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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    so this may be long and windya nd inocoherent. and im sorry for that but shit hapepns.

    imnot sure where to start. i feel so messed up and really going nuts. i dont wkno what ot do next. how to g on or move on. i dont know how to stop; thinking about the lats moements and last breaths. i feel as thoug i failed her.

    there is no one irll that i have. buts thats justs me. im not approachable and no self confidense. ij waitijng for somethone to hurt me. so to let people close is scary. im not worth it. s its my own fault and owwn issues.

    so ist no ones afault, and i dont want to purposly hurt anyone. its better to stay way from me.

    i dont know hows to figure this out. whats to do next. all feels lie too much. but im beter on my own. theres no o one waiting o me or relying om me. i can be as selfish as I want and as I usuallly am. to think hoow i let her down. i jmiss her so.

    so my points is that i feel alonee and scared. dont know what to do. it is too much foor me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You hun you go and get some help for you okay you get grief councilling for you You get something for your depression You are worth it hun and yes you can vent here all you want hugs
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thats tmy issue. i am seeing someeone and taking meds. i ahm trying.

    but i cant try and keep nott gettin anywhere. and not on my own
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    dear Mo..this grief you're in is so fresh...
    it will take time for you to feel like you're "getting anywhere"
    please be gentle with yourself

    In all your writings over the months I could hear how supportive you were to your 'one'
    I'm sure you did everything that you were able, in making her last days comfortable
    If it's any small consolation, most people feel as you do after the loss of someone they loved.
    Guilt is a ''normal'' part of 'grieving'

    TE suggested grief counseling..perhaps that's an option for you..
    I had it for a while and it's different from 'normal' counseling

    I can hear you're scared and alone....that's why it's good you're reaching out here for support.

    I found reading books on grief and loss helpful...
    perhaps you might too.

    know you're not totally alone while ever you have us..:arms:
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Her last days added up to just over 48 hours. I find myself wondering if the doc hadn't told her there was nothing more they could do, how long she would have continued on? Anyhow things that should have been said by me, never were. Things that I should have done, I never did.

    Hospice started the day before she passed. Two hours after she was gone they left me alone in the house in the early hours of the morning. The social worker called me after her death, not knowing she had already gone. I heard nothing then as a follow up from anyone. Last week when I had enough I made a call and got a return call then from someone else who was only worried about telling me she wasn't on our case. Seriously? I give up.

    Disgusted overall with people.

    One person from the cancer center showed at the funeral. One. After two years of being there just about every week for something. And no one has made contact since. Yes, it is their job. But aren't these folks human too?

    Perhaps I'm expecting too much from people? I normally don't have any expectations but I thought this would be different. How foolish am I? If I am being completely unreasonable, could someone please tell me so?

  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Awful anxiety - triggered today by something. Is haunting me tonight. Bad pain which is worrying. Its one thing after another. How can it be worth it?
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that the system has let you down but don't you give up.
    keep fighting Mo.
    You are worth fighting for....

    I'm sorry you've been let down by people you trusted...
    I think there are rules (albeit stupid rules) that prevent those in authority getting too personally involved with their clients...In this country anyway.
    I have that difficulty with my case worker..

    I don't believe you're being unreasonable at all...you need and deserve help and you're not getting it..

    Are you able to find the strength to get back on the phone and insist that a social worker be made available to you asap? I hope so.

    I wonder if you've spoken to your T or GP lately about how you're feeling? perhaps they can adjust your meds to help the anxiety.
    grief can cause all sorts of physical symptoms as well and i hope if it doesn't settle you will seek help for the pain..

    I'm sorry I can't promise any magical cures Mo...
    survive a day, an hour, a minute at a time...anyway you can..

    There is a saying I saw recently and it fits grief well
    "If you're going through Hell, Keep going"
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 9, 2012
  8. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    I am truely sorry to hear about your loss. I hope that in time, you will get over this and become somewhat whole again. You have plenty of fighting spirit left, please do not give up and try and hang in there for all our sakes.
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both.

    IV - a lot of good ideas and suggestions.

    I don't think its worth it, not for me. If I were to be completely honest then I'm scared my T would back off and/or send me elsewhere, suggest other treatments. And that, in itself, would crush me further. It has taken me a long time to get to even this place of semi-comfort with T.

    But yeah, not worth it.
  10. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    Your T's job is to be there to counsel you... I can't see him/her sending you away because you have problems. Be honest with your T and tell how you are feeling about losing support.
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