Medication mix and required silence

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jnick, Dec 23, 2012.

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  1. jnick

    jnick Well-Known Member

    I have found myself in a misery so deep in the last several years that it passes despair into some sort of uncharted territory. I am in a state of disrepair that baffles me along with a medication regimen that sometimes feels extremely dangerous. I have been a diagnosed obsessive compulsive since about the age of eight or nine, I am now 35. I have battled alcoholism, hepatitis C, severe at times OCD, infrequent panic and acne scarring for as long as I can remember. A successful television career, bachelors degree and many friends despite it all. I dont suspect any words of practical advice or wisdom to help me out of this situation. I lost my last real career job in december of 06 after attending rehab which apparently made me a liability to the company. After 12+ years in my field I was hung out to dry and began taking any work I could get my hands on. In late 09 the pressures of having a horrible financial situation and the end of a long relationship I began to crack up. I had been past the worst of my acne for years but suddenly became overly concerned with this area on my chin I thought was too "thick." Of course my prescribing physician just said you seem to be showing signs of BDD since is in the same spectrum of disorders. I was tripled the amount of SSRI I was taking. The long and short of it is this, I have damaged my skin by obsessively rubbing it, etc. causing new scars. I have had an on again of again relationship with SSRI's for years, they help to slow my mind but make me physically ill. I now find myself in a real catch-22 as I have for much of my life. I was prescribed benzodiazepines 15 years ago for panic and have taken a low dose ever since. The difficulty is that I am now beginning an SSRI regimen again and it is pretty scary. It helps the debilitating depression I have been stuck in due to my scarring, but with the new energy comes an added sense of indifference to things, all things. I was reading a memoir written by a manic depressive recently and she describes her lowest depression as something that so completely wiped her out that she didnt have the physical strength to kill herself. It was the only thing that saved her. My concern is that this energy from the drugs will give me the physical energy to act on ideations that have been going through my head for years now. I cannot describe any of this to the hippy, holistic leaning nurse practitioner that prescribes my medications. Simply put I cannot be yanked off of benzos after so many years. So I just have to go along with shit. I cant fix my face. It may only be minor scarring to most, but to me, in addition to the scarring that was already present it is too much. My confidence has been yanked from beneath me and I no longer feel grounded. The world looks different, going on around me but now that I am not participating in it with confidence it feels all too imposing, unhinged. I need my confidence to live life in a meaningful manner. I no longer want to just go through the motions, survive another day, fake it till I make it. I want my life back, or nothing at all.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur words say much hun. I too would get that kick of energy from the meds and it made me unstable for awhile

    Is there anyway you can stay with someone until the medication levels out

    I hope the medication pulls you out of the depression soon and i hope if you do get those urges hun to harm yourself you will get help . You will call your doctor go into hospital ok
     
  3. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    You sound like an incredibly intelligent person. Hang out here for a while and vent. We're all in a similar boat. You're not a lone. Are there any other options you can take right now to get things on the right track?
     
  4. jnick

    jnick Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking the time to read my little spiel eclipse and Floyd. The problem with venting is that it only alters my mood for a short time, I thoroughly understand that pent up emotions and resentments are unhealthy. The thing is that I suffer from a physical problem and a mental problem....all the ranting in the world would not change the physical. I also understand that acceptance is my only true hope in diminishing some of this pain, a therapist once told me to just say "so what" to myself when having thoughts about my face. A shift in perspective of sorts. All I know is that when a mental disorder turns physical it is an ineffable pain level. I used to enjoy seeking females and have been involved with many jewels throughout my life. I suppose I should be thankful for those experiences, but to have my confidence so thoroughly rattled at 31 is just too much to swallow. I used to get up in the mornings with an incredible amount of confidence and look forward to my day. Now I have lost my career and to some extent my looks. I can go through situations with a tough attitude but it hurts me to only feel aggression and is off putting to others. I am simply tired of caring, but the caring continues. I have gotten to the point that I would rather proceed in an unfeeling manner rather than this. Unfortunately that requires self medication that begins to be a full time job in itself, been there and done that, taking others down with me. I used to value music, great food, literature, many art forms.........but now I cannot enjoy any of it. This is such a pity party I know, but once I get started, well..... Thank you again for the kind words and I wish you well in you personal struggles.










    31
     
  5. Irish girl

    Irish girl New Member

    I don't know how to make chat work.could do with chatting to someone
     
  6. jnick

    jnick Well-Known Member

    My chat is screwy as well. The rooms come up and show who is there but there are no posts. Dont know, hope you are well.
     
  7. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member


    I hear ya, man. I am not the same I was when I was in my 20s & 30s. I will be 50 in a few months. I still exercise everyday, I run, I eat well, I'm in great physical shape but my life from when I was 35 to now is completely different. I used to get women easily, now it's a different story. I used to have a lot of great stuff going on, now there is literally nothing. No reason for me to do anything. I struggle. But I know lots of people struggle. I hate the way things are for me, I have just accepted it. I feel there have to be losers in the world so that's the role I take. I can't do too much about it. I can never get any kind of break of any sort. I realize I have these chemicals in my brain that mess me up. You're still young, you still have potential. Try and fight while you've still got youth on your side, you don't want to end up being me. You can still have success.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Go to Java.com and download, and see if that will make chat work as chat is java based and you need it to make it work. :)
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    When you enter chat you are automatically put into the welcome room, members do not chat in that room, you have to click on either main,spare or triggering subjects, hope that helps. :)
     
  10. jnick

    jnick Well-Known Member

    Thanks cocacola, but I have entered into the various rooms. Until yesterday nothing would come up, I suppose the chat rooms are just really slow, not much chatting going on.
     
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