's just there. For example, (I know this isn't a homicidal forum but I think it would help better understand), sometimes I want to be a good person and help someone, I've considered my employment to do anything that helps others, then sometimes I just want to kill people (Not in a sense that I'm frustrated, but as in I really do and fantasize ways of doing it). I'm not a violent person to others, nor am I in violent environments, just violent thoughts at times.
    3. Although I know this is a stereotype, I feel therapists can't really relate and are only there until you stop paying them. This of course doesn't apply to all of them.
    4. It's awkward/uncomfortable expressing myself to one, since I don't know them, plus the lack of trust from not knowing them also.

    I'm unsure if theres a therapy facility in my school. I'm on summer vacation at the moment so I guess I could check next year or check the home page or something.

    The comment about the forums I should have been a bit more specific, it wasn't the SF forums.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I am sorry to hear about the struggles you have been through this past year. i am glad to see that you are reaching out for help. I hope it truly did help you to try and write some of the things down that are bothering you. We will try to the best of out abilities to support you here. We may not always have advice or the right answers for you, but we will try to help if we can. please take care of yourself. :hug:
  5. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Hey, heh.

    Alright, well. I may not be too much help, I usually never am, and as I've never been in this kind of position before, I have no experience. All I can offer is what I think, with my own (crappy) discerning skills.

    It seems like you've been through quite a bit... who exactly do you 'fantasize' about killing? I find it interesting... bleh, well. I have similar thoughts, occasionally, about one particular... 'friend'. But yeah, it seems like mine are just a passing phase, it sort of fluctuates alot. Is that how yours are like? Do you REALLY want them dead, as in, you've thought about the consequences, decided it's worth it, planned their deaths, etc.? What have these people done to you? Are they simply ignorant or annoying to you, or have they really done something for you to hold a grudge against?

    Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be asking these questions...

    As I understand it, those sort of thoughts are just... well, more self-created fantasies, I mean, not really a reality, not really a 'hope' or a 'dream' that you'd really want.

    Don't worry, we're all sorta in the same boat. I'm sure there are particular people who have the murderous thought at times. As long as you can control yourself when the... urges come.

    I hope you are feeling better now. Make some more friends, get to know some people. If you are shy and quiet by nature, maybe the internet? Forums? Heh, there are some awesome people here, friends who will stick by and really care.

    Just don't put yourself down too much. Find something to love... a person, a hobby, an obsession, a thing... anything. Find something to live for...

    Good luck to you.
  6. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    It's more of a fluctuating thing also. Generally, when I'm alone it's suicidal thoughts, then when I'm with a lot of people, it's homicidal.

    One in particular is somewhat less fluctuating and that's certain people at the psychiatric hospital or whatever you call it, a few of the therapists that were just assholes theres. Though as I'm typing this I don't really care

    The rest I don't really want dead and are more of just temporary fantasy's at that time. They are random people I don't know and haven't done anything to me.

    I'm still open to making new friends, I used to have some internet ones but they stopped coming on.

    As for hobby's I've had them, like playing computer games but they aren't very productive and then I get depressed when I'm caught up in them. I feel like there's no time for fun, I planned to join the marines so I've been working out for months then I get caught up in this hobby and it messes with my schedule.

    I dunno, I feel like I'm just complaining now.
  7. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    I believe I just realized something right now.

    I use hatred and as a coping method. Hatred and remorseless, as an alternative to being depressed. I've learned to almost control the emotions and in turn my thoughts become vicious, which I hide from everyone else. I feel sort of like patrick bateman from American psycho.

    "There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing."

    Sometimes the depression takes hold of me, and I fight back with the only thing I feel I have left, hate.
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