so i guess i just think, why would i want to stop? (sorry its long-winded) In october, i was 233 lbs and now im 152.5 lbs. Even for a tall girl (5' 10"), thats obese. The stuff that made me want to die was worse because i was a worthless sack of fat and i feel better then ever now that i am on the road to being thinner. Obviously, I havent lost all that weight in 9ish months the "healthy way" but i think its worth it. It started off as just restricting my calories to about 700...then 500...then 200 per day. And i had to start manipulating right off the bat: i talked excitedly about the weightloss so people wouldnt think i was being sneaky and bad about it, made my mom switch my doctors so she wouldnt be alarmed (the new chick didnt know me when i was a fatass), and made it so i basically have my big house to myself. Even when my mom is home, she doesnt ever make me eat. And if i have to, i just get rid of it. No laxatives though because theyre messy and gross and there is more opportunity for the food to digest. Bringing it back out immediatly is safer. At this point, i only eat when i have to and even then i throw most of that up. I will have to eat a little soon, because swim season is starting and not eating with 5 hrs of practice every day can lead to fainting and that would be bad. thats one of my fears: just keeling over in front of everyone, especially my coaches. They would KILL me. I dont think its up to them though, you know? Eventually something bad might happen but if i can survive the hunger, dizzyness, nausea, weakness etc i think i will be just fine. and thin. which is all i really care about now.