I wasn't really sure where to post this but I figured it would be suitable for the Suicide Forum, so apologies in advance. To cut a long story short, I have an issue with medication compliance and I stopped taking my meds before Christmas. I am not entirely sure why I did it. I just kinda ran out of meds and I didn't renew the script. I think I was testing myself to see how well I could do medication free. I also think it was partly because I felt suicidal whilst stable so I figured it wouldn't really change much without meds. I was having a lot of issues of accepting my illness at the time, so maybe that is partly to do with it but it was mostly because I just simply chose not to renew the script and didn't really care about it. And I was okay up until around a week ago when I started to become manic and I couldn't sleep. My thoughts were racing and I could hear my thoughts. One night the thoughts were so loud I just lost my shit and my fiancé had to pin me down to stop me from hurting myself as I was threatening to do crazy shit like jump out the window or *method* myself. I am a bit more lucid now and I know how I behaved was stupid, so I found one of my meds and have resumed taking it and I have requested a script to pick up on Monday for the rest. This is not a new battle for me however. I have always had issues with medication compliance. When I first started meds 5 years ago, I pretty much came off one of my meds as soon as I started it as the side effects were horrible. This was in actual fact supported by the CPN I had at the time and I started new meds. I kept those meds however when I started the new meds. I took the new meds and like the previous ones made me feel worse and made me hallucinate. The psych kept putting the dosages up and wouldn't listen to me, so I stockpiled the medication. Part of it was control as I literally has no other control in my life, and secondly I felt comfort in having a "stash". It kept me safe and made me feel like I had an option when things got bad, like I had a way out. I built up my stash and I must have had tablets well into the hundreds stockpiled as I collected scripts and never took a single tablet. This changed one day when my meds were stopped and I was started on a new med, which helped me and I did take them quite religiously and I eventually disposed of my stash. I have stopped taking my meds many times in 5 years, so much so that I probably really have not given myself any real chance of becoming stable for a long period of time. I discovered through therapy that the last time I stopped taking my meds, it was an act of self destruction. Because I believed that I was not worthy of stability or a chance of a normal life. It was a way I could hurt myself without physically causing myself any harm, but mentally I was. I worked very hard on this and I managed my longest stint ever on medication. I think it was from February - December 2015. I really don't know how I'm going to break this cycle, as I really have no clue why I keep doing this to myself and every reason I stop taking my meds there is a different reason for doing so. Or am I lying to myself because I really am self destructing each and every time I do this to myself? Maybe I am. I don't know how to break the cycle. I might phone my GP/pharmacy to see if they will just automatically collect my scripts monthly from the GP so if I get busy or I am looking for an excuse not to renew my script, it is already there and done for me. It would make things a lot easier. I don't know what I can do otherwise because I do sometimes just collect the script and not take them, for no other reason than I choose not to. I fear that the only way I am really ever going to be compliant with my medication is if I have it as a depo, but then, my issue will be turning up for the appt to have it done.