i even dont really know why i'm still choosing to live at this very momment of my life. Maybe there is still a little unrealized hope in me. I used to think that it is often for me desire to take this shortcut to just simply end my life, but eventually i could manage to stop such desire. I used to have alot of problems like being bullied in high school, problems with parents etc, but eventually i could cope with it. I used to be a timid boy, up until now i suppose still, which is a good bullying material type of person. At that time, when i was still in high school, i just wanted to end my life since i was so afraid to go to school because of such incondusive place. But now, everything changes, my problem is now not the same as it was. It is more to my own contemplation of life, it is more inclined to my emptiness of my motive to survive. I have a lot of ambitions in this life, i want to be an architect, a musician, good at math, and to become a writter or philosopher. But the more i realize, the more i know that i am so stupid that i would not be able to master all of them, or even to master one of them. I am not clever, and i always feel meaningless to lead my life if i cannot be big. I use to think that it would not be much different if i die at this very moment from that when i finally grow older. What is the point anyway. This world we live contains more in suffering. And we humans actually don't really know where would we go after we die, so why would we be scared to die... In this life, i feel more sadness than joy. IMO, we live in a world full of suffering, pain and sadness. Joy and beliefs are ways of escaping those. The more we get older, the more we dragged into this suffering reality. Hope is just a form of persuasion in words, but the suffering itself cannot be cured by words. Words can be media for temporary medicine of mind, but not eternally. To live, is to be strong against this dark reality, not denying it by creating an escaping ways. Then what is the meaning of our lives? Is it the true life we live in? Who knows maybe the real life is out there, after this suffering life cease to live.