I apologize for this being a bit lengthy so I understand if no one replies. I have two reasons for typing this: 1. For myself as an experiment. I’ve been told and read, writing (or typing in my case) my thoughts could help. 2. To see if anyone can give me some advice, suggestions, etc.. I’m unsure how to begin this, so I’ll first give background information about myself. I attempted suicide 10 months ago (I’m 17 now), thinking death could serve as a relief, or if I failed, I would still achieve relief by being able to start fresh. Unfortunately my failure only brought hatred and a thirst for vengeance for those who have wronged me. Before I only had suicidal thoughts, now I have suicidal and homicidal thoughts. These thoughts have not progressed into plans. I was removed from my home and thrown into a psychiatric facility against my will. At first I went into this place with a positive thoughts and a want to change my outlook on life. However, day one of group therapy, the therapists laughed at me because I could not provide a simple reason for my attempt and was deemed a liar by the other patients because of this. Afterwards I realized I had to deceive everyone if I ever wanted to leave anytime soon. I provided non-fiction events and used them as fake excuses for my actions because I would lose privileges and increase my time being there if not, or just laughed at. I remained there for 5 days. (Seemed like 5 weeks) I learned two useful things from there: 1. Plan more carefully to avoid places like that 2. How to sleep sitting in a chair I was then put into an out-patient therapy, where the therapist would ask random questions for an hour. I convinced my parents it was doing nothing other than wasting their money so I stopped going after three or four times. I was also placed on drugs which only made me agitated and shaky so I was taken off of those as well. After all of this I tried doing things my own way, I began talking to people more, (I’m usually a shy and quiet person so no one bothers to get to know me, and I lack the motivation to get to know others), working out, setting short term and long term goals, finding things to do to keep busy, etc.. This worked for a little while, however the few friends I had drifted away due being busy in their own life and problems and whatnot. After going back to school, the teachers, as expected showed no sympathy despite being absent for over two weeks and knowing I was in the hospital and on some sort of medication. Out of approximately 144 students, two asked where I have been. I said I didn’t want to talk about since I would be labeled psychotic or crazy most likely and it was never brought up again. So here’s my current situation, I don’t have anyone I can comfortably talk to, I have suicidal and disturbing homicidal thoughts (won’t go into detail), and unwilling to go into some sort of therapy again. I am open to advice or suggestions or anything. I’m hesitant to post all of this since last time I tried this, almost no one gave advice and blew me off. Thank you for anyone who took the time to read all of this.