Meh, pity party

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kendle, Jan 20, 2011.

  1. Kendle

    Kendle Well-Known Member

    Private browsing is wonderful. I can go to 'scary' sites like this that would freak my husband or kids out if they knew, but as long as I'm in private browsing I'm okay, because they're all less savvy than I am when it comes to things like this. But is this a good thing?

    Taking quick snapshots of what other people have said (don't want to do more, no offense to those who need to be heard, but I'm hurting bad enough that it just brings me down that much more)...I guess my 'issues' aren't that big of a deal. Some days I'm okay, yay. As long as I don't try to think too deeply.

    I'm married, but my husband and I are at polar opposites with so many things. I try to talk about how I feel about current political policies that our government is involved in....try to talk about the economic situation. I'm very interested in 'free' energy. Not saying I fall for every crackpot idea (okay, maybe some...) but I am interested. But when I talk about any of these things, he tells me that what I'm talking about is ridiculous. That I'm an extremist. According to him, if what I'm saying is true, then we might as well all kill ourselves because we're fucked. I don't see it that way...I look at it as, now is a time of change. Of opportunity...or at least I try to. But I can't talk to him, or to anyone that I know/respect. My ideas are ridiculed in my home, in front of my children, and my choices are to a) keep talking and arguing, b) completely shut myself up and concentrate on being the good little wife that never disagrees with her husband, or c) leave my husband whom I love and respect when I have no job, no money, and a debilitating injury that keeps getting worse.

    Am I an extremist? I think our founding fathers were right, and that our government is too big for it's britches. I think our international policies involve the spending of too much money and too many lives, trying to police other countries to make them like us (so much for 'live & let live') when we should be focusing on helping our own. I have researched and learned what I can of economics and yeah I guess I'm in the 'crazy' view that thinks maybe the Federal Reserve has been screwing our country over for the past hundred years, intentionally or not. And if I even mention overunity devices...gravity motors...magnetic motors....anything that's a little more exotic than solar panels, he digs in and just will not listen. It's impossible, because it violates the law of conservation of energy...but he won't read up on anything that might hint at disputing that.

    I realize I'm laying the 'blame' of my unhappiness at his feet. Fuck. I just want someone to talk to that won't shoot down what I say before I finish saying it. I've been drinking more lately, both because of my general unhappiness and because my hand is getting worse...and I've noticed that when I drink, it's becoming more and more common for my thoughts to turn to suicide. My kids keep me the possibility of 'free' energy coming into play, just so I can say 'HAH! I fucking TOLD you so!'. I hold onto those reasons tightly.

    I wish xxxxx. Meh say what you will, but I never feel suicidal on that, like I do when I drink. And it helps with my pain, better than vodka at any rate. But I haven't had any in about 2 months. I'm afraid I'm going to be an alcoholic, if I'm not already.

    Why won't he listen? The way he talks, I sound like a crackpot. I don't think I am, but how would I tell? But hell, I want something to focus on. I admit I'm drawn to the more 'out there' things, but at least when I am, I try to educate myself on more than the one angle. He hates my views on politics...fine, let's talk about energy. I'm stupid for believing there might be a solution that would revolutionize the energy business....holy crap, is it too much to ask that he give me the benefit of the doubt? Am I hurting anyone by looking to that? But nope, it's 'ridiculous'. Stupid. And, by association, since I keep looking to things that fall in these am I.

    So I talk about plants. Yay we can start planting our veggie garden in May. Maybe we can make a grow box and start things 6 weeks earlier. Did you feed the animals today? No? Okay, I'll go feed them. Kids, did you do your homework yet? Better do it. And for me, I'd better not think too hard, or I might have some ideas that go outside the box. I might be labeled as extreme, or radical. Or a nut. Or a crackpot. By my own husband...and if he thinks so, then what hope have I in finding anyone else (that isn't also a crackpot) to agree with me...or even hold an open-minded discussion about things?

    It would help if I were working, but I can barely even write anymore. I can type...for a while...but I can't fold clothes. Helping to lift anything leaves me hurting badly for the rest of the day. I want a 'cause' to take my attention....but I hate fighting over the things that draw my interest. So why bother? Have a drink instead. Only then I'm more likely to talk about stuff. *sigh*

    What hurts the most, is that I do respect him. He goes out and tries to make money for our family, and he takes pride in his work, and I take pride in him. He is love-able. But I don't feel like I am. If I were, he would respect me more. I would respect me more.

    I hate him for how I feel when I'm around him. Does that make sense? I love who he is...I hate myself. And I think he is part of the problem....or maybe it's just me. Maybe he's just a mirror that I hold up to look at myself, and find myself wanting, and I'm looking at him and thinking it's because of how he treats me when really it's just that I deserve to be treated like that, and I don't want to face it.

