Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Aug 22, 2013.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    It's one of those days. I need to vent. No other outlet, so that's that. Am tired of not sleeping right, it's wearing me down big time. Having nightmares when I do sleep and them waking me up and then rinse and repeat. Or just waking up for no reason.

    There's things I have to get done that I'm finding difficult to accomplish. In comes the frustration and similar.

    Old memories of sexual assaults and other stuff keep popping up. They scare me and I hate them and I wish they'd piss off back to the recesses of my mind.

    More recent memories of last breaths are images I can't erase.

    It's the same, over and over and over.

    And how am I? Oh, sure, I'm great. No one asks, I suppose there is no one to ask. This deep, deep feeling of being alone is really encompassing me. Is this all there is for me?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun we are here and i am listening you are not alone hugs
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks, TE... I know your heart is in the right place and that you do mean well.

    I just don't feel it and reality to me is much different. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I am sure I probably do.

    I know I'm in a different place overall, and that is a good start. I don't know where this is coming from nor how to shake it. It IS reality, my life. And its me whining. If it were someone else then I'd prod them to change things so that they are not so alone. But, of course like many things, that's easier said than done. Especially for me.

    Ok, I'm done moaning. sorry. Thanks.
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Enough Without anything being said, it says it all.
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I wish I could do "it". But I get scared and back out. I think about things I can do or what I have to do for work and similar and am trying to look forward. I'm not doing a good job at that though. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong atm. I'm not content nor settled. Shouldn't I be?

    Maybe yesterday's anniversary of someone else dying has been on my mind? I know it has, but I mean subconsciously is that what is pulling me down? Maybe I'm always going to be like this now. Ugh, what a thought.

    I've been trying to do the day to day stuff but failing somewhat. Trying to deal with each day and not think too far ahead, but how can we not try to peek into the future? It is a bleak one from my current standpoint and I suppose that's why I shouldn't go there.

    On the other hand a love of mine has kept me sane this past year and a bit. And some very caring people from SF. Isn't it odd how strangers can get on so well together and provide such support? Other people in my life... Not so much. At all. C'est la vie.

    I don't want to be like this, live like this. And yes, I've worked on changing and adapting into this new life. But I'm still me and my soulmate is still dead. Along with others. Dead, dead, dead.
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :arms: You're not doing anything wrong. There is no absolute time frame for grief. Sometimes we're moving forward but we can't tell yet. You are doing what you can and, in spite of that, it still hurts. That seems quite normal to me. Grief after losing a loved one takes time. Coming to terms with that kind of loss is not something that we can't force.

    Be kind, patient, and good to yourself. You deserve that.