I haven't signed onto this site in a while.. and I feel like venting. But I don't want to vent to anyone that's close to me. So let's start at the beginning. I think it's pretty shitty that my cousin Jo try's to treat me like my sister. UM sorry hon.. we're 2 different people. It seems as though Jo and my sister click well together.. and honestly, I think Jo leaves me out out conversations and what not on purpose. And that feeling sucks. I guess I'm not popular enough or something. My sister and I went to PA a few weeks back.. and I went there with an open mind. (We made a family trip to NZ last year.. and I got treated like I had some kind of incurable disease. No one really talked to me..) So with an open mind.. I'm in PA.. the first day was cool. The 2nd day was cool.. and then the 3rd day (we went to Philly) and Idk wtf happened. I would talk and I would get ignored... or if I made a joke no one would really laugh. But I was getting this major attitude from my cousin Jo.. and I really didn't want to be there. So I ignored her in return.. it felt pretty good. So the next time we go to fucking PA, I'm not going. I only treat people how I would want to be treated.. so why is it I get treated like some kind of fucking outsider? Instead of getting depressed about this situation, I decided to let it go. If she doesn't want to take the time to get to know me, then she can go fuck herself. I'm not letting my so called.. cousins.. get me down this time. I'm getting sick of tired of people flaking out on me. I'm always there for everyone else.. but I hardly have anyone that's there for me. Granted I have my sister.. but I can't vent to her about this. And I do have my bff Heidi.. but I don't want to burden her with my problems. She's got a family to raise. My other supposed best friend keeps flaking on me. He never calls me when he says he will. My other friend has always showed up at my house every Friday.. and he forgot to come over last week Friday.. he said he forgot what day it was. I let his ass have it.. and I said he was full of shit. He's been coming to my house every Friday (for friday night smackdown wwe) for like.. a year and he manages to use "i forgot what day it was excuse." I made him promise that he would come over on friday. And he broke his promise. I was pissed that he broke a promise. And my thing is.. if you can't keeping your promises, then don't fucking make them. I always keep my promises.. and it sucks that my best friend of 9 years couldn't keep his promise. I ended up telling him I hope he doesn't use that lame fucking excuse when it's my bday in 3 weeks. I'm sick and tired of another friend being a dumbass. I think he thinks I'm a total idiot.. or I'm stupid or something like that. I think.. that he thinks his shit doesn't stink because he's in college. I didn't go to college for personal reasons. But I let my "assumptions" go.. because I think it's all in my head. Tonite I really needed him.. to vent to. I needed to vent about how it sucks that my folks are in some fucked up health situations. He passes out sleeping .. and leaves me hanging. So I'm pissed about that. My eyes burn right as I type this up. I took a walk earlier.. but that didn't seem to help. I still want to cry and scream until my throat bleeds. Why aren't my friends reliable? I don't have that many to begin with. Not including my sis and fam.. I have 4 close friends. One is my ex bf.. who flakes on me and doesn't know how to call me back when he says he would. The other one is... well, he's been there for me. But I guess I expect too much out of him The 3rd one is in Oregon The 3rd one is in Baton Rouge.. and he's totally oblivious at times. I don't have any other friends. I'm a fucking loser and I have nothing going on in my life. I don't have the motivation to do ANYTHING with my life. So why the hell am I still here? Why in the hell am I still alive? I already cried today.. and I am a cutter, but I'm not feeling that urge yet.