Medication Compliance and My Struggle

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Feb 12, 2016.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I wasn't really sure where to post this but I figured it would be suitable for the Suicide Forum, so apologies in advance.

    To cut a long story short, I have an issue with medication compliance and I stopped taking my meds before Christmas. I am not entirely sure why I did it. I just kinda ran out of meds and I didn't renew the script. I think I was testing myself to see how well I could do medication free. I also think it was partly because I felt suicidal whilst stable so I figured it wouldn't really change much without meds. I was having a lot of issues of accepting my illness at the time, so maybe that is partly to do with it but it was mostly because I just simply chose not to renew the script and didn't really care about it. And I was okay up until around a week ago when I started to become manic and I couldn't sleep. My thoughts were racing and I could hear my thoughts. One night the thoughts were so loud I just lost my shit and my fiancé had to pin me down to stop me from hurting myself as I was threatening to do crazy shit like jump out the window or *method* myself. I am a bit more lucid now and I know how I behaved was stupid, so I found one of my meds and have resumed taking it and I have requested a script to pick up on Monday for the rest.

    This is not a new battle for me however. I have always had issues with medication compliance. When I first started meds 5 years ago, I pretty much came off one of my meds as soon as I started it as the side effects were horrible. This was in actual fact supported by the CPN I had at the time and I started new meds. I kept those meds however when I started the new meds. I took the new meds and like the previous ones made me feel worse and made me hallucinate. The psych kept putting the dosages up and wouldn't listen to me, so I stockpiled the medication. Part of it was control as I literally has no other control in my life, and secondly I felt comfort in having a "stash". It kept me safe and made me feel like I had an option when things got bad, like I had a way out. I built up my stash and I must have had tablets well into the hundreds stockpiled as I collected scripts and never took a single tablet. This changed one day when my meds were stopped and I was started on a new med, which helped me and I did take them quite religiously and I eventually disposed of my stash.

    I have stopped taking my meds many times in 5 years, so much so that I probably really have not given myself any real chance of becoming stable for a long period of time. I discovered through therapy that the last time I stopped taking my meds, it was an act of self destruction. Because I believed that I was not worthy of stability or a chance of a normal life. It was a way I could hurt myself without physically causing myself any harm, but mentally I was. I worked very hard on this and I managed my longest stint ever on medication. I think it was from February - December 2015.

    I really don't know how I'm going to break this cycle, as I really have no clue why I keep doing this to myself and every reason I stop taking my meds there is a different reason for doing so. Or am I lying to myself because I really am self destructing each and every time I do this to myself? Maybe I am. I don't know how to break the cycle. I might phone my GP/pharmacy to see if they will just automatically collect my scripts monthly from the GP so if I get busy or I am looking for an excuse not to renew my script, it is already there and done for me. It would make things a lot easier. I don't know what I can do otherwise because I do sometimes just collect the script and not take them, for no other reason than I choose not to. I fear that the only way I am really ever going to be compliant with my medication is if I have it as a depo, but then, my issue will be turning up for the appt to have it done.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    First of all its positive that you're aware of the cycle at all.

    Secondly this often seems to happen when people take psychopharmaca (sp?). My friend has struggled bad with this. She had to have a nurse call her when it was time to take her meds to remind her.

    I think it would be good to be as honest about this with the relevant doctors and nurses so they can help you and your own suggestion sounds good!
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Is there a way you can go on an injection once a month and have a nurse come in and give it to you so you do not have to take meds every day that way just an option and yes many people suffer like you do with med compliance so do not be so hard on yourself ok hugs
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Well with the meds I take, only one of them comes in injection form and that's only indicated for schizophrenia so I am not sure if they would be able to do it for me. Possibly. But my other med only comes in oral form so I couldn't have it injected. When I take them, I'm fine and fairly stable so I don't think I'd be wanting to change the meds I actually take, the problem is taking them.

    Another problem with taking meds is that my fiancé isn't exactly supportive of them. He says they change me and I just become a shell of who I am and thinks I am better off meds. He doesn't stop me from taking them, but he doesn't actively encourage me to take them. I do feel like I am a different person on meds. Stable yes, but myself maybe not. I was still actively suicidal despite my moods being stable so I don't feel like I can win.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I wish you had the option of family counseling there to explain to family/ cohabiting fiance's the need to treat mental health seriously and to treat it properly. I am just going to stop there , because if somebody is not supportive of something that literally can help prevent you from dying by taking your own life, or suffering un-needed additional pain of cycling though mania and depression through the I have no words for what that says about the relationship and what the relationship means to him. is a pity that he is inconvenienced and I am sure as a guy he "likes" the manic Lexi' going out and being a little wild because it is fun (which is what i take by the "shell" comment) and he does not need to deal with the consequences. He needs to grow up and start treating the relationship as an adult and being supportive liek an adult, not a school age /or collge kid that just wants to have fun and avoid being an adult and and adult responsibilities of REAL realtionships.
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter


    I don't really know why he is not supportive of meds seeing as he is training to work in th MH sector. One of the problems he sees that if I'm not better within a week of taking meds he thinks they are pointless. Normally I am at my worst during this time and it has no relevance to taking meds whatsoever. Another problem is he sees things as all in the mind, and you don't need meds to cure that. He has a point, you have to make changes elsewhere and I am a big believer in therapy and small life changes.