    I know what my faults are, and maybe the good bits of me aren't enough to make up for all the bad bits of me. I'm believing that more and more.

    I don't like talking to my friends about things like this...just about all of my friends are online, and we've all had to deal with the people that throw out the 'I want to die' card at the drop of a hat. I've had friends that I spent months trying to help through crisis after crisis, and honestly it just gets draining after a while. Like a psychic vampire, just sucks the enjoyment from you until you try to stay away just so you don't wind up spending all your time listening to them talk about how horrible their lives are, or why they hate everyone, or why they want to kill themselves. All the time. After a while they stop being friends and turn into someone you just have to listen to, until you have to pull yourself away out of self-preservation.

    I don't want to be that person. I won't do that to people I call friends. So I'm venting here, because I don't know you guys, and you can choose or not choose to respond, and there's no real obligation for any of it. Better that way. Plus, if I ever do kill myself, it won't be a crushing guilt that you weren't able to save your friend.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you are looking for some good debate and intellectual stimulation...there is nothing wrong with that...also, sounds like you are more progressive than your husband, which sometimes can get in the way of a relationship...maybe finding ppl who will engage in this type of conversation will allow you an outlet without stressing your relationship...just my thoughts, and please be safe. Although this is cyber, there are many ppl here who can relate and do care...glad you posted and please continue to share with us...J
  3. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Absolutely! My ex husband was not a nice man, so it isn't fair to compare him with your hubby. But he wouldn't let me speak on intelligent matters. It was "stupid" and I was a "tree hugging fucking hippy". But since I left him I have found that I am able to talk about matters that interest me without getting belittled. I was having a conversation anout bio fuel with a friend the other day. Don't give up what you think about and believe in. :hugtackles:
  4. Kendle

    Kendle Well-Known Member

    Heh Sadeyes I guess that one reference I made was inappropriate? Sorry.

    Ran out of vodka last night, don't think I'll be getting any more. I really am worried that I'm drinking too much, especially since I'm also taking aleve fairly often for the buddy with the nurse wife has long talked about the dangers of mixing painkillers with alcohol, and the damage it can do to your liver. I might entertain thoughts of suicide, but that would be MY choice. I would hate to continue choosing to live, only to find myself laid low by damage I've unintentionally done to myself.

    As for intellectual stimulation, oh definitely. I love to talk and share ideas and hypothesize and come up with crazy solutions, whether they would work or not. I love news that comes across as science-fictiony. Robots totally capture my imagination, and the accelerating usage of them (along with other automated technology) is fascinating.

    But such thinking is ridiculous. Too fanciful, too 'head in the clouds', too impractical. Bah. So I am constantly adding to the list of 'things I shouldn't talk to hubby about'. But he's my husband. I should be able to talk to him about things. I can't even talk to him about off-the-beaten-path sex. (I know, bad mental imagery there. Done intentionally, I assure you. I'm bad :rolleyes:)

    I went to the dr about my hand. Oh, I injured it over 2 months ago when I was coaching soccer and the 'star kicker' gave a whopper of a kick, but the ball came right at me...and I blocked it with my hand. No insurance, and the state thing had just run out (and other issues are keeping me from getting it again, at least for a few more months). So I scraped up some of our meager funds and went to the dr, and of course she said 'you need an x-ray'. Well....why the hell didn't she send me to get it first? So now I get to go pay cash for an x-ray, then pay again to see her again? Sigh. She thinks my wrist is broken and that I keep re-injuring it with the things I HAVE to do at home. We are struggling to meet our mortgage and electric payments, and to keep our kids fed (3 at home). I can't afford that. So I grit my teeth through the pain, keep my aleve bottle full, and drink to go to sleep at night (which sometimes works, but it's taking more and more to get to that point lately). It's my right hand. I feel pretty useless, and the pain is pretty bad. Not all the time, but when I have a good day I tend to do more with it, and then it starts all over again. So I try not to do anything with it even on the good days, and my family gets into the 'lazy mom' comments. And it's getting worse, the pain is more intense and it's spreading.

    I won't take any pills stronger than otc painkillers...hubby suggested getting sleeping pills, but no. I made an attempt with them before; I have a very strong aversion to pills in any form now. So, no alcohol, nothing strong to take...low on sleep. I'm sure I'll be a joy to be around.

    Guess I'm just rambling now. I'm not at risk, not really. When I drink I think about it more, especially if I've been fighting with hubby or the pain is especially bad. That's the main reason I won't keep stronger pills (or sleeping pills!) in the house - I don't want to die. It just gets hard to deal with everything sometimes.
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Firstly, alcohol and OTC painkillers are a dangerous combination. Not sure what you use but maybe its painkillers with opiates in them which also clouds your thinking when in drink.

