Someone encouraged me to write about all the things that have happened in my life because it will probably help me. I don’t know if it will but she said I won’t know until I try and I suppose she is right so here it is. I hope this doesn’t offend anyone and I really hope that people won’t hate me. You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. I don’t even know if I will read it when I finish writing it. I hope this is the right place to post this. I may regret doing this but I can delete it if I want can't i? I am 15. I live with my parents. We live in quite a big house and it looks really nice and my parents have lots of friends and everyone likes them. My parents didn’t really want me but they couldn’t afford to get an abortion back then. My mum says that if she could get an abortion now that she could afford she would. Well, I never really got looked after by my parents. They dumped me on their parents when I was really small, which was ok as far as I can remember. They were dead by the time I was 4 and my parents started leaving me at home on my own. They would lock me in my room so I didn’t roam about and spoil the house. I didn’t get fed so I learnt how to make jam sandwiches. They always washed my clothes and told me to be clean so I didn’t show them up. They’re very big on looking good to other people. They don’t like to be embarassed. I was always bullied at school. I never had any friends. I tried really hard to make friends but no one ever wanted to. My parents hardly talked to me and I was mostly on my own. I don’t remember being hugged by either of them. They have lots of parties which I have to stay in my room for. When I was 8 they had a party and a man and woman came into my room and sat with me on my bed. They were laughing and asking me if I was ok. They touched me where you’re not supposed to be touched and got me to do the same. I told my mum what happened the next day and at first she said I was lying. Then she said I was being silly and that they were just playing a silly game and to stop being so stupid. I believed her when she said it was a game so I let them do it a lot and did what they wanted me to even tho I didn’t like it. I didn’t to be a spoilsport or ruin the game. I suppose I wanted them to like me and make them and my mum happy. It got more and more as I got older…like they did more than just touching and it was so gross but they always said it was just changing the game. That was when I started to cut myself. When I was 10 they started going away on holiday a lot and leaving me on my own. At first it was really scary being in the house on my own for so long but I’m used to it now. I try not to move anything or get anything dirty tho because they always notice when they get back. If I do anything too bad I sometimes get hit and locked in the cupboard under the stairs to think about what I’ve done and how it looks to other people. I try not to bring shame or embarassment but I always seem to. I get bullied really badly at school. I get beaten up a lot and spat at and called names and my stuff gets stolen. The teachers say that I bring it on myself and that I’m exaggerating. I try and be nice but it never works. I don’t go out anywhere because this is a small town and I don’t to want to see any of the other kids. Last year they had another party and a man I never met before was there. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was in the hallway. He asked to see my bedroom so I showed him but he wouldn’t leave and go back to the party. I said I didn’t want to play any games and he laughed and said it wasn’t a game. I tried to push him away and he got really angry and pushed me on the bed and held me down on it. I tried to fight him off but he was really strong. I asked him not to and I struggled so bad. The music from the party drowned out the noise so no one knew and he put his hand over my mouth. He kept calling me sweet thing all the time and told me not to cry. Afterwards he asked if anyone had ever done that before and I said no and he said that lots of people would want to. At first I didn’t cry afterwards. I was just in a trance and then when I moved position I saw blood on my bed and then I started crying> I didn’t think I would ever stop. I wanted to tell my mum but it was like she was avoiding me even more than normal and I thought maybe she knew something and thought I was dirty and shameful. That man did it a few more times at different parties and once when my parents were on holiday. That time was the worst. It lasted a long time and it hurt so much I thought I was going to die and then he didn’t come around for a long time. I don’t know if my parents found out and didn’t like it or if he found someone better. On my birthday last month they had a party but it wasn’t really for me. It was more just for them and that man was there again and the couple from before and lots of people that I’m scared of and they made me go downstairs and pass out wine and stuff and that man kept saying that he wanted to have a party with just me and it made me feel sick. After that I started getting really bad nightmares about everything that happened and I was afraid to go to sleep and I just lost the plot completely and ended up slitting my wrists really badly….getting the artery in one of them and taking lots of different tablets. Some man walking his dog found me a few minutes after I cut myself and he called an ambulance. That was last Thursday. My parents still went on their holiday even tho I did that so I am on my own for two weeks. They said I did it on purpose to ruin their holiday and they weren’t going to let me do that and that I should stop looking for attention and grow up. I didn’t think I did it for attention because I really really did want to die. Last night I got drunk and I kept thinking about it and I don’t know where this man is and I’m scared he’ll know that my parents are on holiday and come round so I cut my wrists again only it wasn’t as bad. And then I felt really bad because there are a couple of people on here who have tried to help me and given me advice and I didn’t want to just throw it back in their faces so I went to a&e and they stitched me back up again. I had to get them to call my mums friend to come get me and pretend that I was staying with her. She was really pissed off and I know she’ll tell my parents and they’ll be even more pissed off. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to anyone. I am so lonely and theres no one here for me not even to get a hug that means something nice not that they want something from you. I have such bad nightmares that I don’t want to go to sleep and lately I am drinking too much. I just want my mum and dad to like me. They don’t even have to love me….but even if they liked me a little bit it would be better. There’s other things I could have written but I think I’ve gone on enough. I don’t know if this has helped me to write this down and I don’t know if I will post this. I’m scared of what people will think.