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Measuring time

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Gonz, Sep 23, 2018.

  1. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    or not, really.

    Over the last couple of years, time has lost a lot of its meaning. I mean, I only go outside a few hours a week. I keep blackout curtains on my windows. I sleep just whenever. Sometimes for two or three hours, sometimes for ten or twelve. I wake up disoriented, not knowing if it’s daytime or night.

    There’s one daily ritual I have; I write to my Jessica every single day. Started a week after it happened, just a couple pages a day to tell her how much I love her and miss her, and I haven’t skipped one since. Scared to miss a day, really. I get anxious about it. Sometimes I’ll think to myself “oh, I should get back to that thing I was doing a bit ago” only to realize that “a bit ago” was more like three days ago. I’d hate myself if that happened with these letters. Because the letters mean we’re still together. As long as I keep writing to her, keep communicating, then we’re still a couple. It’s the ultimate long distance relationship, and we’re just waiting ‘til we get to see each other again. But if I ever stopped...

    Most of the time, it’s like I’m in this void. Like my life passed normally, right up until the really bad day, and then time just kinda turned weird. Next week feels as far away as next decade and two years ago has more resonance than two weeks ago. Sometimes I notice it though. I mark the time with notebooks full of letters. She died nine notebooks ago. That can’t be right. Surely she’s only been gone for a few pages.

    The present is a foggy confusing mess. The future, other than filling me with a vague sense of dread, is beyond my ability to even contemplate. The past is crystal fucking clear, and so beautiful to me now that my inability to touch it brings me to tears.
    gypsylee and Thefunisover like this.
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hugs @Gonz

    Time is a fickle thing for me as well. You are not alone.
    1964dodge, Gonz and Thefunisover like this.
  3. Kiwi2016

    Kiwi2016 Forum Pro

    Wish I could have the words to ease the pain you are so clearly still feeling...sending you hugs.
    Gonz and 1964dodge like this.
  4. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Sorry friend
    Gonz and 1964dodge like this.
  5. 1964dodge

    1964dodge when you help people you help yourself SF Supporter

    don't get me wrong i'm not saying you should find another partner that will come only if and when you're ready. but it sounds like she loved you very much also and do you think she's happy to see you like this, what will she say when she sees you again. I think it's time for you to get some help and live life as well as you can till you see her again. I couldn't imagine life without my wife so I don't know your pain but can imagine. do not stop loving her and the letters are great but please get some help to let you start living in this world again all my hopes
    Gonz likes this.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    @Gonz You know I am here for you 100 percent, i'm often thinking of you cooped up in that house and wish life were easier for you. You're a good person with a good heart, I know that, you know that :) Try and get outdoors for a few more hours this week, it will do you the world of good although I know it is easier said than done.

    Gonz, gypsylee and 1964dodge like this.
  7. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Same. I wait until it’s dark to go to the shops, which is just the supermarket or convenience store (we have two 24 hour petrol stations here thankfully) to get cigarettes and groceries. Or occasionally the chemist for medication.

    I’m right near a freeway and the traffic starts at about 5am and goes until 10pm. I’ve lived here nearly ten years and I’ve never gotten used to the noise of trucks and high-powered cars. It’s just getting busier and busier as Melbourne overflows with people (I’m an hour south). It’s part of the reason I play so much music. When I do sleep I use earplugs and often I still get woken up by some noisy vehicle. Sunday morning is the only time it dies down and the other day I could hear the birds which was weird.

    Sorry to rant.. I don’t know what to say about your wife. I cry because I miss my daughter and my brother, but my daughter is just interstate for now and I can message her.

    My brother’s fiance and mother of his boys is in Fiji getting married to her new man this week o_O It’s another occasion where I feel like he’s being completely erased from existence.

    Anyway, this..

