I've learned many things from my family. Watching them, being the mediator for a family that refused to drop liquor bottles full, throw away drugs, have hopes, or even get along, I've learned one major thing. There's no payoff. From my grandfather, to my uncles, to my grandmothers, to my mother to my sister-in-law, to my brother, to my 'father'. All I see is struggle and pain and hardship and hatred and living only for the sake of living. how they can do it I never know. things have never worked out the way any of them imagined. My father, a drug-addict, alcoholic, whom has expressed to me his tiredness of life and his failures in the only life he ever had. My mother, a hopeless, dreamless, crushed into the dust emotionally, and devoid of any self-esteem whom has hurt me the most by me just being another problem for her. My brother, 22, 3 children, liver problems from drinking, high school dropout, who beats himself up daily for being a poor father like his was to him. My sister-in-law, 19, barely an adult, bearing 3 children, with only a lifetime of struggle to live through as expressed to me just so maybe her children wont live a life like hers. I've not an inkling of strength that they have to bear through difficulty as proven by my last attempt on my life at the slightest hint of difficulty in my life. All I can see is what the people around me have been through and go through and am scared of that. I'm scared of life. I'm a weak person and life is difficult. I've yet to see the struggles of the ones I love resolve into anything good. Anything that could bring them joy. I want to know... not everybody is privileged a happy ending, not everyone is strong enough to be able to drive their way to what they desire, not everyone is allowed the option to even attain what they pursue. I've learned that even hard work doesn't account for much. And I know I don't have the ability to even work hard, or at all for anything. Life is becoming more and more trivial to me... I don't enjoy this. I don't think I truly ever have. I watch from the sidelines as my family struggles. Doing nothing. Watching people care about me and driving them away as what have I done to deserve it? I'm another selfish lazy person. With no purpose or reason for trying anything. I feel worse and worse as things get harder and harder on my family. Being how I am, I'm just going to be another problem of theirs forever as I have no ability to take care of myself or anything. It makes me want to disappear. I miss alot of things. I desire things, sure, but nothing in life comes without work and that's something I have no desire in. I have no motivation to continue life. I don't think I ever have but when you're a kid you don't know enough yet. Now I do. I just ask, watching the people you love fall apart around you while breaking yourself... what are you supposed to do?