Medication Making Me Worse & Better At The Same Time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by What, Jul 6, 2015.

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  1. What

    What Active Member

    In my previous posts I said that I was dealing with suicidal ideation (among other things) and waiting to be put on proper medication for a bipolar 1 diagnosis. I started the medication a week ago, I was put on an atypical anti-psychotic.

    I feel like I am getting 'better' yet worse at the same time. I feel like the medication is pushing me out of my inner fantasy world and into reality, and is eroding my little disassociation bubble. The reality of my life is becoming increasingly apparent to me and "in my face" so to speak. That is probably a good thing and probably means I am getting "better".

    However the reality of my life is kind of terrible. I've been through tons of bad things one after the other throughout my life, and right now my life is completely empty. I have no friends, no hobbies (though I might have them if I could afford them - I can't), no pet (pets have always been a major mood lifter for me in the past), just nothingness. I am unemployed and am finding it very hard to get a job due to my mental health problems combined with the poor job market in general.

    I feel like I am coming completely undone and am desperately flailing around for something good and enjoyable to grab onto, but there is nothing like that in my life. It is making me feel even more suicidal than I was feeling previously. I have stopped eating because I keep fantasizing about starving to death, and I have lost my appetite completely, anyway. Not eating makes me feel a little more relaxed, like at least I am working my way towards an out.

    However my mother (whom I live with) has been bragging openly for months about how much money she has and makes. The most recent brag from her was that just one of her bank accounts has over $10,000 of just fun spending money in it, just to spend on whatever fun things she wants for herself. This does not include her accounts full of money for vacations and cruises with her husband (also lives here), or accounts meant for paying bills and such.

    So since she has been bragging so often about her wealth, I thought maybe it was worth it to be vulnerable and explain to her that I really need something enjoyable in my life right now, a hobby, a pet, just something to hold onto and look forward to each day. Because for the past several months my life has consisted of just being isolated, home-ridden, pacing in circles and talking to myself alone all day, and now trying to adjust to this medication is pushing me over the edge.

    She responded by suggesting that maybe I could do more chores around the house for her, or do her grocery shopping for her, to keep myself occupied. It was such a passive-aggressive little F-you response from her that afterwards I experienced making up my mind. I definitely want out of this life now. I am practically disabled and trapped with this cold statue of a parent and nothing enjoyable to hold onto.

    I just don't want to eat anything. I just want to quietly and peacefully fade away.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello, that is really tough. If your mom isn't being kind of you or even just acknowledging that you are in mental distress maybe you should try and stay away from her as much as possible? How old are you? I also agree with you and think that getting a pet could help your get well process and speed up your recovery, can you afford one on your own?
  3. What

    What Active Member

    Well I live with her and am completely financially dependent on her. I wound up homeless last year and begged her to take me in, which she agreed to do. I just feel completely trapped and don't see any method of escape. I cannot afford anything, I have no money, she has all the power. I have been trying to get a job for months now but the market is poor and my mental illness issues are not helping. I just started this medication in the hopes that it would make me emotionally more resilient but the opposite is happening. My mother is a fairly classic NPD case, and I know I also have BPD traits as a result of both her and my abusive biological father, who now has severe dementia.

    I just feel like it is too much. I was abused severely as a child and have trauma issues. I developed borderline traits. I have bipolar type one with psychotic features. I've been through one thing after another my whole life. My first boyfriend committed suicide. I've been homeless. My second boyfriend was abusive, I lived in a closet for almost a year. I feel like my nerves are just fried. And now I have no job, no vehicle, no friends, no partner, no independence, no hobbies, nothing that I look forward to each day. I dread each day and can't stop fantasizing about dying. I don't want to eat anything, the idea gives me severe anxiety, like I am just anchoring myself to all of this even longer with every possible bite I would otherwise take.

    If I make it to my next pdoc appointment on the 29th, I plan to tell her these things. I just don't feel up to it right now. I also know that it takes multiple weeks to starve to death, so I figure if I am going to change my mind, I will likely change it in time to not die. It's just bringing me much-needed calm right now.
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