Today I was with my boyfriend and some of his family celebrating the 4th of july. They got a phone call smack in the middle of dinner telling them that a friend had just committed suicide. My boyfriend told me awhile back, a story about a boy he knew from high school who committed suicide. No wonder he's so paranoid that I'm going to do the same and keeps trying to take me to a crisis center and get me drugged up, its very real to him. Now just last year, I performed a show with another musician at the college I was attending. A few months later, my teacher walked into the classroom with tears in his eyes to tell us that she had committed suicide. The thing is, the more I hear about these things, the more real it is to me. You know? I've read up a lot about suicide methods and I know that a lot of methods aren't very foolproof, especially if its not done exactly the right way. I had the idea in my head that it would be very difficult to do it even if I really wanted to. But the more I hear about the things, the more possible it becomes to me. And I feel like its almost inevitable. Its just how I see my life ending. Not now, not today - but if a good solid plan will really kill them, then it will really kill me, and if I really want to, then I'll attempt it... And it makes me really question what I'm doing with my life. I was spending time with my boyfriend's brother, his wife, and their 2 year old son. A happy family. I could see it in my boyfriend's eyes, thats what he wants. Now if anything ever became of me and him - or me and anyone - marriage, I mean... now I just don't know if I could do it. With this feeling that I AM going to commit suicide someday, I couldn't put anyone through it... but at the same time what if I find the right person? And what if the truth is I will actually heal, and live a lifetime? I'll never know until the end actually comes, but... ugh I guess I'm just saying I'm so afraid to get close to anyone, and its getting to the point where I feel like withdrawing from any potential close friendships or relationships, because I am so certain about suicide... and I can't chance putting anyone through that.