meh. no title lol

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by bubblebear, Aug 1, 2016.

  1. bubblebear

    bubblebear Princess

    so the last few weeks were really hard, not sure why really. i think i just got more stressed in volunteering, and i happened ot be doing extra shifts so it kind of backfired on me. also at the same time my cousnellor and i were unable to meet, for various reasons. also my phone lost signal and i couldnt call samaritans when i wanted to. i mean sometimes i don't call anyways because im embarassed etc , but its nice to have the option there.

    i don't know, after my parents argued again on wednesday i just got so stressed. i was just so sick of everyting, its always the same. and im sick of it. last year i went to this suicide prevention centre thing when i was having a really hard time, and we did cousnelling there for a while. i been thinking whether i should call back. but im not sure if im just going through a phase because everything kind of happened at the same time recently. and i feel bad if im just wasting their time. im not sure what kind of criteria they have anyways i mean how suicidal do i need t obe do i need a plan or just be thinking about it because i read an article online and it said a lot of ppl actually think about dying etc when theyre having a hard time so its not that uncommon, but most of them dont do it. or something like that.

    today my mother told me she has a job interview. i feel kind of bad bcause shes being all positive and she only sent out 3 cv's and she got an interview and i send out 100 (exaggeration) and i only got one. it makes me feel bad becaue she's being all positive and im just here thinking about dying. ha. it upsets me that i sent a letter to my brother in autralia about the suicide stuff last year and he hasn't replied. its like it doesn't matter that im alive :( if it doesnt matter if im alive why does it matter if im not.

    also last thursday i went to group and i was talking about my father. maybe i sounded like i was doing better than i actually was because the facilitator started backing up my father and saying it was hard for him because he didnt speak english and that we should all speak english in the house so he can learn. she just assumed i wanted to help him, and she just assumed my mother would be all in too. idk. maybe i didnt stress enough that i didnt want to help him. but it annoyed me because it wasn't her place to say that we shoudl all speak english, and then another guy in group suggested an app called duolingo? because i mentioned my dad didnt like people in his previous english class. and that suggestion is actually great i didn't think of it... its more that when that guy told me he was looking at me like he htought i should be willing to help my dad. because honestly i was a bit reluctant because even tho i feel bad for him and i feel guilty etc i feel like i cant help him because it upsets me too much and i get too angry etc.im just upset that that guy expected me to have to help him. and i feel bad because i didnt want to cause a rift in the group so i just agreed with him and ssaid it was a brilliant idea and id reccommend it to my dad etc. it makes me feel fake. i agreed to something because i was scared of someone else's opinion. i mean what if he suggest soemthing else next time? and i dont agree with it - will i just keep agreeing? fuck sake thats so stupid. also i had a crush on that guy so i guess it dissapointed me haha.

    i was thinking of calling the suicide thingy thing today but idk what to say. also idk if i fit their criteria. i guessi m just scared. sigh
     
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Bear, first of all, don't hesitate to call a hot-line if you feel you need someone to talk to. That is what they are there for. Same with the suicide prevention centre. If you do have access, don't hesitate to use them. Your life is valuable and you should take whatever steps you can to preserve it.

    I guess I was fortunate. I only remember of huge fight between my folks. It was one heck of a shouting match. Over a really ridiculous thing. But it made me feel lost, alone, horrible and scared. Sounds like you have to put up with regular arguments. I am so sorry about that. Could you talk to either of your parents and let them know how it makes you feel? Could you walk away from the house for an hour or two when they fight? It would be much better for you if you did not have to listen to them.

    As to the volunteering, try and take on only what you can handle. I used to donate blood. They would call me every few weeks and ask for more. It got to be too much. You really have to know your limits and learn to say no. Yes, saying NO can be a real challenge. But if you wear yourself down, you will not be able to help at all.

    Kudos to your mom and landing a job interview. Are you able to wish her well when she goes to it. Please don't be hard on yourself. Remember, your mom probably brings more experience to a job search then you. But if you persist, you too will get interviews AND A JOB. I have been laid off 3 times since 2009. It took a lot of effort, but I did find work. You will too.

    As to your brother. Suicide is a very difficult topic for anyone to address. Including your brother. I never told my brother, or my parents about my suicidal thoughts. I don't know if they could have handled it. Your brother may be struggling with that too. Don't assume he doesn't care just because he did not answer. He probably just does not know what to say.

    Bubblebear, when I was your age I was afraid of EVERYBODY'S opinion. Heck, even my own. As you build more confidence in yourself you will learn to say no, and to reject other people's ideas. And you will be able to explain why. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself. Your deserve kindness, love and respect.
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey, bubblebear, I'm sorry to hear there is so much going on and you've been feeling so stressed. I hope things settle down for you.

    Calling the suicide thingy might be an idea - even if you don't fit their criteria, perhaps they can direct you to a place where you do fit the criteria. I sure understand how you might be feeling scared right now. Keep us posted on how you're doing! *hug*