    A good marriage works best when both partners have a few polar opposites. That said, intellectually, you sound like your being starved of an outlet. Maybe your husband ought to recognise that and make a few suggestions. This does not mean he is a bad man - he might just be slow in picking up on how to deal with you as you mature.

    Maybe your husband has interests which bore you though? Does he talk sport? Maybe you have to avoid certain topics IF he plays ball and does not annoy you with certain topics. Men talking sport is a big one. Most men keep that away from a wife as it will be a divorce for sure! Some people do not like politics. Even though it impacts on them!

    Maybe you need interests outside of the family also. Politics in your local area might be a start as the wider picture is too big to deal with. Besides, the big wall falls as little bricks are taken out. I'm sure that locally there are issues you could maybe get involved in. At least if a cop broke your hand on a picket you might get compensation.

    Soccer is good though. You must have some get up and go to do that. You might be a hooligan next!

    Seriously though, you come across as intelligent and would be an asset in any local campaign. You would have more confidence and if you coach soccer then I'm guessing you are good with people when you are feeling good in yourself. Likely good even when you are down.

    Are there not free clinics in the USA. I've seen videos of British doctors going over to the richest nation on Earth (or it used to be) to give health care to Americans! you should be angry at this and more besides. But anger will eat you up if its not a springboard for action - positive action.

    Sleeping pills are no good. You might sleep but still feel worn out due to the drugs.

    Get the wrist seen to ASAP. If you go to a hospital as an emergency then surely they cannot just tell Americans to live with a broken wrist?
  6. Kendle

    Kendle Well-Known Member

    Thanks plg, appreciate the thought you took in the advice you gave :)

    I use Aleve, which is naproxen sodium. That & ibuprofen are the only pills I'll take anymore, I don't even like taking antibiotics. Luckily I haven't had to in, like, forever. I've taken vicodin occasionally but not in a long while, I really just don't like pills.

    Wouldn't mind being polar opposites, I do love a good debate. But that's implying that there's a give and take, and a mutual respect for different beliefs. Being told that my ideas are ridiculous and stupid when he won't look at anything I try to show him to give evidence to the contrary just leaves me feeling like he has absolutely no respect for me or my views.

    He likes to golf. He hasn't in a while, but when he does he will give me a play-by-play of each hole, and talk about the people he was teamed up with, etc. I listen, and engage him, even though the game doesn't interest me that much....he makes it interesting for me. I like to listen to him get excited about it. Same thing with basketball, I never got into it before, and even though I'm not 'into' it now, I'll watch it with him sometimes (he loves the Lakers) and I will discuss them with him. I draw the line at football, lol, but he's not into that that much anyway.

    When he complains about work, and about his employer that is dicking him around with hours, I am there, engaged with him, backing him up. He knows that he could call them up tomorrow and tell them to blow him and I would be supportive, regardless of what happened because of it.

    I'm not this great person, I don't want to give that impression. I kind of suck at housekeeping, even more so now with the pain. Dishes are actually now my favorite, if only because I get to have warm/hot water to soothe my hand. Who'd have thought? Meh. I listen, I'm creative, I'm loyal...but I'm lazy, I procrastinate, and I'm fat. So no, I'm not some great catch with a horrible husband; he really is a good guy. I just don't like his attitude when I want to talk about something he doesn't agree with.

    I'd love to get involved with politics, but I'm kind of a recluse. Coaching soccer was the first thing in a long time where I'd actually stepped outside my comfort zone to do something new, something outside my household. Heh I kind of sucked at it, but it was fun and my son really wanted to play, and they needed coaches. (btw, hubby was against that too, he just thought it would be a pain in the ass...which it was, but still I'm glad I did it. Except for the hand :( )

    Honestly I stutter sometimes, my words get mixed up on the way out and I forget points and I'm uncomfortable around a lot of people. I much prefer to write. It's probably the thing I do best, and I can think about things and polish my presentation and find the best way to portray what I want to get across. So if I could do something where I write speeches, or op eds, or letters to the editor...all of those sound like something I'd love to do. Especially if I could get paid for it, holy crap that would be so helpful. But what if I fail? Or worse, what if I succeed, and then there I am, stuck in over my head, committed to something? Scary. Kind of stupid, that I'm scared of succeeding, and maybe I'm wrong? But I've watched myself sabotage myself, do things that are exactly the opposite of what would help me succeed, for no apparent reason. I don't know why; all I can think of is that for some reason either I'm scared, or maybe I feel like I'm not worthy of success. Either way, I'd hate to commit to something and then let people down because of my own hangups. Better to do freelance, if I could figure out what I need to do, to do it.

    My mom's going to lend me the money to get x-rays, and then I'll pay her back with tax returns. Not the best of solutions, but at least I can get it done soon and I don't have to work the system to do it.

