meaningless babble

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by elvinchild, Jul 5, 2009.

  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Today I was with my boyfriend and some of his family celebrating the 4th of july. They got a phone call smack in the middle of dinner telling them that a friend had just committed suicide.

    My boyfriend told me awhile back, a story about a boy he knew from high school who committed suicide.

    No wonder he's so paranoid that I'm going to do the same and keeps trying to take me to a crisis center and get me drugged up, its very real to him.

    Now just last year, I performed a show with another musician at the college I was attending. A few months later, my teacher walked into the classroom with tears in his eyes to tell us that she had committed suicide.

    The thing is, the more I hear about these things, the more real it is to me. You know? I've read up a lot about suicide methods and I know that a lot of methods aren't very foolproof, especially if its not done exactly the right way. I had the idea in my head that it would be very difficult to do it even if I really wanted to.

    But the more I hear about the things, the more possible it becomes to me. And I feel like its almost inevitable. Its just how I see my life ending. Not now, not today - but if a good solid plan will really kill them, then it will really kill me, and if I really want to, then I'll attempt it...

    And it makes me really question what I'm doing with my life. I was spending time with my boyfriend's brother, his wife, and their 2 year old son. A happy family. I could see it in my boyfriend's eyes, thats what he wants. Now if anything ever became of me and him - or me and anyone - marriage, I mean... now I just don't know if I could do it. With this feeling that I AM going to commit suicide someday, I couldn't put anyone through it... but at the same time what if I find the right person? And what if the truth is I will actually heal, and live a lifetime? I'll never know until the end actually comes, but... ugh I guess I'm just saying I'm so afraid to get close to anyone, and its getting to the point where I feel like withdrawing from any potential close friendships or relationships, because I am so certain about suicide... and I can't chance putting anyone through that.
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    If you are able to see into the future that far with your life, then suicide isn't a certainty for you. You say you know you will and maybe that is so. Perhaps you will be in your 90's. Who knows? There is time for you to fulfill your hopes and dreams. There is time for you to lead a wonderful life. For you to have children and watch them grow. Actually, none of us a gauranteed a tomorrow if you really think about it. Don't look toward what may or may not happen in the future. Go with what will happen in the here and now. :hug: