Meh fuck.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ~PinkElephants~, Nov 11, 2007.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Sometimes I wish I could fade into the background. Be a fly on the wall, just to see what people really thought of me. While other times I wish I had this larger then life personality and I was the center attention.

    It's awkward where I am today. Sitting here thinking of myself ten years ago. I think about how different I was. It was before everything. Before everything changed. Smiling didn't seem so hard. Laughing didn't seem so forced. It was when i actually had a life. Sometimes I crave for those moments and other times I hate those moments because it reminds me that I can never go back.

    I know that I'm just rambling. It's because I can't shut my mind off. I can't make the thoughts stop swirling in my brain. I know I should have stopped at one because I knew the effects but I am me after all. Now it's almost 4 am and I can't stop my brain. I can't stop it at all. It's my fault. It generally always is.

    I know who I am as a person. I realized my faults long ago. I realized how much negativity I hold within. I realized how quickly I could go from being nice to being a raving bitch. I know I'm a bitch. It's a known fact amongst people that know me. I know I have a lot of ground to make up. I've lost a lot of time. 27 years old and I'm nowhere close to what I wanted to be.

    You know those childhood fantasies you dream up as a child. Mine was married by mid 20's, career, family, picket fence. The works, you name it i dreamt it up. So here's where I'm at. I'm 27, no career, not even close. I'm a 2 time college drop out. No family aside from brothers etc. I have Dylan and he's my world. He's the brightest spot in my life. No white picket fence, there's a white plastic one that's I could call mine...but alas it's my dad's. I live at home...in the basement...because I am a failure. Things will never change, I will always be alone.

    Blah blah blah Kelly. Shut the fuck up Kelly. No one cares Kelly. Yeah your manic. It's your own god damn fault. Moron. Now you can't get yourself down to even be remotely calm. Wish I could put a wrench in my brain to shut it off. AHHHHHHHHHHH if it wasn't 4am I would scream..loud and long until my vocal chords ruptured. Oooh, that'd be nice wouldn't it. Ruptured vocal chords...beautiful.

    I wish there was a simpler resolution to this all. Wish there was an answer so easy that it just fell into my lap. Mmmm sweet sweet success. Shut up kelly just shut up.
     
  2. me1

    me1 Well-Known Member

    Sorry ur life's shit :hug:
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :hug:

    A sit down, a list drawn up (a realistic one) of what is possible and what isn't, a decision as to what direction you want to take and then take the bull by the horns and start making it happen.

    Perhaps some counselling is needed here, if only to clarify what direction you want to move in.
    With Dylan your life kind of got put on hold, time to take back control. :hug:
     
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Terry
    my brother asked me to move in with him when they move out. Get a three bedroom etc. Can you imagine that?? It'd be the same thing as here just with less people. I've been contemplating it though.

    Realistically though I was on alot of pills when i wrote this last night was up to almost six am. Just ignore it
     
  5. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    i agree with terry, you need to decide what positive things you want to do and then strive for them.
    you know i'm here for you regarless.
    take care hun
     
  6. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Kellz. :hug:
     
  7. Kelly,
    I'm sorry things have happened in your life that has just changed some of it in such a negative, awful, miserable way. I can identify. Living/surviving after things as that it's hard and even though we feel as we are weak, in logical honesty, to keep on living and making it as hard as it is, we are strong, we have to be to make it after life has wrecked us down. I can't say I have a magical cure, wish I did..........but know you aren't alone. Try and do as Terry has said, maybe it'll help your prospective, don't know. Also, please try not to be so hard on yourself hun. Try to take care. :hug:
     
  8. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    :sad: :hug: :hug: Kelly.. I agree with Terry
     
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    As sad as this thread is, so too is it poetic...I am sorry you are feeling this way, but I truly understood some of what you said...but I also feel it is never too late...no, you cannot be the best gymnast today (nor can I) but you can be many things, especially at your age...I have sweaters older than you...all the best, J
     
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