  8. 1964dodge

    1964dodge when you help people you help yourself SF Supporter

    I hope things get better I know this sounds stupid but have you thought of getting a tape or cd of nature sounds to play in another room as white noise well you know we all care keep posting
  9. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Thanks.. This place is often a lifeline for me. It doesn’t sound stupid at all. I have a fan next to my bed which helps a bit. I’ve listened to countless recordings of nice sounds and white noise but I’m always conscious of them not being real. When it does actually rain I love it.. It’s one of the few non-chemical things that relaxes me. But we’re heading into summer and I’m absolutely dreading it :confused: The long days and tourists (I’m on the peninsula south of Melbourne, near the beach, and it’s a tourist mecca).

    I got some money for my birthday and I’m going to look into soundproofing. There’s also my parents who live in quiet places, but both of them stress me out a lot. When I get really anxious and upset I just try and be grateful I have a place to live at all. I know a few people who are, or were, sleeping in their cars. Real estate here is ridiculously expensive and I’m lucky because my dad owns this house and I’m paying it off gradually. I own more than half now. It’s a really nice area but my location sucks o_O
    1964dodge likes this.
  10. 1964dodge

    1964dodge when you help people you help yourself SF Supporter

    I am glad you own half of it now and some soundproofing sounds good but expensive I hope you get things settled one way or another and get some good sleep or you can disable about a million cars and trucks you'd be so tired you could fall asleep no matter what
    gypsylee likes this.
  11. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    I think sometimes how that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I mean, that’s what people do in my position, right? It hurts really bad, but they slowly get better and get back to their lives. But they have lives to get back to. I was a miserable piece of shit even before this happened. There’s nothing I even want out of life anymore, other than for it to end sooner rather than later.
  12. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Am I though? I mean, I barely feel like a person at all anymore. Like everything that was good or worthwhile inside me (what little there was) got scooped out and all that’s left are the ugly shitty scared parts. Things aren’t ever going to get better because they can’t. But it can always get worse. Better to just stay right where I am and keep doing what I’m doing, otherwise that’s all that’s gonna happen.
  13. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    This! I feel like I’m the only thing stopping this from happening to her. I can’t let it happen. I can’t ever let it be okay, even for a second, that she’s gone. Because as soon as I do, then she’s gone for real.
  14. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    His woman has already had a kid with this new guy. He isn’t even that new because she hooked up with him about a year after my brother died. He’s a genuinely nice guy but she’s moved on so fast, and she can never be doing nothing so it’s one event after another o_O
  15. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    So maybe this is me showing my ugly judgemental side. Sorry in advance.

    I used to look at other people’s relationships and how they talked about their partners and what they wanted out of those relationships and I’d think to myself “Wow, these people have no fucking clue what real love even is!” Not quite everyone. Some people seemed to get it, but they were very few and far between. I told myself I was being unfair, that I was making judgements about their internal lives based on surface level stuff.

    But now I see stuff like that. People moving on so fucking quickly. People expecting that of me. People wondering, for example, why I still wear my wedding ring (because she’s still my wife! How hard is that to understand?!). And I realize that I was right all along; despite how obsessive our culture may be about love, no matter how many songs or books or movies we make about it, no matter how much they may pretend to feel it or imagine that they do, most people have no idea what the word actually means.
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  16. You're right. People like that are very few and far between. That's why I've always had only the utmost respect for you, your beliefs, and your dedication. And why I've never been one of those people to tell you to move on. It's both beautiful and heartbreaking to read your posts. But it also helps neutralize some of the hate I feel toward humankind. What most people do and what they believe is an absolute disgrace, but you've always reminded me that there are those rare few who are different. I hope it brings you some form of comfort to know that you will be with her again one day. Eventually, we all go back to where we came from, and I can't think of anything more romantic than being part of a star.
    Gonz likes this.
  17. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for saying that. Feels like loving her is the only good or worthwhile thing I've ever done. Feels like my life is already over and I’m in this grey in-between place just waiting ‘til it’s time to die and it’s too late to do or be anything else. So, even if she’s not here to receive it, I need that love to mean something.

    That’s beautiful.