Mediocrity...a rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kilyke, Feb 7, 2009.

  1. Kilyke

    Kilyke New Member

    or, "how good enough isn't"

    I used to just write this shit in my blog, but there's something about having people potentially read or respond to my writing that is more comforting than knowing that its just me.

    I told my psychiatrist in the hospital that "just functioning isn't good enough" and he asked me what I meant... what is missing from life when the pills are working? At the time, I didn't have an answer.

    :dry: well, since when in our society is there such thing as "good enough"?
    I'm a mediocre person, living a mediocre life... and really the only thing that's wrong is that I'm so self-obsessed. It seems like everyone else has this terrible pain when they want to kill themselves, and all I got is this very small feeling of being trapped and angry, but its not *unbearable,* its just not good enough, and I'm not good enough. Killing myself would be so *easy* when everything else seems so difficult and complicated.

    Of course I'm scared. I'm scared of the pain and of dying and of what might come after. I'm scared I'd be throwing away a good thing and needlessly hurting those who love me. I'm scared that its just a passing thing and that I might survive to regret my attempt. I'm scared that if I survive my body and/or my mind will be irreparably damaged.

    I think all that fear is what has kept me from doing more than just threatening suicide. People can play on those fears... saying that this or that method won't work or will be extremely painful... or that the feelings will pass.

    Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, right? Maybe, but I say "so what?!" Most people would focus on the "permanent solution" part of the equation, so I don't think it really helps much to say that. So what if the problem is just temporary? It still needs a solution.

    Suicide is really a temporary solution. Its about relief. Once you're dead whatever relief you might have wanted to feel is moot. Suffering, on the other hand, is a permanent problem. Even if you die there will still be others to suffer. Even if your problems get solved, there will still be other problems to struggle through in the future. The only way out of that is to become enlightened. Good luck.

    I'm not feeling suicidal now, but I do think about it from time to time. Apparently all I need is to think about it at the wrong time for thoughts to become actions. And its not like I can tell anyone when I'm thinking about it because then I wouldn't really be suicidal, would I? Except to the people in the ER, who consider making plans and confessing them as serious an offense as actually taking the overdose.

    Fuck me, you know what I mean?