Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Gretchen, Jul 23, 2008.

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  1. Gretchen

    Gretchen Member

    so i guess i just think, why would i want to stop? (sorry its long-winded)

    In october, i was 233 lbs and now im 152.5 lbs. Even for a tall girl (5' 10"), thats obese. The stuff that made me want to die was worse because i was a worthless sack of fat and i feel better then ever now that i am on the road to being thinner. Obviously, I havent lost all that weight in 9ish months the "healthy way" but i think its worth it. It started off as just restricting my calories to about 700...then 500...then 200 per day. And i had to start manipulating right off the bat: i talked excitedly about the weightloss so people wouldnt think i was being sneaky and bad about it, made my mom switch my doctors so she wouldnt be alarmed (the new chick didnt know me when i was a fatass), and made it so i basically have my big house to myself. Even when my mom is home, she doesnt ever make me eat. And if i have to, i just get rid of it. No laxatives though because theyre messy and gross and there is more opportunity for the food to digest. Bringing it back out immediatly is safer. At this point, i only eat when i have to and even then i throw most of that up. I will have to eat a little soon, because swim season is starting and not eating with 5 hrs of practice every day can lead to fainting and that would be bad. thats one of my fears: just keeling over in front of everyone, especially my coaches. They would KILL me. I dont think its up to them though, you know? Eventually something bad might happen but if i can survive the hunger, dizzyness, nausea, weakness etc i think i will be just fine. and thin. which is all i really care about now.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you have not befriended your body...I too have lost a lot of wt, but I eat about 1500 cals a day and exercise...and yes, being thinner feels so much better...but not at the cost of your life...I hope you find reasons to treat yourself in the lovely manner you deserve, and that you find feeding your body to be a gift you give yourself each meal...this took me yrs to master, myself, but now, I know that this physical envelop holds my spirit and that counts for a lot...big hugs, J
  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry you are struggling with this all.. Try not to stress so much about it, I know that can be hard.. I too have been trying to lose weight, I have lost 45 pounds and have about 60 more to go. Good luck with everything and remember to try not to go overboardand lose it in a healthy way. Take care. :hug:
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