    I'm pretty tired. Last night we had soup, made a bunch of it, but then hubby went to sleep and I was the one who had to put it in a container to save it, and something in what I did really tweaked the hell out of my hand. I couldn't sleep (hence why I was up so late on here, posting). I move around a lot in my sleep, and since I hurt my hand, every time I move I wake up all the way, kind of a safeguard against bumping my hand as I shift position (yes, learned through painful experience). So last night, I a) went to bed at about 2am, and b) kept waking up and being unable to go back to sleep due to the pain I was still in. And then up at 6 to get kids ready for school.

    And no vodka tonight. My hand purely aches; I shouldn't be typing but it's my outlet, I can't stop. It's the only thing I can still do. Heh unless I try phone sex; I have been told I have a nice voice. But my kids would probably be shocked :D not to mention, piping up at the wrong moment! So writing it is. I have rum or brandy or something in the pantry, left over from xmas eggnog, but that's not my thing, and I really should stop drinking anyway. So I'll probably stay up as late as I can, so that when I do go to sleep I'm exhausted and sober. No pills, Aleve makes my heart pound if I take it too close to bedtime, keeps me awake. Nothing illegal. Crap. Maybe I will check out what's in the pantry. But I'll try not to.
  7. nanashikun

    nanashikun Member

    I'm sorry about your hand! And your financial issues for that matter... health care coverage in the U.S. is really terrible. ): If there is a chance your hand is broken, though, it might get a lot worse with all the work you're doing... are your children able to help you around the house?

    I know what you mean about another person being a "mirror", and about all the bad bits outweighing the good bits. I feel like that a lot of the time, too.. every day I just feel uglier and uglier. But everyone has their faults, and you shouldn't (intentionally) be put down. :eek: Maybe starting something you're good at will bring to light more of your "good bits" :) You seem to be really skilled at writing, for a start! :D

    As for your political viewpoints, do you live in a less liberal part of the United States? D: If you do, there are a lot of political forums online that would welcome you. I know it's not the same as having real people to talk to, but... it's better than nothing, isn't it? :/ Online debates and things can get pretty fun (depending on who else is on the forum, of course!) But if you do live in an area with people who share your liberal sentiments, there are probably local political groups that take action to change the world a little bit at a time--they'd welcome someone of your intellectual capacity, I'm sure :)

    I'm sorry if everything I've said is kind of pointless and useless advice. >__< But I do hope your situation gets better soon!
  8. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm sorry I can't provide a more intellectual response (my head is on the slow-go tonight!), but one thing I picked up on in your post and wanted to respond to is 'I guess my issues aren't that big a deal'. If you are hurting, you are hurting, regardless to what is causing that pain. Pain is not comparative, hurt is still hurt. I rarely comment on threads... I can rarely offer anything of importance, but this was important to me, and I just wanted to let you know that noone will dismiss any issues you have, or compare, because there is no need. You are obviously feeling not too great, and in pain, and that is all that matters... I hope that made sense lol.

    Take care of yourself, thinking of you

  9. Kendle

    Kendle Well-Known Member

    Thanks, both of you *hugs* Nanashikun, I suppose I could (should) get involved locally. Probably more likely to have an impact than if I were to simply keep posting things online. I do need to learn more, though, it seems that no matter how much I research & learn, it's not enough...I like to have a full arsenal of facts before I go into verbal battle (hopefully I won't be accused of promoting violence because of my metaphors :later: {not by you guys, just realized that could be taken that way}). It helps me not to stutter.

    Maybe I'll do that...hard to get involved though. I really am more comfortable being a recluse. The only people I have any interaction with outside of the internet are my (& hubby's) immediate family. So maybe I wouldn't be very desirable to a political movement; it would be so easy to discount me. I'm terribly unconnected to anything, which I want to change, but damn it's so much of a pain in the ass to put yourself out there. Plus, if it came out that I do anything illegal, it would suck if my actions harmed those people I was trying to help.

    Or maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of it. Lazy, procrastinating....that kind of thing.

    Bah. I got almost 6 hours of sleep last night, but less than 4 the night before, and same the night before that. So I'm still feeling less than optimal. I do best with a consistent 6-7. Hopefully my ramblings are not too full of ramble.

    lostbutnotfound, you're very kind, but I read what other people have to write and I realize that what I'm going through is not some major catastrophe. While I may have suicidal thoughts occasionally, I still consistently keep the things I'm most likely to use away from me. I may have other problems but they aren't going to drive me to kill myself, even if they aren't that healthy for me.

    If I could cut out the stress of not enough money and the social/personal shame of the whole welfare thing, it would be a lot easier to keep an even mental & emotional balance. But I think that's true for a lot of people.