    My mania is never really pleasant. I have about 2 days maximum of energised mood with positivity and activity until my thoughts begin to race and they race so fast they effectively paralyse me and then I become extremely agitated and don't sleep. I am tired of the constant cycling between mania and depression but I also equally hated the "stable mood" because it made me question whether this was as good as it gets and made me extremely suicidal. I feel like it's a constant battle and it's tiring and horrible.

    I suspect part of the problem with my fiancé is that he is afraid of dealing with his own problems and because of this and how he views himself and believes "it's all in the mind" he can't see that mine are most imbalanced chemicals that are triggered by stressors in life and the weather.

    I was gonna discuss some stuff with you at another time because there are things I need to get off my chest but I don't wanna talk about them on the forum.
  7. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am always around and my PM box and email are always open Lexi (hug) , as well as just instant message anytime. Some things get too detailed or personal to be dealt with really on the open forum I know, but I am always happy to hear from you (or any member) that wants to chat.

    You take care of you , you really deserve that much at least,
  8. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Compliance and side-effects are my issues that I think will probably prevent me from ever doing meds. So, your story feels relatable to me on some level. More specific detail omitted but I just have a strong feeling that for me personally there is something that can make it acutely worse.

    I'm sorry you have to be hearing about it being all in your mind so to speak, but it does seem as if you have also independently formed the same observations as your partner, re being a shell of yourself. Have you expressed this officially to your health care team?

    I'm mostly concerned about the still feeling suicidal on the meds. If you complied between Feb and December, that's a relatively long time--if the suicidal thoughts were still regular during this period, maybe there is another pill or combination that may be better for you.

    Suicidal thoughts is to me one of the most counterproductive side effects, since that is in essence the "ultimate thing" we are all trying to avoid, whether on or off meds. I'm sorry to hear that and worried about this part quite a bit.
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Lexi, I am so sorry you are having to endure this. I hate taking meds too. I can usually skip a day or two without a problem. More then that and I hit withdrawals. I don't think doctors really understand how bad meds can be.

    Do you have a friend who can help to ensure that you pick up your scripts and take your meds? Sounds like your fiance would not do that, but maybe someone else. Maybe someone who could actually see you take them, or someone you would hate to disappoint by not taking them.
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    @AlexiMarie7 - The suicidal thoughts were because I was struggling to accept my diagnosis. I came to the realisation that although my moods were stable, that life wasn't going to get much better for me. I felt like I was putting in all this effort to just simply "cope" and deal with life. I still feel the same, manic, depressed, normal. I believe you can be suicidal without actually being depressed. Whether this is way of thinking is rational is another conversation completely. I don't believe the suicidal thoughts were a by-product of my meds. I think I would have felt like this regardless. I know meds are the only way to keep my Bipolar and mood cycles stable, but is it really worth the hassle?

    @SillyOldBear - I didn't get any withdrawals from stopping my meds. I did reduce a little bit because I wanted to try and make them last as long as possible before they ran out so in effect I weaned off. I don't really have a friend I can approach to tell me to take my meds. TBH it's a waste of time because if I am in that mindset of being adamant of not taking meds, I will not take them. I don't not take them because I forget, it's because I choose not to. Why, who knows?
  11. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Ok @ the suicidal thoughts not being an effect of the meds. But still, are there any meds that can get rid of these thoughts? Have you expressly told your doc that you still struggle with these thoughts regularly? I feel like that is such a major and fundamental part of treatment, getting the rid of those horrid, often intrusive thoughts. I can only begin to imagine how you feel re expending energy to take meds, but then still "feeling the same, manic, depressed, normal". Are the meds even working then? Is there a better option?

    This feels like a rather hard and torturous position to be in, but I hope you dialogue with your practitioner, and that things improve. Even when things don't change in our external environment (as it often doesn't for some time), I think it's important that we get some change internally, via whatever route.

    I'm really sorry you are going through this and feeling this way though. I understand why you would consider it just a hassle, but I hope you do what is best for your health ultimately, even if it is a pain in the you know where. I really wish you felt better on the meds and that would motivate you to stick to the regimen...keep trying!

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