Private browsing is wonderful. I can go to 'scary' sites like this that would freak my husband or kids out if they knew, but as long as I'm in private browsing I'm okay, because they're all less savvy than I am when it comes to things like this. But is this a good thing? Taking quick snapshots of what other people have said (don't want to do more, no offense to those who need to be heard, but I'm hurting bad enough that it just brings me down that much more)...I guess my 'issues' aren't that big of a deal. Some days I'm okay, yay. As long as I don't try to think too deeply. I'm married, but my husband and I are at polar opposites with so many things. I try to talk about how I feel about current political policies that our government is involved in....try to talk about the economic situation. I'm very interested in 'free' energy. Not saying I fall for every crackpot idea (okay, maybe some...) but I am interested. But when I talk about any of these things, he tells me that what I'm talking about is ridiculous. That I'm an extremist. According to him, if what I'm saying is true, then we might as well all kill ourselves because we're fucked. I don't see it that way...I look at it as, now is a time of change. Of opportunity...or at least I try to. But I can't talk to him, or to anyone that I know/respect. My ideas are ridiculed in my home, in front of my children, and my choices are to a) keep talking and arguing, b) completely shut myself up and concentrate on being the good little wife that never disagrees with her husband, or c) leave my husband whom I love and respect when I have no job, no money, and a debilitating injury that keeps getting worse. Am I an extremist? I think our founding fathers were right, and that our government is too big for it's britches. I think our international policies involve the spending of too much money and too many lives, trying to police other countries to make them like us (so much for 'live & let live') when we should be focusing on helping our own. I have researched and learned what I can of economics and yeah I guess I'm in the 'crazy' view that thinks maybe the Federal Reserve has been screwing our country over for the past hundred years, intentionally or not. And if I even mention overunity devices...gravity motors...magnetic motors....anything that's a little more exotic than solar panels, he digs in and just will not listen. It's impossible, because it violates the law of conservation of energy...but he won't read up on anything that might hint at disputing that. I realize I'm laying the 'blame' of my unhappiness at his feet. Fuck. I just want someone to talk to that won't shoot down what I say before I finish saying it. I've been drinking more lately, both because of my general unhappiness and because my hand is getting worse...and I've noticed that when I drink, it's becoming more and more common for my thoughts to turn to suicide. My kids keep me here....plus the possibility of 'free' energy coming into play, just so I can say 'HAH! I fucking TOLD you so!'. I hold onto those reasons tightly. I wish xxxxx. Meh say what you will, but I never feel suicidal on that, like I do when I drink. And it helps with my pain, better than vodka at any rate. But I haven't had any in about 2 months. I'm afraid I'm going to be an alcoholic, if I'm not already. Why won't he listen? The way he talks, I sound like a crackpot. I don't think I am, but how would I tell? But hell, I want something to focus on. I admit I'm drawn to the more 'out there' things, but at least when I am, I try to educate myself on more than the one angle. He hates my views on politics...fine, let's talk about energy. I'm stupid for believing there might be a solution that would revolutionize the energy business....holy crap, is it too much to ask that he give me the benefit of the doubt? Am I hurting anyone by looking to that? But nope, it's 'ridiculous'. Stupid. And, by association, since I keep looking to things that fall in these categories....so am I. So I talk about plants. Yay we can start planting our veggie garden in May. Maybe we can make a grow box and start things 6 weeks earlier. Did you feed the animals today? No? Okay, I'll go feed them. Kids, did you do your homework yet? Better do it. And for me, I'd better not think too hard, or I might have some ideas that go outside the box. I might be labeled as extreme, or radical. Or a nut. Or a crackpot. By my own husband...and if he thinks so, then what hope have I in finding anyone else (that isn't also a crackpot) to agree with me...or even hold an open-minded discussion about things? It would help if I were working, but I can barely even write anymore. I can type...for a while...but I can't fold clothes. Helping to lift anything leaves me hurting badly for the rest of the day. I want a 'cause' to take my attention....but I hate fighting over the things that draw my interest. So why bother? Have a drink instead. Only then I'm more likely to talk about stuff. *sigh* What hurts the most, is that I do respect him. He goes out and tries to make money for our family, and he takes pride in his work, and I take pride in him. He is love-able. But I don't feel like I am. If I were, he would respect me more. I would respect me more. I hate him for how I feel when I'm around him. Does that make sense? I love who he is...I hate myself. And I think he is part of the problem....or maybe it's just me. Maybe he's just a mirror that I hold up to look at myself, and find myself wanting, and I'm looking at him and thinking it's because of how he treats me when really it's just that I deserve to be treated like that, and I don't want to face it. I know what my faults are, and maybe the good bits of me aren't enough to make up for all the bad bits of me. I'm believing that more and more. I don't like talking to my friends about things like this...just about all of my friends are online, and we've all had to deal with the people that throw out the 'I want to die' card at the drop of a hat. I've had friends that I spent months trying to help through crisis after crisis, and honestly it just gets draining after a while. Like a psychic vampire, just sucks the enjoyment from you until you try to stay away just so you don't wind up spending all your time listening to them talk about how horrible their lives are, or why they hate everyone, or why they want to kill themselves. All the time. After a while they stop being friends and turn into someone you just have to listen to, until you have to pull yourself away out of self-preservation. I don't want to be that person. I won't do that to people I call friends. So I'm venting here, because I don't know you guys, and you can choose or not choose to respond, and there's no real obligation for any of it. Better that way. Plus, if I ever do kill myself, it won't be a crushing guilt that you weren't able to save your friend.