Sometimes I wish I could fade into the background. Be a fly on the wall, just to see what people really thought of me. While other times I wish I had this larger then life personality and I was the center attention. It's awkward where I am today. Sitting here thinking of myself ten years ago. I think about how different I was. It was before everything. Before everything changed. Smiling didn't seem so hard. Laughing didn't seem so forced. It was when i actually had a life. Sometimes I crave for those moments and other times I hate those moments because it reminds me that I can never go back. I know that I'm just rambling. It's because I can't shut my mind off. I can't make the thoughts stop swirling in my brain. I know I should have stopped at one because I knew the effects but I am me after all. Now it's almost 4 am and I can't stop my brain. I can't stop it at all. It's my fault. It generally always is. I know who I am as a person. I realized my faults long ago. I realized how much negativity I hold within. I realized how quickly I could go from being nice to being a raving bitch. I know I'm a bitch. It's a known fact amongst people that know me. I know I have a lot of ground to make up. I've lost a lot of time. 27 years old and I'm nowhere close to what I wanted to be. You know those childhood fantasies you dream up as a child. Mine was married by mid 20's, career, family, picket fence. The works, you name it i dreamt it up. So here's where I'm at. I'm 27, no career, not even close. I'm a 2 time college drop out. No family aside from brothers etc. I have Dylan and he's my world. He's the brightest spot in my life. No white picket fence, there's a white plastic one that's I could call mine...but alas it's my dad's. I live at home...in the basement...because I am a failure. Things will never change, I will always be alone. Blah blah blah Kelly. Shut the fuck up Kelly. No one cares Kelly. Yeah your manic. It's your own god damn fault. Moron. Now you can't get yourself down to even be remotely calm. Wish I could put a wrench in my brain to shut it off. AHHHHHHHHHHH if it wasn't 4am I would scream..loud and long until my vocal chords ruptured. Oooh, that'd be nice wouldn't it. Ruptured vocal chords...beautiful. I wish there was a simpler resolution to this all. Wish there was an answer so easy that it just fell into my lap. Mmmm sweet sweet success. Shut up kelly just shut up.