I have found myself in a misery so deep in the last several years that it passes despair into some sort of uncharted territory. I am in a state of disrepair that baffles me along with a medication regimen that sometimes feels extremely dangerous. I have been a diagnosed obsessive compulsive since about the age of eight or nine, I am now 35. I have battled alcoholism, hepatitis C, severe at times OCD, infrequent panic and acne scarring for as long as I can remember. A successful television career, bachelors degree and many friends despite it all. I dont suspect any words of practical advice or wisdom to help me out of this situation. I lost my last real career job in december of 06 after attending rehab which apparently made me a liability to the company. After 12+ years in my field I was hung out to dry and began taking any work I could get my hands on. In late 09 the pressures of having a horrible financial situation and the end of a long relationship I began to crack up. I had been past the worst of my acne for years but suddenly became overly concerned with this area on my chin I thought was too "thick." Of course my prescribing physician just said you seem to be showing signs of BDD since is in the same spectrum of disorders. I was tripled the amount of SSRI I was taking. The long and short of it is this, I have damaged my skin by obsessively rubbing it, etc. causing new scars. I have had an on again of again relationship with SSRI's for years, they help to slow my mind but make me physically ill. I now find myself in a real catch-22 as I have for much of my life. I was prescribed benzodiazepines 15 years ago for panic and have taken a low dose ever since. The difficulty is that I am now beginning an SSRI regimen again and it is pretty scary. It helps the debilitating depression I have been stuck in due to my scarring, but with the new energy comes an added sense of indifference to things, all things. I was reading a memoir written by a manic depressive recently and she describes her lowest depression as something that so completely wiped her out that she didnt have the physical strength to kill herself. It was the only thing that saved her. My concern is that this energy from the drugs will give me the physical energy to act on ideations that have been going through my head for years now. I cannot describe any of this to the hippy, holistic leaning nurse practitioner that prescribes my medications. Simply put I cannot be yanked off of benzos after so many years. So I just have to go along with shit. I cant fix my face. It may only be minor scarring to most, but to me, in addition to the scarring that was already present it is too much. My confidence has been yanked from beneath me and I no longer feel grounded. The world looks different, going on around me but now that I am not participating in it with confidence it feels all too imposing, unhinged. I need my confidence to live life in a meaningful manner. I no longer want to just go through the motions, survive another day, fake it till I make it. I want my life back, or nothing at all.